Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection 
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

Day 167: The Big Fall 

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach 

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within not having been satisfied with myself and my life, have made the decision to pursue an eating disorder in order to make my life more interesting – where I totally and completely submerge myself into this one point of ‘change’ within being unwilling to look at the actual cause/reason as to why I am unhappy/dissatisfied with my life as what is already here and bring about the necessary corrections

Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within being unhappy/dissatisfied with my life and how things were going -- to not have looked at all the various dimensions/aspects that my life consists of pinpoint what requires correction and have giving it direction to change – but where instead I created an additional point/later/dimension on top of what was already existent, and submerged myself within this point totally and completely to the point that all other dimensions/aspects of my life are ‘pushed away’ and only this one point as an Eating Disorder exists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within not being happy/satisfied with my life and not really wanting to look at the origin/cause/reason of this unhappiness/dissatisfaction – have created a point of distraction/entertainment as an Eating Disorder which I submerged and indulged in to the fullest extent, where every moment of my day was tied to this one point which took dominance in my life as coping mechanism where I could be busy/entertained and feel like I was ‘doing something’ and ‘going somewhere’ while all the while I was really hiding from myself and the points that required direction within my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within having found my life dull and boring to have created the point of Eating Disorder within my life as a way to ‘spice up’ and make my life more ‘exciting’ – believing that this was an innocent point and not considering that my constant and continuous participation within this one point would cause it to start leading a life of its own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of changing my life and the points I was dissatisfied with, have merely mutated my life within adding an additional dimension/aspect within it to entertain and distract myself whereby my life in essence remained the same but went unnoticed within being completely obsessed and involved in this one point as managing an Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within making the decision of taking on an Eating Disorder, have only taken into account the mental/mind aspect of my life/reality, where all I cared about was having particular experiences without for a moment looking at and considering the physical implications of such an undertaking, where I utterly and completely disregarded my human physical body and only cared about having a positive energetic experience within losing weight

When and as I see myself seeking out and looking for a point that I can add to my life in order to bring in new energy charges within being unhappy/dissatisfied with my life or finding it dull/boring – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am not interested in real change but want to go for a ‘quick fix’, where instead of investigating why I am unhappy and dissatisfied with my life and giving those points direction to come to a correction – have gone and looked/created an additional point that I can add/integrate to my already existing life in order to bring in something ‘new’ and suppress my current experience – I see and realise that this is not an actual solution but merely covering up / hiding the problem and making it harder for myself to actually bring about change that I can be satisfied with permanently and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and investigate the nature of me looking for a project/point to add to my life to ‘heighten’ the contrast of my living experience so to speak, and commit myself to identify/investigate the cause/origin that triggered this looking for / creation of an additional dimension within my life within investigating who I am and who I live as now, and to see where I can change things to a point of effectiveness so that I do not have to trap myself within a polarity game of energy where I constantly seek out the good to balance out bad without seeing and understanding how these negative and positive experiences came about in the first place

When and as I see myself go into a movement of ‘maybe I can focus on losing weight again’ – I stop and I breathe, I see and realise that I have gone down this road before which is merely a point of distraction to cover up an inherent feeling of dissatisfaction and disappointment with my life and so I commit myself to identify these points of dissatisfaction/disappointment and map them out so that I can work through them within Self Forgiveness and Self Correction 

Day 167: The Big Fall

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection

Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

I mentioned in one of my previous blogs that I rather did not want to do the whole puking thing, because it seemed like too much of a hassle.

So now that I was in the position where I felt "forced" to puke, because otherwise I would not be able to move/progress any further -- I found the whole puking thing rather interesting. It was as if I had found a 'loophole' or 'cheat'.

Where I had previously been quite strict with myself in terms of my food intake and not eating anything besides that which would 'give me away' -- I now started indulge in bits and pieces. Because now I could tell myself that 'it's alright - you can just puke it out later again, no harm done'. But after doing some 'little' indulging (like say, one slice of chips, or a taste of something sweet) -- I suddenly had this wave or more like tsunami run over me, where I just broke down and STUFFED myself. I had been starving myself for sooo long and not eating any of the foods I so loved before -- and now with this 'cheat': I just caved in. I ate and I ate and I ate and I did not stop until I was as stuffed as I could be. And then the tears came, and the guilt and the shame and the throwing up. I struggled for a while with that, where I would constantly move from one polarity to another, from total strictness to total stuffedness -- where I would deprive myself from foods for a while and then it would just backfire and BAM binge party.

