Day 201: Classmates or Competitors?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 199: Exam Nightmares
Day 200: I Don't Do Bad Grades 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I 'must have good grades'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I 'must have good grades' within observing my siblings having good grades and this being praised by my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that 'passing' is not good enough and that one should always aim for a '100%'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear of bad grades within having been pushed/motivated to 'always have good grades', as others indicated that 'having good grades' will give you the widest variety of options for your future and thus if I have bad grades I am putting in danger my future as I won't necessarily be able to study / follow what I want if/when bad grades limit me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my desire for good grades is rooted/embedded within the fear of having bad grades as fearing for my future / having limited career options

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have promised to myself that I will never allow myself to have bad grades because if I do I might end up in a miserable position in the system

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have questioned my parents or the education system, where it became clear that even though school was a place where I could be with my friends and play during break times -- I was at the same time in a race/competition with the other children in the class, a race/competition for future status in society/the system -- where some will study hard to make sure that they will be able to further their education while others don't or simply can't with the means available and where each child does not look out or look back at one's friends or care about their situation because we all know 'someone has to do the sucky jobs one day' but 'at least it won't be me because I have good grades'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into a form of tunnel vision, where all I could see was a straight vision to my future / future position in society/the system -- where all I cared about was 'getting good grades' as this was what I understood to be my 'ticket' to a nice life in the system -- where there was no time or space to consider others who may not be doing as well as I was and thus would possibly end up in less favourable positions in society/system -- but where instead of helping/assisting them I only went further into fear as I 'cannot waste any time on them' and must 'take advantage' of their shortcomings as this puts me 'further ahead' in the race

Related articles

• Day 156: Competitive thoughts - part 2
• Conquering The Contest Of Survival - Day 388
• I Really Want You To Fail - Day 386
• The Things We Do To Feel Good About Ourselves - Day 387
• Day 338 Self Interest is Ignorant to consideration. Part 3
• Day 191: Reacting to Futility, and to WTF I've Done.

Day 200: I Don’t Do Bad Grades

I was looking at this exam point some more and two memories popped up in relation to having an emotional attachment/connection to this point.

The first one is when I received a test back for geography, and I either almost failed or failed the test – and was absolutely flabbergasted by this. I just couldn’t believe it – I couldn’t believe that this piece of paper with such a bad grade had my name on it – there MUST have been a mistake. I, Leila, DO NOT GET THESE GRADES! Lol. All around me people had the same grade or lower and they were pretty ‘cool’ about it, meaning, they just saw the grade, had a little sigh but then they were over it. I was trying to play it cool but on the inside my head I was going insane – I had never been faced with the such a low grade and I didn’t have any reference on how to cope with this, so I was just like a bouncing ball bouncing in all directions inside my head with emotions and feelings bouncing along with it, trying to find out ‘how to feel about this’ and what to ‘make of it’. My whole day after that was completely fucked, I felt completely worthless and useless and was completely depressed by the time I got home that day.

Then I have another memory, where I am about to go home, school’s almost over and I have my paper with me with all my grades which were all just *perfect*. I was really chuffed with myself and when I got my mom had tears in her eyes. These were my last grades as I graduated from high school and it was like the epitome of my ‘academic achievement’ all throughout school – from primary all the way till the end of high school. My grades had always been great, and I had managed to end it off with ‘perfect’ grades.

And then I remembered that one bad test and how I had experienced myself. And I remember my friends who had to deal with bad grades all the time and how they did seem to be ‘overthrown’ by it the way I had been, and how jealous I had been that they could just not put so much of themselves into ‘a grade’.

And I could see how stupid it was to get so emotional over a bad grade, and I could see how stupid it was to be ‘so happy’ about a good grade – but it was like I just couldn’t ‘help myself’ – it was so automatic, so ingrained, so deep.

