Day 242: Stepping out of Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to validate my fears

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become addicted to fear and the alternate reality it opens up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used my fears and anxieties as a way to guide and direct me that it feels unnatural 'not to' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the future needs to be foretold and be known 100% before I can walk it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I could not have in any way predicted where I am today and the path I have walked and yet: I am here

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it takes discipline to condition myself and my body into fear and that it takes discipline to say No in every moment to get out of the experience 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it takes time to walk through the layers of the onion -- to be patient with myself and yet not use 'it's not going fast enough / it's not all sorted 'here and now'' as an excuse that 'it's not working' -- within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live both patience and perseverance in equal measure - where I tend to either be 'too patient' where I let time pass but without the dedicated movement and action of myself or where I am being forceful and hard with myself cause I want to get it done 'here and now' and then react that it's not done in 'one moment' as 'one decision' as it's a decision I have to make and live again and again and again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself when I am making changes -- thinking and believing 'no this can't be it' and then plunge myself deeper into the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply a solution consistently enough to see what comes of it and actually take myself through to the other side

Day 227: What can we learn from Continuum?

I have been following the Tv-series ‘Continuum’ for a while now, and would like to share a perspective that came up while watching the last few episodes.

For those who are not familiar with Continuum, here a short delineation so you can have some background/context:

The series starts off in the future, in the year 2077. Corporations have taken over the role of government, where a ‘Corporate Congress’ rules. A rebel group (or terrorist group, depending on ‘whose side’ you’re on) called Liber8 tries to fight the corporatocracy in favour of a democracy, but their main players are apprehended and to be executed. As they’re about to be executed, something unexpected happens and they are sent back in time, to the year 2012. With them, one of the cops who was present at the execution, was also sent back. Even though there are no longer in their timeline, the Liber8 group tries to fight the corporations and change the future by changing things in the past/present, while the lady cop still tries to catch them and stop them.

What I find interest about the series is how no particular side is being choses in terms of ‘who the good guys’ are and ‘who the bad guys are’. One could relate to the Liber8 group as being ‘terrorists’ because they are involved in illegal and sometimes violent activities, yet on the other hand they are fighting for democracy and wanting to get rid of a police-state, which is something a lot of people would be able to relate to as ‘being a good thing’.

On the other hand you have the cop who wants to uphold the rule of law, yet what is law is not always what is right or good – so there you have another moral conundrum.

The point both the ‘fighters’ and ‘protectors’ share however, is that they assume they can change the future by altering events in the past. As the series progresses, and especially now in the last few episodes, it becomes clear that even though their best intentions at changing things in the past/present, leads to bad outcomes in the future.

It’s quite fascinating, because the whole time, they are trying to change events or create events, and then hope that by altering this and that point, it will lead to some effect down the line that will make ‘everything better’. The whole point that seems to be missed then, is that it’s pointless to try and change events, try and change ‘who’s in charge’/’on top’ – without people actually changing.

You can have a timeline which is government heavy, and which can be totally unsatisfying and unbearable, while you can also have a timeline where government is basically nil and corporations have free reign, which can be equally inadequate. In the end, it doesn’t matter ‘who’ rules in terms of the polarities and dualities we are used to (corporations vs government, freedom fighters versus police/protectors) – because in the end you are dealing with the exact same thing, which is = human nature. You can go back in time as much as you want and try and change events and hope to have a better future as an outcome, but so long you don’t touch the point of changing human nature, you are merely going to have the same outcome. Because, if you’re only changing events, you’re not really changing anything.

In the series for example, there’s a lot of mention of electronic technology and biotech that can potentially be dangerous for public safety and wellbeing. A drug that can cure Alzheimer’s for instance, can be messed with to become an addictive drug that can ruin people’s lives if addicted. A health monitoring gadget, can potentially become a device for mass control and manipulation.

These are for instance some of the points that the Liber8 group will attempt to ‘stop’ and ‘destroy’ because they are ‘dangerous to mankind’. The thing is, that they’re equally beneficial to mankind.