In a way this was cool to really see how we live in polarity designs, going from one polarity to another like a very bouncy ball.

After having puked so much and it having had an impact on my body where I just couldn't handle puking anymore because of the blood and pain involved, I got really scared and wanted to stop. I figured that since I created this condition through deliberately managing my mind to bring about this type of behaviour -- I could now just reverse it using the same techniques again.

I was pretty confident that I could do this, it made sense that since I created it I could also uncreate it. Then I got in for a surprise, because it was not as easy as I thought. In the beginning of my endeavor (as mentioned in Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thoughts - Part 1 ) adapting thoughts typical to eating disorder behaviour was very hard as it wasn't automatic and I had to formulate and bring about each thought very specifically. However, as I had now progressed in time -- the thoughts were no longer 'forced' and had become completely automated. So while I thought that I could just 'quickly reverse it' -- I got faced with quite the opposite. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried, the thoughts, the images, the emotional experiences, the swearing at myself -- all those points I took so long to create and imprint within myself -- just wouldn't stop. They were there all the time, around every corner, within every reaction -- it had become my entire reality. Uh oh - crap...

So it was interesting to see how my 'plan' had actually manifested. All the time and energy invested in managing my mind in a forced way had accumulated in it integrating and becoming me. I was no longer controlling my thoughts, my thoughts were controlling me. I got a bit stressed a this point, because I had expected myself to remain 'in control' and now it was getting clear that I wasn't - how was I going to stop?

Then, at some point when I was at my lowest weight (about 52 kgs at 1.78m) and I had been doing the whole not eating thing for quite a long time, we went on a one week holiday by the coast. This was like one of my biggest fears, because I preferred school-time over holiday as this was the easiest time to avoid being around the watchful eyes of my parents. So now I had to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with my family every day -- and generally when our family would go on holidays, we'd also eat all the 'extras' -- so now I was eating all of those as well. And I couldn't risk to puke, because the apartment we were in was tiny so everyone would be able to hear me puke and it would be harder to cover up afterwards.

Everyday I would weight myself, and everyday I would see the indicator of the scale go up and up and up. I was in complete despair.

Then one day, we were about to eat mac and cheese for lunch -- and in that moment I just gave up. I had gained so much weight, while I had struggled for such a loooong time to lose it, and now it was back in a matter of DAYS. I just couldn't do it anymore - and then I caved and I caved hard and I stuffed myself and basically went 'fuck it, fuck this shit' and I cried and I cried. And I always remembered that moment as 'my fall'- almost like I was an angel that had fallen from heaven, into disgrace.

I never really understood how much that moment had affected me. Only a year or so ago, I was experiencing myself down, depressed and like a completely failure and I was writing about how I was experiencing myself and I just couldn't get 'where' this was coming from -- and then suddenly it just dawned to me - it was still an outflow of that one moment where I just gave up and crashed, and experienced myself as a huge failure and after that event, I never stopped experiencing that point, it just became 'who I am'. It's like the moment never stopped, it was still busy running.

I still tried once in a while to 'pick up' on it again, to try and start over, but it just didn't work out. So then I turned my back on that part of my life and slowly but surely went 'back to normal'.

Related articles

• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
• Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1

Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image

I was 'lucky' to have two friends who also had eating disorders – although it was never specifically states as such, their behaviour and attitude towards food, eating and gossip about other people and themselves made pretty clear what was going on.


I would spend my days around them if I could, since we supported each other's state of mind and would not ask questions about the other not eating - quite the opposite, we cheered it lol.


Something unexpected happened though. I would still hang out with my 'bigger group' of friends with one of the two people who also had the ED -- and after they had noticed our behaviour and how much weight we had lost - they started doing the same thing.


Oh oh


I did not prepare for that.
I did not want them to go through what we were doing, because even though we were doing it, we knew it wasn't 'right' and it's something that starts consuming and controlling your whole life.


I always believed that what I was doing was 'innocent' from the sense that it was only affecting my life, my reality. But now through my acceptance and allowance of adopting an Eating Disorder, and the fact that 'no man is an island'-- I was having a direct, negative impact on the life of others. Not only did I aid in supporting my two friends their eating disorder, but was also part of the cause of other people going down the same road.


This is an example of 'living as an example' and a bad one at that -- where other people see you change, and start doing the same. This is where I realised that whatever I do and however I decide to behave either actively or passively through my acceptance and allowance, will have an impact, an influence on others -- through better or for worse.