I remember get my first grades while studying here in South Africa, and I got my list and it was so awkward and weird – because usually, I would immediately go and take the piece of paper to my mom, that’s who the paper is for. But my mom’s not around here, she’s not involved in my studies. And so I was sitting there with the paper, looking at it, and it was just so ‘freeing’ that I could hold it without having to move and having to ‘show it’ to anyone. The paper with the grades was here for me, and me alone. I could share it with other people but I didn’t have to – because that was no longer what it was about. It was just a piece of paper giving me feedback on how I’d done on my subjects, so I could look at it, take in the information , fold the piece of paper and put it away – and that was that. It was so freaking awesome lol

Related articles

• Day 199: Exam Nightmares
• Does the Education system Prepare the Children to Face the World - Day 337
• Day 342: The Psychology of the Grading System
• Stepping Beyond The Fear Of Failure - Day 376
• How Fear Controls an Overachiever - Day 373
• 364.Education is a Human Right |Equal Money

Day 193: Giving up on Myself - The Quick Fix Cycle

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome 
Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2) 
Day 192: Giving up on Myself - Happiness Drone (Part 3)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about other people and other life forms and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am better/ more important than other people/life form

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see the hypocrisy/evilness of not caring about others who are not as well off as me while knowing that I would want to be cared for if I was them with all my heart

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to care for and respect others as me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have no right to live the life of comfort I have if I am not willing to live the life of others that make possible the life I live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to give up my life of comfort which takes place primarily in my mind as a drug induce happiness experience for the sake of making other people's lives actually physically more comfortable

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that what has become of me/humanity is a ruthless, principle-less monster that stands against anything of value within life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just 'want to do nothing' after going through a regular day from the perspective that the life we live and how do things in the world is not cool / enjoyable but a drag and where within that point of 'just let me be' and 'I don't want to do anything/contribute' I am actually only further perpetuating the problem and creating / maintaining what I don't like within this world/reality where I only care to balance out the negative with some positive so that I can 'recharge' myself for another day without in any way whatsoever changing what is actually causing me to not like my life so much and keeping the cycle going for myself and everyone else -- where if I only looked at the problem and that which is not cool from a starting point of 'Prevention is the best cure' -- I wouldn't need to constantly shift myself from the negative to the positive to 'be okay' but could simply be here, stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care but actual solution but to only care about my personal/happiness experience - where I did not care about how the world is set up and functions as long as I can get some reward/positivity to compensate for the bad stuff -- not seeing and realising that this may have been manageable for myself and my life but not on a grand scale where many have to live in constant negativity to uphold/maintain and substantiate a life of 'positivity' for others

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I wouldn't need 'a break' and to 'zone out' if the problems that are existent within the world today weren't in place -- and so it is not acceptable/enough to just 'zone out' and 'take a break' once in a while as this never changes anything but to look at why i need a break/escape from reality in the first place and deal with it hands on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather go for a ‘quick fix’ in quite a literal way, where I rather go for a quick ‘feel good experience’ rather than moving myself to bring about an actual change in my world which would eliminate the need for a quick fix in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about reality but not willing to take the necessary steps to change it and thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I had no right to complain

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it was my ‘quick fix feel good’ experience/desire that is in fact creating the problems/shit in the world that I then go and compensate for within my quick fix – where the positive perpetuates the bad and the bad perpetuates the good – keeping the cycle in place and growing

Related articles

• Day 192: Giving up on Myself - Happiness Drone (Part 3)
• Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2)
• Day 206: The Suffering of Others

Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food

This blog is a continuation to Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately generate and participate within thoughts which are non-supportive to my physical well-being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have forced myself through my mind to turn on myself within composing, generating and participating in thoughts which I knew did not match reality – but did it anyway because I wanted to deliberately make myself disordered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have practiced having non-supportive thoughts to my physical well-being in relation to food and my body, where I would deliberately over analyse foods from a knowledge perspective and create a relationship with everything single piece of food in my environment as to ‘twist’ its nature – where for instance a banana was no longer a banana but had x amount of calories and was not good for this and that and has so much sugar and it’s a BAD FOOD

