Day 240: The Non-Believer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life as ‘work’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see life as ‘burden’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a burden out of everything in my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see everything and everyone as out to abuse me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to postpone pushing through resistance 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given in to resistance 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have diminished myself to such an extent that even the most basic things like feeding myself have become a burden 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind 'I have time', behind 'I don't have to do this right now', behind 'choice' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'in time things will get easier' that 'time heals all wounds' - not seeing and realizing that it is in reverse, that wounds fester and grow deeper roots 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to wait for things to 'come together' on their own accord

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have taken Bernard's words to heart, for real - but instead stored them as knowledge and information in my head

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'in time it will be easier to live and apply his words' with the hidden notion that 'maybe I don't have to live and apply them, maybe there's a way out' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wasted my time and continue to waste my time 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for someone to save me from myself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not believe in myself 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have twisted the words 'believing in myself' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined believing in myself as hoping and waiting for things to magically work out 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'believing in myself' as 'taking a backseat' within myself, that I don't have to be aware, that I don't have to be in breath 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined believing in myself as passive hope, waiting and hoping for things to magically work out 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am somehow exempt from reality and consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in a state of shock, of ‘oh shit, I really have to do this, WE really have to do this’ - where there is a sense of ‘I can’t believe this is happening, this is real’ even though it has been shared and foretold many times, but I took it for granted, believed and perceived that somehow there’s going to be a ‘happy ending’ - yet all the indicators are not pointing at a happy ending , things are getting worse 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have treated process as a method of ‘self improvement’ as a way to ‘improve myself’ and ‘improve my life’ - looking only at the context of ‘my life’ and ‘this one life’ and not from the perspective of eternity as eternal being that is going to be here after death, as a being that is part of all that is here, that there is no actual ‘death’ as ‘an end’ - there is no escaping what is here as what I have accepted and allowed as what is currently exists here on this earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have walked my process as overcoming ‘some limitations’ and not within the commitment to overcome ALL limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have settled for improvement and not absolute transcendence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have settled for improvement and not absolute transcendence because I already decided at the beginning of my process that ‘I can’t really do this’ 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided that I ‘can’t really do this’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided within myself that walking process is ‘impossible’ and within that never really committed 100%

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Bernard is the exception 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that Bernard asked everyone to do the impossible 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have walked my process as a lifestyle - and in essence have walked as a non-believer, as a Judas - showing a front of agreement but behind my back crossing my fingers that 'I don't actually believe this' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the beginning of my process had seen the implications of Bernard's words, of being the directive principle in EVERY MOMENT OF BREATH, even when ASLEEP - and to have in that moment gone 'pfft, no way, that's stretching it too far' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never really have started my process but been only walking the process to walking my process - still 'making up my mind' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been walking in postponement, waiting 'for proof' even though I lived with the walking and talking proof as Bernard 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have treated process like a dream - that it's not really real - while it is all in reverse - what I thought was real and important was the dream 

Day 231: The Disempowerment of Hope – What are you Waiting for?

For a while now I have been going through all the various recordings Bernard has made throughout the years in order to sort through the content and compile them into books by topic. The History of Desteni – Volume 1 being the first such publication. While going through the interviews and deciding how to sort them, I often come across interviews that ‘hit me home’ in terms of a particular point or dimension I am walking and investigating for myself.

This time, it was a discussion on the word: Hope.

It was particularly timely as I had also listened to the latest Life Reviews Holding Back and Imprisoning My Life Part 1 and Part 2. If you haven’t listened to them, I strongly suggest you do so as it gives extra angle/perspective into the particular topic of this blog. (If you don’t have them, leave a comment along with your e-mail address and I might gift it to you ;-) )

Hope – for many a word with a very positive connotation. The little light that shines at the darkest hour. In recent days, maybe even weeks, I have been looking at my relationship with Hope and in how many ways and forms I participate in hope – without necessarily being aware that it constitutes as hope. 

At first, I was using hope as a way to move myself. 

That things may not be as bad as they look.

That anything could happen at any time that would turn things around 180 degrees.

That maybe something exciting will happen during my day that I may not know of – and it’s just waiting to happen, so I better get out of bed!

