Day 89: Holding Back

This blog is a continuation:
Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I learn that there is a new birdie to be taken care of -- go both into a point of excitement and gloom -- where I am excited about meeting the new birdie and getting to know him and at the same time go into a point of 'gloom' of 'what if the bird does not make it' and -- "I shouldn't get ahead of myself, for all I know it'll be dead tomorrow or in the next few days"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I learn that there is a new birdie -- go into the past as memories as having had fun with birds in the past, where it was cool to be around them, play with them and simply observe them interact with reality -- where I within that moment go and access all the 'positively' charged memories -- and get excited about the prospect of being able to 're-live' those moments as re-living the positive energies associated with the memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when i learn that there is a new birdie -- go into the past as memories has having been sad in relation to birds upon finding out that they were hurt and thus probably going to die or upon finding out that they died -- where within that moment I go and access all of the 'negatively' charged memories -- and get sad about the prospect of possible 're-living' those moments as re-living the negstive energies associates with the memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to information in my environment/reality within automated reaction -- where I go and dig up all related/similar past events and upload them within and as me -- and use these memories as the various pictures and energies as emotions and feeling to 'define' the current moment -- and within this context, define my relationship with the found bird -- where I within that moment of receiving the information that there is a new birdie, and uploading/recycling the various memories of the past, I mold and shape my starting point of interaction with the birdie based on the past as past relationships with other birds -- where I limit my participation/interaction within the limited framework of the past as what I have already experienced/gone through -- and within that completely lose the moment / hereness of what is actually going on -- as I filter every moment through the past and put myself in a position where I am unable to assess/see any given moment/situation for what it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created/established a relationship of hope/fear with the new birdie, even before I met it -- based on past experiences/memories -- where I hope to have an enjoyful relationship with the bird and at the same time fear losing the bird already

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a mode of 'reservefulness' -- where I accepted and allowed myself to 'hold back' within myself and interaction with the bird -- where I first want to see how things go and what is going to happen before I will allow myself to just be here and play/share with the birdie -- out of fear of being hurt when / if it dies

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by setting myself up to be 'reserved' I am in fact already placing myself within an experience of 'loss' -- where I am not allowing myself to actually be here and participate/interact with the birdie unconditionally -- and within that already 'take away' that which I fear losing as simply being comfortable and having fun with the bird -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within a distorted sense of wanting to be in control of the situation, go and deny myself having fun with the bird -- so that it is ME deciding to deny myself this, where it is not something 'happening' to me to which I react -- where I believe that because I am initiating the point of witholding as not allowing myself to unconditionally enjoy the bird -- that I am in control and will not get hurt if the birdie dies, as I never allowed myself to get close to the bird in the first place

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is in fact a waste to be 'reserved' and to 'hold back' -- as I am merely denying myself to bere here, comfortable -- whether or not something happens to the bird -- where within just being here, comfortable and sharing/expressing, I am making the best out of being here with the bird, regardless of 'how much time' spent with the bird in terms of lifespan -- and where if I hold myself back/ am reserved -- I am merely compromising myself and the bird for the sake of holding on to my fear

Related articles

• Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself
• Day 81: I'm a Lost Cause, Let me Save You
• Day 82: Self-Completion
• Day 71: Fear of Others as Myself - Part 2
• Day 69: Fear of Sharing - Part 2

Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself

Yesterday another birdie was found on the farm.

I was busy studying while I heard Gian getting a call in the room. He came out and his face had an expression of hesistation, and a slight grin/smile -- as he said that Fidelis found a birdie.

I shared him the same face/expression back -- because each time we find a birdie, we go into that space of uncertainty: What type of Bird is it (as this influences how easy/difficult it is to take care of them)? Is it hurt? Will the bird make it?

Then, about 15 minutes after Gian had left to get the birdie, he came into the house with his hand closed, with the again the same facial expression as he said: "It's a TweeTweet".

There, my heart skipped a beat, because we had previously taken care of a birdie, TweeTweet, -- which we at that time we thought to be a Fiscal Flycatcher, but now after revision, we found out it's actually a Fiscal Shrike -- where we had a lot of fun/interesting times with the birdie, until it tragically died/drowned two years ago.

Now, this birdie -- looks EXACTLY the same as TweeTweet, and is at the exact same physical development stage as when we found TweeTweet two years ago. This species of bird is the only one we've had so far (well, besides the two Parrots which we still had to feed by hand, and the chick and gosling) that is totally okay with being around Humans and is easy to feed, as it will just cry/scream and open its mouth wide whenever it is hungry.

So whenever there's the point of a new 'birdie', I slightly go into the fear of 'what if' -- as not many birdies have made it so far. And now that the birdie was a TweeTweet, I went into it a bit more as I don't want to go through the same point in the past. When we first had TweeTweet, we were quite 'new' and 'innocent' in relation to the whole taking care of baby birds thing. But now that we've had to deal with many deaths, I am now more fearful when handling/taking care of them. Birds have this thing where their head gets all loose and floppy and it looks like it has lost all of its strength, which usually means a point of 'giving up' on the side of the bird, where the birdie does not see itself surviving and just 'gives up', where the head will start wobbling and flopping to the back or side, and usually soon after the birdie will die within having made that decision of 'giving up'.

So now for instance, with this new birdie, each time I see its head move in a direction that may possible be this 'floppy head' movement, I experience a little shock of "OH NO, what if he/she's going into it!". Which usually only happens for a split of a second as the birdie is moving its head to reach to its chest to for instance preen itself.

So now I have an opportunity to walk through this point again.
Though now there's also some additional points to consider, since last time that we had TweeTweet we only had her, the lizards and a little sparrow -- and she could pretty much roam the room without disturbing anyone.

Now we have the Parrots and they may possible go into a point of conflict with one another if either one perceives the other to be more dominant. So there I saw I had an additional fear of 'how is this going to work out with the Parrots'.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow

Related articles

• Day 81: I'm a Lost Cause, Let me Save You
• Day 82: Self-Completion
• Day 51: Shocking Sounds