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately manipulated and twisted my relationship with food by labelling foods from a starting point of ‘what will make me fat’ – without actually understanding how fat is produced in the body and how my human physical body really works in anyway whatsoever – but just go on ‘hearsay’ information about ‘bad’ and ‘good’ foods and create a whole food religion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have deliberately manipulated and sabotaged my relationship with my human physical body – where I was previously quite fine with my body as it’s just kind of here and does what it does – to deliberately meticulously starting to observe, analyse and investigate my body and start labelling and marking all the things that are ‘wrong’ with my body – again based only on ‘hearsay’ information while having no clue what and how the body works and why particular points are manifested within a particular way within only caring about how my body ‘looks like’ and being completely oblivious/ignorant as to the actual workings and process of the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately repeated the same thoughts and thought patterns over and over again until I actually believe them and automatically just ‘pop up’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ignored knowing that what I was doing was fucked up as it was clear that I was sabotaging my well being both mentally and physically for the sake of looking a particular way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within moments where I could see what I was doing have gone and delved deeper into thought manipulation as to ‘cover up’ what I saw and throw a bunch of garbage on top of it – where I threw so many thoughts of judgment and manipulation at myself so that I would “calm down” and continue with depriving myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately re-shape my perception of myself as to make it easier to abuse myself – to justify it and ‘make sense’ out of it so that I would not have to stop for a moment and question my behaviour

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have brainwashed myself into an Eating Disorder

Day 141: Why are you so Mean to Me?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 130: Holding Myself Back
Day 131: Timidity
Day 139: Taking things Personal is Self-Interest
Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately believe that because I react to someone where I feel bad / cry – that this means that the person is ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ for ‘making me feel that way’ and that I am ‘right’ within ‘being the victim’ and that I was treated ‘unfairly’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anyone who ‘makes me feel bad’ is mean and should not have done / said what they did – where I accepted and allowed myself to believe that no-one has the right to ‘make me feel bad’ and that it is my right to be happy and that others must only ever do things to make me happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when a child said something in class to another, where the other child was being stupid and the kid basically pointed it out – where the other then started crying and where the teacher scolded the one who made the comment – have created the belief that one cannot make another feel bad / make them cry no matter what the circumstance/situation is – where making someone crying is simply ‘not done’ and ‘evil’ and that such behaviour should be punished and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the moment of the one child making a comment, the other crying and the teacher scolding the one who made the comment – have integrated the point that one can ‘get away’ with things if you cry / show that you feel bad as if that is one of the biggest violations that can be done unto and stored this information to use for future manipulation – while all the while the teacher was probably just trying to get the crying kid to shut up within punishing the other kid in order to avoid any later confrontation with unhappy parents who believe their child is being bullied and blame the teacher

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt ‘violated’ whenever I was faced with anger/conflict/friction where I couldn’t believe what just happened to me and what had been ‘done unto me’ – without seeing and realising that I was the one creating this experience for me and thus I was in essence ‘violating myself’ where all I was doing was react to what another said/did and interpreted what they said through filters of perception upon which I created the experience of feeling hurt/bad/violated – not seeing and realising that I wasn’t actually hurt/violated but that I was merely playing out an acquired manipulation tactic as I had seen when I was young in class, where I integrated within me the perfect way to avoid change, where if anyone says something which puts me out of character, I will cry and show ‘how bad’ I feel, making the other person ‘the bad guy’ and myself ‘the victim’ so that I can completely indulge in the experience of ‘being hurt’/’violated’ and shift the attention to the other – where I end up with a situation where I do not have to actually look at my actions and what the other person may be reflecting to myself because I am too busy drowning myself in tears and in my dramatics point out how it is the other person that needs to change, because he/she is MEAN!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when in school when a child made a comment about another child and the child started to cry, where the teacher scolded the child who made the comment – have also integrated the point that I should never say things which may possible hurt another to the point where they feel bad / hurt / cry –where I should limit myself to saying ‘nice things’ only, even if someone’s behaviour really bothers me within the starting point that saying something that “makes” another cry is ‘not done’ and of the highest evil