The Alzheimer’s drug or the health monitoring gadget are in itself not evil. They just ‘do what they do’. It’s is all up to the human element, the ‘who we are’ and what principles we live and stand by, that in the end determines whether we’re going to have a cure for Alzheimer’s or another devastating addictive drug on the street. Just as atomic science was just another area of investigation and exploration to further scientific research, development and knowledge, it was the human who decided to use it in its destructive potential, rather than its constructive potential.

I mean, it makes you wonder doesn’t it, about why we’re here on Earth. All the things that have massive constructive potential, also have great destructive potential. The internet as a recent point of technological innovation can be constructive in bringing people together from all over the world and increasing the speed at which we process and send information – yet, at the same time, it’s also great catalyst of apathy, separation, shallowness and triviality. In the end, it’s not about the internet being either ‘good or bad’, but what we can tell about its users in how the internet is being used.

A health monitoring gadget can be just that: a health monitoring gadget. But it’s about ‘who wields it’, that in the end decides whether the outcome we may observe and witness, is that of creation and support or destruction and subversion.

You cannot change the outcome of a future, by going back in time and ‘prevent this and that from being made’. Because even though these objects may not come into being, the evil that wielded it, is still ever present, and that evil: is us.

We are on a planet with what seems like unlimited potential, yet the only potential we seem interested in developing is the kind that destructs and annihilates, the kind that keeps a few happy while a majority suffer.

We were given dominion over the Earth and all things upon it – yet, we decided to interpret this dominion as domination, where we perceived this to be the permission to submit and subvert whatever and whomever we want at our heart’s whims and desire. However, if you investigate the word ‘dominion’, you will find that it roots back to the Latin word ‘domus’, which means house, home. We were given a choice, to develop, support and take of those living under our house, to embrace all who reside in our responsibility – and yet, without even the blink of an eye passing by, we decided that our dominion meant doing whatever the fuck we want at whomevers expense, and this is exactly what we have been living out, from the dawn of time till now.

There is no point to try and change the past.

There is no point in fighting one another.

What must change is us, who we are, our nature, the laws of our being that we live by
.
If you agree that we have to change our course of living, check out the Desteni of Living, and change the principles you live by the ones that are Best for All Life, so we may yet create Heaven on Earth.

Related articles

• Episode Review: CONTINUUM ("Matter of Time")
• Continuum Season 3 Episode 1 "Minute by Minute" Recap
• 'Continuum' recap: The slippery, ever-evolving future
• Alzheimer's Research Trust pleased by government plan

Day 201: Classmates or Competitors?

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 199: Exam Nightmares
Day 200: I Don't Do Bad Grades 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I 'must have good grades'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that I 'must have good grades' within observing my siblings having good grades and this being praised by my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief that 'passing' is not good enough and that one should always aim for a '100%'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a fear of bad grades within having been pushed/motivated to 'always have good grades', as others indicated that 'having good grades' will give you the widest variety of options for your future and thus if I have bad grades I am putting in danger my future as I won't necessarily be able to study / follow what I want if/when bad grades limit me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my desire for good grades is rooted/embedded within the fear of having bad grades as fearing for my future / having limited career options

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have promised to myself that I will never allow myself to have bad grades because if I do I might end up in a miserable position in the system

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have questioned my parents or the education system, where it became clear that even though school was a place where I could be with my friends and play during break times -- I was at the same time in a race/competition with the other children in the class, a race/competition for future status in society/the system -- where some will study hard to make sure that they will be able to further their education while others don't or simply can't with the means available and where each child does not look out or look back at one's friends or care about their situation because we all know 'someone has to do the sucky jobs one day' but 'at least it won't be me because I have good grades'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into a form of tunnel vision, where all I could see was a straight vision to my future / future position in society/the system -- where all I cared about was 'getting good grades' as this was what I understood to be my 'ticket' to a nice life in the system -- where there was no time or space to consider others who may not be doing as well as I was and thus would possibly end up in less favourable positions in society/system -- but where instead of helping/assisting them I only went further into fear as I 'cannot waste any time on them' and must 'take advantage' of their shortcomings as this puts me 'further ahead' in the race

Related articles

• Day 156: Competitive thoughts - part 2
• Conquering The Contest Of Survival - Day 388
• I Really Want You To Fail - Day 386
• The Things We Do To Feel Good About Ourselves - Day 387
• Day 338 Self Interest is Ignorant to consideration. Part 3
• Day 191: Reacting to Futility, and to WTF I've Done.