It worked for a while, I got myself moving, dived into projects, enthused that great things would be coming my way.

But then – my schedule would fall in the water (which is kind of a chronic condition when you have a toddler) or things beyond my control would freeze my efforts. Or I worked really hard on something and the results were naught. The next day – I was experiencing what I dub a ‘Hope Hangover’.

I didn’t quite understand my experience. I had been ‘so full of energy’ (well, that should have already made some bells ring *oops*) the day before and I had ‘such a positive outlook’ – why was I feeling so low and exhausted today? On a purely physical level – there was nothing that could explain my drained experience. I hadn’t been overexerting myself, Cesar managed to not use me as a mattress for most of the night resulting in a pretty good night’s sleep – everything was working out quite okay in my reality – so why this crash?

I didn’t figure it out until later that night, when I slowed down in bed before sleeping and went over the last few days in microscopic detail. I hadn’t realised how much I had been participating in hope because I hadn’t actually used the word ‘hope’ in any of my thoughts. I hadn’t even been participating in verbal thoughts all that much. And then I realised how many small positive movements occurred within me throughout the days. Where I may be thinking of something, and simply because the particular object of my thoughts has a positive energy charge attached to it – I’m actually going into an experience of Hope.

Or maybe I am scrolling through Instagram, and a particular picture triggers a slight positive reaction inside myself – so slight, so undefined – it’s a pretty picture, of course I should admire it, right? Getting excited about a project idea that’s come to mind. Seems innocent enough right? A slight positive experience as I start working through my to-do list. Well, I should be positively moved – I am being all productive and shit, right? This is how successful people get things done! Yeah, role model stuff happening right here.

Right?

Or maybe not.

Maybe all that positivity is just there to cloak what’s really going on inside: fear, powerlessness and most of all =  a lack of self-trust.

The hope that – maybe if I was living that person’s life things would be easier for me.
Why?
Because I don’t trust that I can change despite what environment I am in

The hope that if I work on this project we can bring more people into the Desteni group.
Why?
Because I fear that people don’t move themselves to investigate things unless they are prompted to, as I don’t trust that I can move myself out of my own self-will.

The hope that if I keep myself busy and diligently work through my to do list that people will be inspired.
Why?
Because I haven’t established the trust to be passionate myself through sheer common sense and understanding. That's why I move from fear instead of understanding.

Now, I’m not saying one shouldn’t like things on Instagram, not come up with any ideas/new projects or not work through your to-do list. The point I am making is that our starting point in how and why we engage in our reality determines how we will experience ourselves and move ourselves.

What if I am ever forever stuck in the living conditions I have now? What if things don’t get better, but worse? Will it change who I am? Will it change what I stand for? Does it mean I will give up on pushing for a better world for all, equally?

What if people don’t come and join Desteni, and we remain a relatively small group – or get disintegrated all together? Does it change anything for who I am and what I stand for? Will I turn my back and submit that the world is ‘just the way it is’?

What if doing my best and getting as many things done as possible does not reap any results? Will I regret how I spent my time? Will I wish that I could have ‘not wasted my time’? Or will I stand by who I am and what I do – unconditionally – regardless of the outcome?

These are small examples of ways where can still be stuck in the Design of Hope. Where we focus on our external reality to (magically) change or suddenly support us – while on a deep level not being there for ourselves.

What are we waiting for?

Are we waiting for things to get better, before we will diligently stop our thoughts and emotions and live in every breath? Or do we move ourselves in every breath because we have proven to ourselves that the old way, the way of the mind for sure does not reap the best benefits for everyone in this world, equally?

Are we waiting for someone else to stand up, to prove that stopping your mind and moving your trust and faith in Life makes things better for everyone in the world including yourself, in fact? Or are we going to be that person for ourselves, because the proof has been in our face countless times – and we have just that mustard seed of self-honour to stop torturing ourselves?

Are we going to wait for Desteni to become more financially successful because money has been deemed to be the ultimate sign and beacon of truth, success and validity in this world (which is a highly dubious conviction in itself)? Or are we going to move ourselves unconditionally because in our being we know that what has become of this world and ourselves is disgraceful and have decided: No More!