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when faced with conflict/anger and ending up feeling hurt/crying – to have started to genuinely believe that what I am experiencing is real within being hurt/sad and believing that the other person is wrong/mean/evil as if it is a basic law of nature – not seeing and realising that this idea came from somewhere and that I adopted this idea and applied it – it wasn’t something that ‘just is’ and within this dogmatic belief have completely failed to look at the origin of this point and only indulged myself within my experience of sadness, hurt, feeling bad, victimization, self-pity and blame – losing sight of the bigger picture completely

Related articles

• Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party
• Day 232 - Part 3.2 of Emotional Body and Childhood Memory.
• Day 125: I am the Centre of the Universe!
• Day 19 - Thats NOT FAIR!
• Day 222 - I am worthless in Conversations and Self Sabotage

Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!

I have a habit where if I feel like I am about to cry, no matter about what -- that this requires to be done in hiding and not done where other people can see it, and that it is in essence a weakness.

The most clear memory I have around this point, is where my mother would drag me to some place that I didn't want to go to as a toddler (like school), and I would cry, cry and cry because I really did not want to go. As we are walking and she is pulling/dragging me -- I am crying and trying to hold back so that she really has to pull hard to get me to move forward, while I am shifting all my weight back to resist.

As I am just sobbing very exuberantly -- as if that is all that exists in that moment -- my mom suddenly whispers but in a 'shouting' way, where the words are kind of 'held back' behind the teeth but are still very harsh -- and she goes "Stop crying!! Can't you see everyone's watching you!!". Not 'everyone's watching US' no no, everyone's watching YOU.

So then I'd go huh? And kind of 'pause' for a moment as I stand and look around to see if this is indeed the case. There's some people on the street, and sure enough, they are looking at me -- but this might just be because I am looking at them and they are just meeting my eyes.

So now I am really confused, because what, I shouldn't be crying? I am making a fool out of myself because I am crying? But I am crying because you are forcing me to go somewhere I don't want to go -- I mean, I'm pretty sure they are watching you more than they are watching me, you are the one dragging me along!

So here, the idea is created that 'crying is bad', 'crying is shameful', 'crying is weak' and 'crying is not done in public'.

Obviously there are also other dimensions involved within this memory, where I was throwing a tantrum and tried to manipulate my way out of something by crying lots -- but this was not addressed by the parent, instead the focus was placed on the action of 'crying' and that I should stop what I am doing because it's a shameful thing to do. So instead of addressing the situation common sensically, the parent went into fear because of 'what other people might think' about how the parent and child are interacting, and so the parent freaks out and impulsively wants to infuse a 'bad feeling' into the child to just make it STOP. But this then got projected unto the child, where the parent was concerned what people might think and then re-directed/projected this point unto the child, and make the child believe that people are thinking bad about the child because of the way it is acting.

So this is quite a fuckup -- there's no common sense or self-insight present in parenting to this day, where the only tools used are positive reinforcement as providing the child with a 'positive feeling' such as compliments or candy and negative reinforcement by making the child 'feel bad' through for instance punishment and manipulation. This reduces children and the adults they become to what? Robots who's actions are completely predictable and based on negative and positive impulses? Isn't that the whole design of binary codes 1010100111?

We need to seriously re-evaluate our parenting methods, as we are creating little robots with no practical common sense or insight into themselves and into this world, who create dysfunctional ideas about themselves and then try to impose those same ideas unto the world around them -- leaving a world behind of disorder and failure.

To be continued

Related articles

• Day 94: Mourning as Excuse to have Pity-Party
• Day 80: What Have I Done? - Part 2
• Day 163: After Death Communication - Relationships and Love - Part 12
• Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2
• Day 98: Stress Management
• Day 167 - I need a Hero.