Day 181: Crucified between Past and Future: Re-Defining Anxiety

I’m going through the blogs I’ve written so far within my Journey to Life and identifying words to re-define as part of this process.

A bunch of my first blogs were in relation to fear and anxiety:

Day 11: Anxiety and Me - Part 1
Day 12: Anxiety and Me - Part 2
Day 13 - Fear of Failure - Anxiety and Me - Part 3
Day 14 - Trusting Fear - Anxiety and Me - Part 4
Day 15: Self as Creator - Fear and Me - Part 5

In this blog I want to take on the word ‘Anxiety’ as this has been a word that I’ve experienced many times in my life – if not continuously in the past.

So : Anxiety

Dictionary definition:

noun, plural anx·i·e·ties.

1.

distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune: He felt anxiety about the possible loss of his job.

2.

earnest but tense desire; eagerness: He had a keen anxiety to succeed in his work.

3.

Psychiatry. a state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder

In my life I’ve mostly experience anxiety as a fear paired with much pain and tension in my solar plexus – where in the end the very flesh of my tummy actually hurts from all the built up fear. The fear was always related to something in the future where I fear being in a particular situation and imagining worst case scenarios – I never really investigated it. – it was just there and it was annoying – so within that ‘not knowing what to do with this experience’ there was definitely a negative charged attached to this word.


Sounding of the word:
Anxiety
Eng (Dutch for ‘scarcy’) Sight I see (Scary Sight I see)


The ‘An’ / ‘Ang’ part of the word Anxiety reminds me of Angling – and the ‘X’ I see as a cross / crossing/cross point between past and future – where in the moment of anXiety you are angling with a hook, where you first throw your line backwards, hooking into the past and then throw it forward: into the future. Within that you’re never here, but always moving from past to future where X is that crossing point which is also in the middle of the word ‘anXiety’. This ‘back and forth’ sort of movement is also a point of conflict/friction where you’re buzzing while being pulled both into the past and future – which can be seen as being ‘crucified’ between the past and the future.

In terms of the fear component in Anxiety, fear I’ve found has often to do with merely a point of not understanding – where often I find myself fearing something but when it is then explained to me specifically and I understand it (like say an experience), then the fear goes away.

So here I would look at Anxiety as throwing fears from the past where I was not understanding / realising how to cope with something and projecting/throwing these into the future as expectations where I fear/dread being in such situations again

So a new definition for anxiety could be where one is participating within a concern based on the past - where a point was not clearly understood / missed in terms of effectively working with/through which generated a sense of confusion turned into fear - and whereby one is fishing these past concerns up and throwing them into the future - and where one within this experience of conflict is unable to clearly evaluate and assess the situation and give self direction – and thus one would be required to identify/investigate the point which requires clarification in terms of not understanding so self can upgrade one’s understanding and stand effectively within the point which generated anxiety

So now it’s not a matter anymore of ‘shit I am experiencing anxiety – I want to avoid what I fear’ – but to instead see the experience of anxiety as merely a line of information coming up in a particular moment which requires to be read (as the new definition) and to correct/re-align oneself according to this information which presented itself within that moment as a tool/guideline towards Self-Perfection.

Related articles

• Day 181 - Self Doubt Part 6.
• Day 159 - How will the world ever change if I don't become and live as the change I speak of?
• Day 181: Human Nature and the True Dare-Devil
• Day 152: Things are Not Always what they Seem
• Day 126 - Behind the Scenes of "Physics and the Desteni Process" series - A Battle of the Mind- Self Forgiveness
• Day 181: Applied Equality in Equal Money Capitalism

Day 92: Always Expect the Worst - Part 2

This blog is a continuation:
Day 88: Fear of the Past Repeating Itself 
Day 89: Holding Back 
Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2
Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won’t get Disappointed

