Day 189: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession – Part 2

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 186: Baggage from the Past – when is an ED really over?
Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion
Day 188: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession – Part 1

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt/shame/regret within the context of ‘I am a bad person’, thinking that ‘I shouldn’t have done that’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I created this experience for myself within having adopted particular rules/guidelines within my Morality Character where I labelled some foods as ‘good’ and some foods as ‘bad’ and will consequently according to what I eat either experience a positive energy charge connected to the ‘good food’ or a negative energy charge connected to the ‘bad food’ and so I commit myself to breathe, stop, let go and investigate what rules/script I adopted which resulted in my experience and delete/remove them

When and as I see myself experience guilt/shame/regret in relation to eating particular foods – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am the creator of my experience within my participation and development of my Morality Character and thus I commit myself to take responsibility for my creation and remove myself from Morality and align myself to Principle as what’s Best for my Body

When and as I see myself picking out food based on information linked to weight loss and gain – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am eating / feeding myself in order to satisfy my mind which is not the purpose of food and where as a consequence I make bad food decisions which I later regret – even though they were supposed to be ‘good decisions’ according to my food religion but my body then shows me otherwise and so I commit myself to let go and listen to my body and pick food / eat in order to sustain my body which is the purpose of food in the first place

When and as I see myself eating a food from the bad/fattening category and start thinking of ways I can make it ‘okay’ within considering what I will and will not eat in the future or consider particular exercises/activities as to ‘make up’ for those ‘extra calories’ where I am “calculating” things in my mind – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am merely trying to make up for ‘feeling bad’ and try to find ways to justify my decision so that I can ‘feel better’ – without looking at why I ate the food and why it is necessary to go and ‘make up’ for it and so I commit myself to stop and retrace my steps all the way back and investigate the trigger that set me off down this path of disordered reasoning

When and as I see myself accessing all my rules, codes and guidelines in relation to food and trying to figure out the ‘right thing to do’ while at the same time finding excuses/reasons why I ‘shouldn’t do the right thing’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that if I am constantly trying to do the ‘right thing’ while at the same time trying to avoid it – there is something wrong with my direction as I am conflicted about what it is I want and thus I commit myself to investigate my starting point and come to a commitment/principle that I can actually stand by within what’s Best for my Body

Related articles

• Day 188: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession - Part 1
• Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food - Part 2
• Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion
• Day 177: Ana - I Failed You
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food

Day 188: Releasing Myself from Calorie Obsession – Part 1

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 186: Baggage from the Past – when is an ED really over?
Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion

 

When and as I see myself reacting to foods in my view when opening the fridge/cupboard within accessing ‘how much calories’ each food contains – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have trained myself over time to develop this habit to become automated as part of my food religion and so I commit myself to breathe, let go of all the information and simply look / see what it is my body would like to eat within the moment and base my food decisions on that

When and as I see myself reacting to foods in my view when opening the fridge/cupboard within accessing ‘how much calories’ each food contains and accordingly start judging some foods as ‘good’ and other foods as ‘bad’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become obsessed with calories and food without having properly investigated whether calories is a valid variable to base one’s food decisions on -- and as I have now seen, realised and understood that the body does not look/work with foods in terms of calories but the various substances it consists of which the body processes differently and so I commit myself to let go of the calorie conviction and disregard the information that comes up within breath and work with what me as my human physical body indicates would be best to eat

When and as I see myself judging particular foods as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that food in itself is innocent – it is what it is and it’s just here. It is neither good or bad but is merely a food which consists of particular substances which have particular effects when ingested and when ingested in combination with other foods – thus I commit myself to base my decision on ‘what to eat’ within looking/seeing what my body requires within that particular moment and to identify what food within that moment would be best suitable and which foods are not best suitable and within that I also see and realise that the same food will not always be the best option in every single moment but will depend on the state of the body at that point in time depending on the context of the moment and thus I additionally commit myself to be flexible and re-assess each moment individually and to not base my decisions on past memories as they may not be relevant to the moment and interfere with what is Best for my Body