Day 93: Using the Dead's name in Vain

While I was busy writing my blogs on the birdies, a point opened up in relation to their death/them dying and how I would experience myself. In the past I've almost always cried a lot and experienced myself to be very emotional. During my stay here at the farm, I've had to deal with a lot of deaths, mostly birds as the ones we would find and chickens, ducks, goslings.

With the last two birds that died, I found myself not being emotional and not crying.

Stuff had happened, it resulted in the death of the animal -- there was nothing more I could do. It was just another confirmation of how we've designed, created and allowed which is fucked into every possible way.

Then, as I noticed that I wasn't crying or being overly emotional -- I started to feel bad and guilty, thinking I should cry now and be sad, and that the amount of sadness/crying would reflect 'how much I cared' about the being that died. So now I felt bad/guilty, because I interpreted how I was experiencing myself -- or rather my 'lack' of experience, as a bad thing -- thinking that it meant that I didn't care and was 'unrespectful' towards the dead.

Then, I looked at my past experiences when animals died, where often I would for a moment be sad and upon realising that they are dead/gone -- but it would be a very short experience. What I did afterwards, was actually quite interesting. Once I was crying and being sad, but not like, in an energetic way -- I would use the opportunity of 'there has been a death' -- to go completely 'overboard' with sadness. Like I just said, I would be sad for a moment, but be fine quite soon afterwards -- and once I would hit that moment of "Hmm, I'm actually quite fine, there's no more reason to be sad" -- I'd go and deliberately 'dig' into memories as 'all the good times we had together' to make myself become emotional and cry alot -- just for the sake of being emotional and crying, where I felt that this was a good opportunity to seize and allow myself to be an emotional wreck, because it would be seen as 'justifiable', considering someone just died.

I remember doing this with my guinea pig's death, where I would manipulate myself into being an emotional wreck through digging up memories, and then looking at the memory and saying to myself "See, this is what you are loosing -- you are never going to be able to have such a moment again", upon which emotions would well up and I would cry and cry and just lay in my bed and sob all depressed and victim like, where I was actually enjoying just being this bag of emotions just laying there all 'powerless' and "oh my god, the world and my life sucks so much" -- where I basically used the death of the pet as an excuse to have a self-pity party.

So then this whole experience really didn't have anything to do with the being that died, I just found it to be a good opportunity to let out all the self-pity that I had accumulated until that point in my life (maybe not all of it, but still a substantial amount).

Looking back at how I experienced myself with the death of my guinea pig, I used this 'mechanism' to manipulate myself and others, and where others would not 'question' my behaviour, because 'Hey, I just lost someone' -- where within that moment of deliberately digging up memories and saying things to myself that I knew would make me feel bad/cry -- I felt like I was 'cheating' in the sense of using the dead animal's "name in vain" -- where I was abusing their death and their life for the sake of suiting my own personal interest as having a pity party.

So then fast forwarding back to where I am now, where I was feeling bad about not feeling bad (lol) -- I immediately went into a movement of 'maybe I should go and dig up some memories and make myself cry, because that's the appropriate thing to do', where with the last bird, I dug up a memory and I could see the mechanism already turning its wheels, where I felt the emotions welling up and 'winding myself up' energetically. But then I stopped, because I saw that this was not the point, because within digging up memories as pictures with energetic signatures attached, I'm not dealing with the actual animal that died -- I'm just using information stored within me to manipulate how I feel, which as no actual direct physical relationship to the being that just died -- and that to me was like 'sacrilege' where I was once again going into the point of 'using someone's name in vain' -- and so I stopped and simply accepted that I was not going to be crying over this death and moved on pretty quickly.

Related articles

• Day 193: After Death Communications - Part 42
• Day 189: After Death Communication - Part 38
• Day 157: Life Force - ADC Part 7
• Day 160: ADC - AN OBSESSION WITH HOPE
• 197: After Death Communication - Part 46
• Day 154: After Death Communication - Part 4