The more we hope for circumstances to change ‘for the better’ the more we confirm the belief that ‘I cannot do it’ , ‘I’m incapable’.
And that's why I had a 'Hope Hangover'. Because all my movements had been conditional, to achieve something, to appease something. And when those conditions weren't met -- down, down the rabbit hole you go.

Investigate all the various ways you are still participating in Hope and show to yourself how Abandoning All Hope – to make the decision to develop Trust in Yourself – can be the most empowering move you can make.

Here’s a video by Matti which he made closely after Bernard discussed the word ‘Hope’ :

And here are some blogs I wrote around the same time linking in to this, when I went through tickbite fever:

http://ylaww.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-35-reversing-trust.html

http://ylaww.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-36-self-as-creator.html

Day 119: The Power of Thought - Part 3

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 117: The Power of Thought  

Day 118: The Power of Thought: Time Warp

When and as I see myself accessing an assumption on 'how long' something takes to do, and believe this to be a valid and trustworthy reference -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am just making things up and actually have no idea how long something is or isn't going to take, and have already seen many times that my estimations do not match the actual physical reality of how long things take to do and so I commit myself to disregard my assumption/belief and to find out how long something takes by actually doing it and not using my estimation/guess as an excuse/justification as to why I shouldn't do something

When and as I see myself being in a position where I have to do something but believe/estimate/guess that I will not be able to complete the task within the given timeframe -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I cannot be trusted with such estimations and commit myself to start the tasks regardless of whether I will be able to finish it or not to practice the point of simply doing things without entertaining the backchat of 'Its going t take too long' and so not giving myself any space to move into self-sabotage but integrate a pattern of immediate self-movement

I commit myself to investigate those points/tasks which I have labelled as 'take a lot time' in terms of how they fit in my schedule to investigate the emotional energy charges connected to them as that which makes them appear to 'take long' and to remove these emotional layers through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements / Application

When and as I see myself looking at what I have to do next and then check whether I have enough time to do it or not where I look at the task but then secretly in the back of my mind only check how much I like/dislike doing the task at hand -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this method of moving through my day/taks is very ineffective as I am allowing myself to compromise myself and others in not doing certain tasks or postponing them because of my personal energy attachments attached to them and so I commit myself to within that moment of 'sidetracking' inside my mind as measuring my level of resistance to snap myself out of it, bring myself here as my human physical body within and as breath and simply do what it is that needs to be done

When and as I see myself calculating how long a specific task is going to take within 'walking the task' within my mind where I see flashes of the steps and experience a particular energetic charge to each one of the pictures as the steps involved and then instead of looking at 'how long it takes', I only take notice of 'how I feel' in terms of how I react to each one of the steps, where the harder I reacted, I will translate it into 'takes so long' and within that sabotage myself to not do something or postpone it in order to avoid this 'negative experience' and remain in character and so I commit myself to stop calculating and stop going through the steps, breathe, ground myself within and as my human physical body within breath and do what needs to be done and then check how long it took only afterwards to give myself an actual physical reference and not a mind assumption based on energy

When and as I see myself looking at the time and participating within thoughts/backchat in the nature of "there's no time for that" or "maybe later, I won't make it" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to use time as just another dimension within justifying and excusing self-interested behaviour, where I want to be able to point to an external source as 'time' and 'the clock' so I can say, "but no, look, there is no time! Even the clock says so!" as a way of showing how 'powerless' I am within a given situation, that I don't really have a say in it and that my 'hands are tied', the time decided for me -- it wasn't me making the decision -- and within that completely abdicating self-responsibility and reducing myself to a slave incapable of any form of self-movement or practical common sense decision making based on what is Best for All Life -- and so I commit myself to within those moments stop, and check my starting point in terms of what it is I am trying to achieve within wanting to find out what the time and re-align my starting point and thus behaviour if and when necessary

Related articles

• Day 118: The Power of Thought: Time Warp
• Day 97: Don't you just LOVE Complaining? - Part 2
• Character Dimensions - BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 1): DAY 167
• Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
• Day 99: Stress Management - Part 2
• Day 100: Stress Management - Part 3