When and as I see myself pick a particular food based on its caloric content – I stop and I breathe – I check my starting point and ask myself whether this is indeed the best food to within the moment eat and check how my body responds and so I commit myself to use my body as a feedback system to check whether or not to eat something and disregard caloric value


When and as I see myself scanning the various foods in the fridge/cupboard and start accessing all the data I have accumulated while participating within Anorexia in relation to the various foods – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the information I am accessing is obsolete and no longer relevant as it is not a reliable method to use as a base to make one’s eating/food decision on and so I commit myself breathe, let go, ground myself within and as my human physical body and check my body to see what it is that would be most supportive to eat within the moment

When and as I see myself comparing foods based on their caloric content – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that looking only at calories is an isolated and limited means to base one’s eating/food decisions on and so I commit myself to stop, breathe, let go of the information and to check with my body what is required to be eaten

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt/regret/shame and a sense of failure when eating a food that I am ‘supposed to not eat’ according to my Eating Disorder Food Religion – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these emotions and feelings are an untrustworthy feedback system to base my food decisions on as they are feedbacks from the mind and not from the body and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and let go of the emotions and to check with my body and take note of how my body responds to particular foods within a particular context for future reference from a starting point of what is Best for my Body rather than looking at what’s best to fulfil my Food Religion ideas of the Mind

When and as I see myself wanting to eat a particular food to which I have linked a high caloric content and eat it from a sense of ‘spitefulness’ and ‘eat it anyway’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am acting from reaction which is not a solution as I have not yet re-aligned my starting point but am merely ‘rebelling’ and ‘opposing’ still within the framework of calories which indicates to me that even though I am acting ‘backwards’ I am still participating / holding on to the same starting point as calories as ‘anti-calories’ – as I am merely going ‘against’ the calories without actually checking whether within disregarding the calories the same food option still stands -- and so I commit myself to breathe and ground myself within and as my human physical body as to not make decisions based on emotions/judgments/reactions as ‘rebellion’ towards ‘calories’ but to check with my body what it requires within the moment that would be most supportive to eat and make my decision according to that

Related articles

• Day 187: Sinner and Saint of my own Food Religion
• Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food - Part 2
• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food
• Day 186: Baggage from the Past - when is an ED really over?
• Day 279: Anorexia and Desteni
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 306: Encryption of the System of Self
• Day 154: Cutting the Strings

Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food – Part 2

When and as I see myself participating within thoughts deliberately aimed at undermining my body for the sake of achieving a particular picture presentation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these thoughts are not supportive and not sustainable and have to stop,, I also see and realise that I have integrated these thoughts pattern through repetitions through time and will take time and continuous dedication to stop and correct myself and so I commit myself to breathe, let go of the thought(s) and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself participate within disordered thought patterns which I know do not make sense and only serve to manipulate myself into actions of self-sabotage which I will then later regret – I stop and I breathe – I have seen the beginning and end of this pattern and takes me no-where and so I commit myself to and let go and save myself the unnecessary regret of not sticking with common sense

When and as I see myself participating within non-supportive thoughts to my physical well-being in relation to food and my body where I take/look at a piece of food and start going through all the information and knowledge I have about that particular food and will weigh out the ‘good’ against the ‘bad’ within the framework of ‘will this make me fat’ – and then base my decision to eat or not eat the food on that – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the information I gathered while I was having an eating disorder was selective and in line with my obsession and thus this information is not reliable as I will only ever use it to justify disordered eating patterns and so I commit myself to let go of all the knowledge and information and to simply check within myself as my human physical body what it feels like eating and work with that

When and as I see myself looking at foods in terms of only the information and knowledge I have about them – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is a very limited way of interacting with food as all I know is a bunch of numbers like calories and have ideas of morality of what properties of the food are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ but do not actually in any way whatsoever know the food for real but only know of the idea that I have about the food which keeps me from actually dealing with the food and basically making completely random food choices which are not substantiated in fact as I have no idea how my human physical body actually operates and processes foods and so I commit myself to let go of all that I thought I knew about food while participating within an ED and to trust my body to tell me what foods are required to be eaten