When and as I see myself monitoring the behaviour of a new bird in comparison to birds of the past -- specifically looking to 'match' the behaviour in order to classify it under 'bird that made it' and 'bird that didn't made it' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am trying to dig into the past in order to find out what the future is going to look like, where I am constantly jumping back and forth in order to get some 'information' and within that completely missing what is here as the moment, as things unfold in breath -- which is the only moment where I can make a true assessment -- and so I commit myself to snap myself out of the going back and forth, breathe, ground myself as my human physical body and let go of the need to control and allow myself to enjoy the moment for what it is

When and as I see myself react to seeing Puf bop her head down with fear -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am immediately connecting this physical presentation feature to memories with similar features where birds bopped their head down and later died, where I then go into fear of the same thing happening to Puf -- so I commit myself to within that moment stop the fear, breathe, be here as my human physical body and unconditionally participate in the moment

When and as I see myself keeping a close eye on the behaviour of a new bird from the starting point of seeing whether I should relax or worry -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that neither being 'relaxed' as being 'nonchalant' or the polairty as being 'worried' is going to make a different to what is actually going on, and is in no way going to 'change the future' or alter the outcome just by changing my mood -- what matters is physical action as keeping an eye on things and intervene when necessary -- and not to be constantly and continuasly in a particular 'mood' -- whether positive or negative -- wherein I compromise my effectiveness in dealing with what is here within looking at things within judgment where I can interpret things 'optimistically' and miss things or interpret things 'pessimistically' and make things up -- and so I commit myself to snap myself out of wanting to find out 'how I should feel' -- instead I breathe, ground myself within my human physical body and commit myself to trust myself to pick up behavioural changes which require intervention when necessary -- and act

When and as I see myself to into a want/desire/believe that I need a sense of control -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am taking on this stance in order to manage my inner reality as thoughts,feelings and emotions -- where I believe that if I am able to predict the future/outcome of the bird I can already 'prepare' myself before it happens so that when it happens I can suppress the experience appear to not be affected and so I commit myself to stop wanting control as this wanting control indicates a fear of a particular experience/event and so I move myself to investigate my relationship with that which I fear and dissect my experience within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements, so that whatever happens: I am here

When and as I see myself embracing the motto of "Always expect the worst, then you can't get disspointed' when experiencing anxiety/uncertainty in relaiton to a particular outcome -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that suiting myself up with this motto is not an actual solution to my experience but merely a suppression mechanism where I want to put up a 'brave face' where I hope that if I take this point on that I will not be affected/emotional if the worst case scenario does happen and so I commit myself to stop myself within that moment of thinking "Better expect the worst" and look at what it is that I fear and my experience in relation to it within writing, instead of suppressing it

When and as I see myself wanting to adopt the attitude of "Always expect the worst, like that you can't get disappointed" in relation to an outcome where I fear I may be affected by it -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have accepted and allowed judgment to exist within and as me towards being sad/crying when something happens like the death of an animal -- where I believe that it is 'weak' to demonstrate such behaviour and fear being judged for it and so I commit myself to investigate my relationship with showing how I feel/experience myself within judgment of 'weakness' and I commit myself to within that moment stop and look at how I am judging myself and let go of the fear/judgment and allow myself to breathe, be here and simnply take things as they come

Related articles

• Day 91: Always Expect the Worst, Like that you won't get Disappointed
• Day 82: Self-Completion
• Day 90: Holding Back - Part 2

Day 31: Fear of Speaking - Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying something which I perceive is 'against the grain' of what another is saying or doing -- within the fear that they will 'come back at me' and that I will not know how to respond -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the moment of not being able to respond -- that I will be seen as small, weak and an 'embarrassment' as I am unable to 'back up' my statement and within that be seen as 'invalid' -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of being reduced to 'nothing'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to respond to a person's reply -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I find myself unable to formulate or come up with a response that this means that what I had to say is invalid and that this somehow means that my entire beingness/existence is invalidated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be seen as an embarrassment within the moment that I find myself unable to formulate a reply -- and within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am the one deciding to be an embarrassment for myself because I am the one who decided and put in place the conditions which make something/someone an 'embarrassment' in my eyes -- and so I've made myself an embarrassment to myself by my own accord

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it has never been ‘about the other’ and ‘how the other might see me’ as I have only ever projected my own beliefs/ideas/fears/perceptions/opinions upon myself within any given circumstance and so it is all about me and how I have to deconstruct my own thought / belief patterns and purify my vocabulary to be able to free myself from my own prison as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘not being able to respond’ / ‘substantiate your claim’ as ‘being weak’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a chain between ‘not being able to respond’ / ‘substantiating one’s claim’, the point of ‘weakness’ and ‘embarrassment’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust and rely on the past as memories to direct me and tell me what to do and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submitted myself to believe that the past is bound to be repeated and that I am unable to change myself and my patterns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-create the same memories over and over again through relying on the past as memories for my direction instead of me being here as breath directing myself within every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between ‘not being able to respond to someone’ and ‘weakness/embarrassment’ within and through memory where as a small child someone got really angry at me for something I did/said where I went into a complete mode of petrification and did not know how to respond to what was being said and where I peed my pants because of the amount of fear I was experiencing and not knowing how to deal with the situation

Will walk the specific memory which opened up within my next blog

Day 11: Anxiety and Me - Part 1

I've had this thing for years now where whenever I experience coldness around me -- I go into an experience of anxiety. And it gets triggered just like that. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or where I'm at, the moment it's cold this anxiety generator inside me just switches on and starts rumbling. And it's really annoying. I've done Self-Forgiveness on this point each time winter comes around, as then it's shoved in my face every day. So here I go again.

I believe the connection between "coldness" and "anxiety" was created at some point during either my last or second last year of high school. We had a very cold winter I just hated having to walk through the cold to the train station and then sitting their in the cold waiting for the train to come, with only the smoke of a cigarette giving me some comfort of warmth. I think it was my last year of high school as at that stage I had a lot of projects going on and we had a lot of verbal assignments -- and I really hated those lol. So then in the mornings just before school I'd sit in the cold shivering, but also shivering at the same time from anxiety. At that time things weren't running very smoothly at home as well, and then when I would be going back home from school, I would also experience anxiety as I didn't know what to expect when getting home. So it was just cold, cold, cold -- anxiety, anxiety, anxiety.

The cigarette smoking also didn't help, from the perspective that I wasn't smoking and being here -- using the smoking as a form of self-support to ground myself -- but instead used it as a distraction and suppress what I was experiencing which only further integrated the point into my physical even further.

And basically since then, each time it's cold I go into anxiety.
What a fuck up.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the coming moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in anxiety of what may (and thus also may not) be coming next

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to be in control of the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear not being in control of the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to be in control of how I experience myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by wanting to be in control of the future in order to be in control of what and how I experience myself -- I am confirming my position as a slave to my environment, where I am doomed to react to whatever inputs received from my surroundings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself in a position where I am a slave to my environment, in terms of events occuring and me being doomed to react to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate reaction within myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by anticipating reaction in the future, I am in fact scripting reaction into my own future as a self-fulfilling prophecy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of reacting within fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that through fearing my own fear, all I am doing in fact is fearing myself, as I am the source of fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I am the source of fear, I can direct the fear as it is implied that I am the creator of the fear which I fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to direct myself as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my environment to provide me with a specific input to stop my fear -- again confirming my slave status -- instead of moving and directing myself to stop my own fear, to in essence: stop myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have the power to direct myself as how I experience myself within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no way that I can direct my inner-experience, and that I must thus resort to trying to control my environment in order to manage my inner experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to manage my experience indirectly, through manipulating my environment so that it would send me the right signals telling me it's okay to stop fearing now

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to DIRECTLY change my experience within myself


I commit myself to get to the bottom of this anxiety construct so that I do not longer place myself in a position where I experience myself as a pinball, being thrown around upside down and side to side, where lots of buttons get pushed and lights go on as a result of reactions and conditioning

I commit myself to forgive myself in order to release myself and let go of this anxiety construct as it is in no way necessary to hold on to such a point