Now, this was just what was happening within my small little circle of friends, but you could see the same pattern occur in the school in its entirety. It was an art school, so everyone's very much visual/image based and very much pre-occupied looking all 'cool' and 'artsy'-- and being a 'pretty skinny girl' was kind of part of that whole scene.


A lot of girls were unnaturally skinny, and each year as new people would join the school, you could see them 'turn', see them adopt the same destructive life-style as those who were already there, those who were functioning as an example of 'what it means to be someone in this school'. And I mean, it was scary -- but none of the teachers or other staff members seemed to notice. It was this whole secret, hidden, hush-hush subculture that existed and no-one talked about it.


Like I said before, with my friends who had EDs, we never acknowledged to one another what it is we were doing (because then also we'd be admitting to one another that we're 'superficial'). So it was more of a silent acceptance, a silent agreement.


So now, this is one group of friends, one school -- you can only IMAGINE what goes on, on a society/world scale. We are constantly being bombarded by bad examples, by unsustainable life-styles where we promote compromising our human physical bodies to attain some freaking image -- which most of the time is not even possible to attain because it's been manipulated and modified with make-up, specific lighting, specific clothing and photoshop and what not. So you end up compromising into infinity, chasing a reality which has never even been in your reach, it's such a trap.


I mean, is this what it means to live in the 21st century? Is this what it means to live in 'modern times', is this what it means to be 'evolved'? Sure, we have some nice gadgets and technologies which made our life more comfy (and even that, only for a minority) -- in the meantime you have the majority of the world living in physical suffering because we've been unable to overcome our selfishness and then those who do have material comfort live a life of complete unprecedented mental disorder. All in all - we're a very destructive race and are the worst example for future generations.


We really have to reconsider and re-evaluate our whole way of doing things and the way we live our lives, because it's simply not worth it.

Related articles

• Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
• Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Writing - Part 3
• Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1
• Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
• Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life

Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself

Where to start -

I didn't develop an Eating Disorder in a 'natural' way. Meaning, when I was first introduced to the concept of eating disorders, the way it was presented to me was as a 'disease' that just kind of 'happens' to you. To me this seemed weird, because it appeared to be a purely psychological point, and I didn't get why it was dubbed a disease. Either way, I believed that it was something that just 'happened' and went with what I had been told, because "obviously" the medical authority 'knows best'.

At that point in my life, I was pretty bored . My life was pretty much normal and everything was going quite well -- I just didn't have any purpose or goal and found it annoying to just go through my days every day without it 'going anywhere'. I saw other people having a particular passion or pursuing partiular things and I was jealous of how engaged they were and having a point of focus in their life. I found myself lacking passion and commitment.

Then one day, my and my mom and I were watching a documentary on anorexia. I was fascinated by the discipline these girls had to simply not eat no matter what. I wished I could be so commited and 'passionate' about something, and remember thinking 'too bad it's a disease and not something you can just 'do' '. Then as we were watching the documentary, a lot of attention was placed on what went on inside the girls' minds and what thought patterns they followed.

I then thought, well if I can't "get it" (as if its some infectious disease that you can 'catch'), then many I can 'simulate it' by managing my thoughts and my behaviour exactly to how these girls do it. I was really excited when the documentary was over - I had something to do!

Ever since I had hit puberty, I had put on weight and hadn't been satisfied with my weight since - so it was like a 'win-win' situation, because I could keep myself occupied with something and lose weight!

So it's interesting to see how I separated myself from these points of commitment, passion, focus, purpose and discipline and then instead of embracing and applying these points within myself as self-supported -- I placed them 'out there' and adopted them within a point of self-destructiveness instead of self-support. Even though I started applying these points within a context that was not supportive, afterwards I was able to take these points and apply them within self-support later - within the context of Desteni. So here is one of the dimensions that within this whole episode were quite 'fucked', but where if you change your starting-point and direct yourself towards something constructive - and align yourself with for instance the principles that Desteni stands for as walking yourself to Life and ACTUAL Self-Perfection, self-honesty and what's Best for All - you can still practice the same points minus the negative side effects as screwing your body and mind over. So even though this 'phase' I went through was not cool, I am quite grateful for these points, as I within going through this, could see that I was able to decide on something and make it my focus/goal and apply myself consistently within it.

Related articles

• Day 155: Introduction - Starving Myself
• Day 130 - Self judgment - Part 2 - Appearance
• Day 262: I just kept the picture in motion fast enough to ensure that everything was always a bit fuzzy
• 257. A Piece of Heaven at the Expense of Life
• The Mind Movement Character - Introduction: DAY 159