When and as I see myself meticulously scanning my body and start noting down all the things that are apparently ‘wrong’ with it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these ideas/judgments/ideals were not always a part of me and do not have to be there – as these judgments in terms of what the body ‘looks like’ in no way serve in catering for my body’s well being and so I commit myself to stop and embrace myself as my human body unconditionally and be grateful for the unconditionality of my body being here and still being here after all I have put it through

When and as I see myself repeating thoughts I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am literally brainwashing myself as I have seen and realised how this would play out in the past and so I commit myself to stop right then and there as there is no point to allow such a point to accumulate to complete integration and automation but to rather nip it in the bud and prevent any unnecessary consequences from taking place

When and as I see myself doing / thinking / saying /writing something which I, inside myself know I shouldn’t be doing within experiencing it as essentially ‘stabbing myself in the back’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I can’t lie to myself and that if I continue lying and cheating on myself I will eventually get tired of myself so I commit myself to stop and correct myself right then and then and to not let this pattern play out any longer unnecessarily

When and as I see myself justify my actions over and over again and coming up with new ways of justifying what I am doing – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I only use justification to cover something up which I inherently know I should not be doing and so I commit myself to stop and flagpoint these justifications to remind me that I am not being honest with myself and require to review my self-application

When and as I see myself going into that same vibe/train of thoughts that marked my eating disorder phase – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am entering dangerous territory and do not want to go there because if I go there I have to anyway get out of it again so I might as well stop right now and here and get over it as that is inevitable – and that is what I commit myself to

Related articles

• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 183: Anorexia - Lifestyle or Disease?
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni
• Day 177: Ana - I Failed You
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance

Day 179: You Reap what You Sow

This blog is part of my Eating Disorder Series that I am walking, and specifically in continuation to: Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within an Eating Disorder thinking and believing that participating within it would only affect me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider how my participation within generating/developing and maintaining an Eating Disorder may influence others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been shocked and surprised when I saw some of my friends follow into my footsteps – where they had seen the change within me and followed foot in the pursuit of losing weight – where an event like this needed to happen to give me a wake-up call and re-evaluate what I am doing at the cost of others

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise how I was feeding into the same cycle that contributed to me developing an Eating Disorder and where I was now the one triggering / feeding in to others developing Eating Disorders

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated within self-destructive behaviour and within doing so directly supported self-destructive behaviour within others – even if it hadn’t been my intention to do so – it had been implied by my actions as my acceptances and allowances

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I could not expect others to not do as I was doing – after all I was doing it so it would be hypocritical to not want others to do the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have simply swallowed “the bitter truth” as seeing my friends go down the same path where I secretly within myself “wished them luck” on the road down the rabbit hole – where I saw that the only way I would be able to correct this is if I stop and correct myself and get them out of this mindfuck before it got worse - but was not willing to give my Eating Disorder up and within that left my friends to their own devices

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not stopped myself and not have stopped my friends from participating within self-destructive behaviour such as ED because I was too scared to give it up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made the deliberate decisions to not step in and prevent harm from being done unto my friends by themselves because I was not yet willing to give up my own self-harm as I believed that ED was all there was to my life and if I give this up now I will be left with nothing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to overrule common sense where I let fear get the better of me and not intervene where I saw I could within preventing my friends from generating an eating disorder

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have taken self-responsibility for my actions and the consequences which arose out of them where I did not do anything when my friends starting dabbling with Eating Disorder behaviour because I was too scared to stop myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have seized the moment I saw I should speak and tell my friends to stop and not go down that road and explain the exact nature of what it is they’re about to get themselves into and within that make the decision to stop myself and correct myself right then and there and stand as a proper example

Day 177: Ana - I Failed You

This blog is part of my Eating Disorder Series that I am walking, and specifically in continuation to: Day 167: The Big Fall  and Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and consider myself to be a failure for not having been able to push through within continuing to participate within my Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have interpred my "Big Fall" as the confirmation point that I am a failure and will never get anywhere in Life because I can't stick to anything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed all my self-worth and self-value within this one point of pursuing and maintaining an Eating Disorder where I placed all my hopes into this one point and thus when I didn't persevere in this one point as ED I deemed myself as a complete failure and waste of space and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone and stuffed myself to confirm / affirm that I am a failure and I will never get anywhere so I might as well stuff myself to shit as "if I'm not going to get anywhere in Life I might as well enjoy stuffing myself and getting an energy high from food"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have locked myself into a mode of self-defeat from that day onwards -- where whatever I do and whatever I participate in, it is never good enough and I will never be good enough because I have already proven to myself that I can't commit to something to a point of completion