I commit myself to stop worrying about the future within the realisation that the only room for direction exists HERE and that worrying about the future only results in me having an unpleasant experience

I commit myself to ground myself whenever I experience anxiety and to no longer just "go with it" as if it has become a normal experience of "Oh yes, it's cold -- here comes the anxiety, let's just hope it gets warm soon so I don't have to be bothered with this"

I commit myself to take responsibility for what I experience inside myself and to no longer expect my environment to sort me out -- only I can sort myself out

I commit myself to not suppress any experiences such as feelings and emotions but to address them as they come up in and to not allow them to accumulate over time, allowing the problem to only get worse and worse -- within the knowledge that this point has to be faced some day so I might as well make that day TODAY

I commit myself to release myself from the chains of fear and anxiety as self-imposed limitation and explore what is possible when one is no longer caged in fear

I commit myself to the 7 Years Process to Life to assist and support myself in deconstructing redundant and self-destructive programming and replace it with a script which serves in support for what is Best for All Life

Day 9: Fear of War

In Belgium as a child, you get taught about the first and Second World War from a very early age. The teachers would talk about it, get you to memorize dates and maps, watch documentaries loaded with images of war and read books from people written on war, during the war.

I absolutely hated anything in relation to war because it scared the shit out of me. I could not understand when watching the images on the TV screen and reading the books how things could turn out so bad and wicked among human beings. I didn't want to see it and I didn't want to have anything to do with it.

Later during my life as a teenager I had created an immense resistance to watching war related movies and documentaries.  If I could avoid them, I did.

I did not want to imagine what those people had to live through, living in anxiety every single moment - day in and day out. Being physically deprived of food and sleep, being mentally alert and having a fright with each and every single noise.

A week or so ago I pushed myself to watch War Horse and place myself in the uncomfortable position of seeing images of war. I had to cry several times because the whole war thing is just so absolutely damn stupid.

I then also forced myself to listen to the EQAFE Life Review interview of "A Woman of War" and had a knot of anxiety in my stomach the whole time.

I remembered how the one time in high-school my religion teacher was talking about war and pointed out how everyone sitting in the classroom took war for granted, thinking that Wars were something of the past and that we would not have to deal with a war in our lifetime. He then pointed out that never a hundred years would go by without a war -- and that it was thus more likely than unlikely that we would face a war within our lifetime. This left me feeling sick for the rest of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear war

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death, pain and destruction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing people die around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying of a painful death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to the atrocity of war with avoidance

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I do not like war, that avoiding the issue is not going to make a change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a world where teachers teach children about war and instil fear of war within the through images and literature -- without explaining WHY war exists within this world and what we can do to stop it.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have responded to the animosity of war to finding practical solutions to stopping war and making sure that no-one would ever have to live through a war ever again

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that fearing my own fear is not going to solve anything

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have investigated why war exists and why humans do crazy ass stupid shit like killing and bombing one another when we're all just earthlings sharing the same home called EARTH

I forgive myself that I have instead accepted and allowed myself to see and accept war as part of human nature and something that I should try to avoid at all cost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child have made up war scenarios within my mind and plan out what I would do in different situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spent my time being occupied with what to do during wartime instead of spending my time ensuring that no more wars exist


I commit myself to the reformation of education where subjects are taught from a common sense perspective and not just for the sake of teaching history without practically explaining the mental instability that has to be existent within the human for having committed all these crime to life within waging wars -- I also commit myself within that to not just teach history from a starting point of heritage but to also look at and consider practical solution so we may actually LEARN something and so we can correct ourselves instead of learning how to fear the future due to our fuck-ups in the past

I commit myself to expose the atrocities of war which can be in no way justifiable

I commit myself to expose that that which we call "human nature" has in fact become an insult to life

I commit myself to the establishment of a World System where NO MORE WARS are waged

I commit myself to the re-education of the human being so it may sort out its mental instability as inner wars so that we do not have to live through outer wars

I commit myself to changing the current World System of Abuse and Insanity to one that Supports Life and is seated within Common Sense based on the principle of what is Best for All Life

I commit myself to change the Current World Economic System of Inequality to one of Equality for All so that no-one will ever have to go through a war ever again

I commit myself to expose the extensive amount of mental disorder that needs to exist for human beings to make the decision to go and blow one another up

I commit myself to showing that it does not have to be this way and that it is in fact possible to live in World without War

My Family & Desteni

During my entire childhood I had a very bad relationship with my father. I mostly spoke Dutch at home with my mother, brother, sister as well as at school – while my father spoke French and Spanish. I was always very scared of my father, he’d come home angry and frustrated from work and then take it out on us kids. My main experiences towards my father had been fear and anger and I kept my distance.

 Ever since I started participating with the Desteni, I could through the many videos, articles, forum discussion and interviews assist myself with better getting to know myself and understand how my experiences operate. At the same time I also discovered and was able to see why my dad acted the way he did – and that things weren’t as ‘simple’ as I had thought them to be (Eg – “He acts this way because he’s evil”). I could work through my own personal issues towards my father and within that change my attitude and approach in how I participated daily with my father. Once I started changing towards my father, my father started changing towards me.  Our relationship improved a little bit, but not that much.

 Then, after being on the farm for two years, my mom came for a second visit and my dad came with. For the first time in my life I was able to have an actual conversation with my dad. It wasn’t yet a ‘natural’ point but at least it was comfortable. Then a year and a half later (and some moreself-investigation and self-forgiveness later), my parents visited again – and for the first time in my life I was able to have actual fun with my father, have a cool conversation and enjoy each other’s company. It’s like we decided to open up a new chapter and leave the past behind. What had been done, had been done and there was no point holding on to it.

Minority Report – Once you’ve seen the Future, you can change it

I recently watched the movie ‘Minority Report’ with Tom Cruise.

The movie is about a ‘Pre-crime’ unit in the near future (2054), who rely on three “psychics” who are able to see a (murder) crime before it had been committed. The visions they get are placed on high tech screen panels where the detectives of the pre-crime unit try to find clues as to where this crime is going to take place. Once they know where it is they pack themselves with their futuristic gadgets, search robots – get out there and arrest the criminal just before he/she commits the crime.

One of the Detectives (Tom Cruise) then finds out that one of the precogs (= one of the psychics) had a vision of him killing someone that he doesn’t even know. He is now obviously wants to prevent this murder from happening. While he runs from the authorities he tries to uncover why he would want to kill this person. He is also faced with a dilemma. The whole Pre-Crime unit is based on the starting point of pre-determination (= pre-programming). If he is able to prevent the murder then he can clear is name, but then at the same time it would demonstrate that people have “choice”, and thus that ‘Pre-Crime’ is not absolute.

In the end he is just, just able to prevent the murder from happening. As he is standing ready to shoot the guy and all the points are coming together for this single event to happen – one of the precogs he took with on his search, Agatha, tells him “You don’t have to do this, once you’ve your future you can change it”. And then he ends up not killing the guy.

But now in the end of the movie they used this whole point of “choice” as an excuse to shut down the whole pre-crime unit. But the only person who ever had a ‘choice’ from all those who had been spotted as future criminals was Tom Cruise, because he was the only one of them who had seen their own future. All of the other ones, would have still committed the crime because “they didn’t know better”. So now in a way what the movie is implying is that everyone can change their future, but like they demonstrated earlier this is not true. Only those who have seen their future – who in essence have seen their programming – can change their future. So you really only have choice within that one single moment, where you see how you operate and how you are programmed to behave – and then you either decide to follow your pre-programmed path – or you choose to step of it. But unless that point is not present, the point of seeing your future/programming – you do not have a choice and you are simply a slave to your ‘destiny’.

And this is exactly what one of Desteni’s objectives is – to show and teach people how to see their own programming, to see how and what they’re going to do before they’ve even done it – and give them the practical tools to change their fate. Because – what is implied in the statement “Once you’ve seen your future you can change it”? It implies you do not only know your future, but you also know your past. And it is by knowing your past, by knowing the exact factors, events, people, reactions that played a role in moulding and shaping who you are today– that you hold the key to see the future, you hold the key to change your future.
See your Future, check out www.desteni.co.za