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my Eating Disorder did not end that day but merely took a 180 turn where I went into the opposite polarity of 'not caring what I eat' and 'stuffing myself' where I then only cared about the energetic experience / charge I would get from eating tasty food which is again eating from a Mind perspective and not actually taking into consideration what foods would actually assist and support my body and thus still existing within a pattern of self-destruction and self-neglect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after my 'Big Fall' have gone into a polarity experience whereby I now stuffed myself with all the foods I had denied myself for so long and gaining lots of weight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that my relationship towards food and eating was now one of 'Not caring' as if I was totally "cool" and "fine" with eating whatever I wanted and carried this attitude from a point of superiority in terms of "Look at me, I'm not superficial, I don't care about this whole "be skinny thing" just eat what you like and love yourself" -- not seeing and realising that I had taken on this attitude from a starting point of Spite wherein I wanted to push away / say 'fuck you' in the face of anorexia as if I was "over it" and where anorexia wasn't "good enough for me" wherein I took on a diminishing / demeaning stance towards anorexia/bulimia/ed to hide the fact that it was actually I who felt rejected, diminished, demeaned and not good enough in face of Anorexia as I had failed -- but instead put up a 'tough front' in order to not having to face these feelings and hiding from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a stance of 'I don't care' towards food and eating as an easy way out / quick fix for not having to deal with my inner turmoil

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have given myself the time and space to properly work through this point but instead allowed myself to drag this burden around for years without seeing and realising how much this memory/experience was still affecting me within my every day life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I failed maintaining an Eating Disorder that this means that I am a failure

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that having and maintaining an Eating Disorder is not sustainable and would have ended at some point or another as in the end the Physical perishes in order to maintain one's imagination and fantasies of being skinny

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that not persevering with an Eating Disorder does not automatically imply that I am a failure, but is a decision that I made for myself within myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I do not have to see / define / experience myself as a failure for not having persevered within pursuing/maintaining an Eating Disorder

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the only thing I failed at was valuing myself as a Being rather than an image/picture presentation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have only valued myself in so far that I could stick within maintaining an Eating Disorder instead of valuing myself as Life

Related articles

• Day 172: My Dirty Little Secret
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
• Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin

Day 172: My Dirty Little Secret

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection 
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

Day 167: The Big Fall 

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach 

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resisted writing about having had an eating disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged my eating disorder period as me being ‘superficial’ and consequently not wanting to write about it because of fear of being seen as ‘superficial’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by not writing about ED I am only further perpetuating the taboo around eating disorders as some weird/disturbing phenomena within this world which is not yet understood – instead of seeing and realising that an ED is the mathematical outcome of having experienced particular reactions and having participated within particular thought patterns which were acted upon, resulting in ED behaviour – there is nothing good or bad about it – it merely is what it is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have wanted to write about my ED within fear of being seen as ‘superficial’ – not seeing and realising, that our world is superficial and as never achieved anything of real substance and within that my ED was merely one of the many faces of superficiality within a world of inequality where the nature of the mind and actual living is not understood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself and others as myself who have and still are participating within a form of ED -- without judging or scrutinizing the society which promotes and brews such behaviour through a distorted value system of valuing image and imagination over physical reality – not seeing and realising that the one is merely the outcome of the other

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that through hiding and being all ‘hush hush’ about having an eating disorder I am accepting and allowing myself to protect disorder and disharmony in the world at large – where hiding, being shameful and not talking about the problem, I am putting myself in a position where I will not talk about the problems that exist at large in society – where I will protect the dirty secrets of the world as long as I can protect my own

Related articles

• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
• Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
• Day 168: Always Just out of Reach
• Day 167: The Big Fall
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences