Day 239: Experience Living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to my experiences as I perceive and believe that the only way to give myself direction and derive guidelines of ‘who to be’ and ‘what to do’ comes from what I experience inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the only way to have direction and have a guideline is to fall back on my experiences as my compass of positive and negative as what to say yes and no to depending on what I experience as positive or negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that using experience as emotions and feelings and thoughts as the morality construct of right and wrong is the only way to have direction in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if I give up my thoughts, feelings and emotions that I am giving up direction for myself in life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if I give up my thoughts, feelings and emotions that there is ‘nothing else’ and ‘nothing left’ to fall back on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I do not have the capacity of common sense and considering what is best for all and so when the notion comes up of ‘give up all emotions, feelings and thoughts’ I go into a panic -- because I perceive and believe that nothing else exists besides emotions, feelings and thoughts 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a continuous dance of balancing the positive and negative energetic experiences inside myself - constantly compensating one for the other, perceiving and believing that I am 'moving forward' but really I am just stuck in a cycle of infinity, moving between polarities, where even though the 'seasons' change, I have not changed, I only think and perceive I have changed based on the notion that 'there was movement' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that if only I had more positive experiences that 'things would be better' - not seeing and realizing that only the 'experience' is better but that this is not an actual indicator of things for real being and moving better - as both the positive and negative energy are an illusion and not an indicator of reality 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that I am incapable of principled living which then only leaves me with experienced living -- which leaves me as a victim to the dictations of my mind as the positives and negatives I've accumulated and assigned to words throughout my childhood from my family, culture, environment - which is essentially random as it is based on the negatives and positives others had assigned and passed on / shared through various encounters where I have established my own ‘cocktail’ of positives and negatives as ‘MY’ outlook on life encapsulated in positive and negative experiences, not seeing and realizing that it is not MY outlook on life and living but the outlooks I’ve copied and integrated from those around and before me

 

Day 210: Blinded by the Light/Shine of Money

Continuation to:
Day 206: Uncovering the Mysteries of Self: Just Follow the Money!
Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
Day 208: Freedom and Limitation - Two Sides fof the Same Coin

Day 209: Correcting instead of Sidestepping 

When and as I see myself experiencing what I believe to be ‘freedom’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I have defined freedom within energy in the past and thus I commit myself to check whether or not I am coming from an energetic starting point and walk the necessary corrections to correct myself

When and as I see myself experiencing ‘freedom’ in relation to money as a positive energetic charge – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am coming from a polarity construct where I am used to having a negative experience in relation to money or what money will not allow when it is absent – and thus I commit myself to bring myself back here within and as breath, in and as my human physical body and let go of the energetic connection. I see and realize that things are nice when there is money and that things are not nice when there is no money and thus I commit myself to change the way the current money system operates so we can get this sorted once and for all – and to not allow myself to be carried away by positive/negative energies -- so that future generations do not need to go into polarity experiences in relation to money or create psychological disorders around money simply because it is not always there

When and as I see myself experiencing a positive energetic charge upon purchasing something – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that the positive energetic experience I am having is a delusion based on a money system of inherent negativity as limitation and unnecessary suffering – I see and realize that by falling into the trap of ‘experiencing money positively’ I am in fact glorifying a genocide machine which cares only for itself. Thus I commit myself to breathe and ground myself into and as my human physical body and remind myself of what needs to be done/walked in order to change the money system/world system that is in fact Best for All as the only “Positive” way Money can ever exist

When and as I see myself accumulating / building up a desire to buy something, and where this desire grows stronger over time – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am attempting to balance out an opposite polarity experience and thus I commit myself to investigate where this ‘desire’ all of a sudden comes from and to address the point of negativity to assist and support myself in remaining here, stable

When and as I see myself being angry at my parents / blaming them / complaining about how they treated me/us (the children) with money – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that they have never had practical support in relation to money and parenting as such assistance and support has never existed for anyone, where they merely did ‘what they thought was right’/’would yield the best result’ for them/us/the finances and so I commit myself to forgive and let go and to walk as an example

Related articles

• Day 209: Correcting instead of Sidestepping
• Day 208: Freedom and Limitation - Two Sides fof the Same Coin
• Day 206: Uncovering the Mysteries of Self: Just Follow the Money!
• Day 207: Buying Power and the Idea of Freedom
• Day 373: The Sanctity of the Mind
• DAY 380: Capitalism is just another Word for Casino

Day 192: Giving up on Myself - Happiness Drone (Part 3)

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome 
Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2)

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the ease of my life was only possible by someone else compensating/making up for it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been completely ignorant in relation to my reality and what was behind my reality to make it possible for me to live the life I had

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had the right to only ever to do 'what I want' without seeing and realising that if this would have been a universal principle we'd all be dead right now because some things simply need to be done to make life possible whether I /we want to do it or not

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that one can only do 'what I want' if one has money -- where if you have money and others don’t you have leverage to get people to do the things you want them to do to get what you want in life -- where this is only possible if others stand in service/bondage to you through money -- where we end up in a world where a few have a lot of money and everyone else's life is in service for those few to live their dream while sacrificing their life and any form of dignity in the process

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to ever look at the things I had in life and ask myself 'where do they come from', 'who made them', 'how did it get here', 'what resources was used to make this'-- where within not asking these basic questions I was indicating that I don't care who made it and how it got here, how this may have affected other people/the earth and that all I care about is that I have it and can use it as I please so that I can have 'my happiness'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become a happiness drone where all I care about is experiencing some energy/vibe that 'makes me feel good and will fight, reject and avoid anything that may threaten MY happiness, not caring how this attitude may in turn affect other's people's happiness because I just don't care

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be cared for yet not wanting to return this service to others / care for others

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within not caring for others I am tacitly giving permission to others to not care for me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that being cared for but not caring for others comes at a cost

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I was at the other side of the coin in conditions of hardship, I would want someone to care about me and my situation

Related articles

• Day 311: The Secret to Self-Realisation
• Day 310: The Children of the Law of One (Part Three)

Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 155: Introduction – Starving Myself
Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1
Day 158: Generating an Eating Disorder - The Power of Images - Part 2
Day 159: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Writing – Part 3
Day 160: Eating Disorders and Contradictions
Day 161: Become an Image and be Treated as an Image
Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
Day 163: Mistaking Obsession for Passion
Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance
Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection 
Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia

Day 167: The Big Fall 

Day 168: Always Just out of Reach 

Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me

Whenever I would go through a 'rough patch', I'd be bouncing around between starving myself and binging. I would get to a point where I was frustrated with myself and wanting to give up / get over with it -- upon which I would start binging.

I saw the binging as a point of 'stopping' the ED, where I believed that eating lots of food was the 'good' and 'right thing to do' in comparison and in contrast to starving/depriving myself -- while it was actually still a continuance and outflow of the same point.

Since I'd find myself in a bad spot, where I felt like a failure - I would go 'fine, whatever!' and go for whatever junk food was closest and stuff myself. But how I actually experienced myself and the binge eating was still a statement of failure, where I went from one side of being a failure / not good enough to starving myself to 'better myself' to the other side of eating lots and mostly lots of crap food as a point of 'I'm a mess / failure anyway so I might as well screw myself over with lots of shitty food -- I'm a screw up anyway, screwing myself over this little bit more is not going to make much of a difference'. So then that's how I would justify going into binge eating.

Then after I was done, I would feel bad, ashamed and guilty. I'd access a point of wanting to 'undo' what I just had done, so there puking became a point of 'going back in time' and correcting my mistake. So then I'd puke.

But even though the puking removes the food from your stomach, it doesn't remove the actual reason/motivation or the 'why' as to why I had stuffed myself in the first place -- which was in essence a point of self-disappointment and self-hatred.

All I cared about was getting rid of the guilt and now of course I also had to prove myself so then I'd go right back to strictly starving myself - back to the other side of the polarity.

I mean, the way I experienced myself within stuffing myself with crap food and knowing its not good for my body was the same way I'd experience myself when downing alcohol or doing drugs, where there was a point of wanting to obliterate myself.

So then when I eventually 'stopped' starving myself and believed myself to have gone 'back to normal' (not that I ever had a 'normal' relationship with food), I actually took on more of a binging pattern within myself and would 'spoil' myself a lot so to speak, eating lots of shitty food -- and then I would justify it with 'well, I'm eating aren't I?'. Like, even though I knew something was off about my eating pattern, I'd make it sound 'alright' because it was not 'not eating', as if the 'not eating' was the only thing that the ED had consisted of - while it hadn't, both points had gone hand in hand.

No-one also questioned this behaviour, and I was getting chubby -- but this was then considered 'healthy' as opposed to being skinny, and eating lots was encouraged and met by a smile on my mother's face, being happy that I was apparently 'out of it'.

Related articles

• Day 167: The Big Fall
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
• Day 278: Binge, Bulimia and Desteni
• Day 168: Always Just out of Reach
• Day 156: Wanting Passion and Purpose in Life
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1

Day 73: What do I feel like doing?

This blog is related to:
Day 61:  Self-Disappointment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within moments where I require direction in terms of what to do next – to look inside myself and see ‘how I am feeling’, where I will assess how I feel and accordingly determine/choose what to do next, based on the particular mood as energy I find myself within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within moments where I require direction and need to decide what to do next – to look inside myself in terms of ‘how I feel’ and ‘what I feel like doing’ – where I will accept and allow my mood as energy to determine what to do and what not to do next – without practically looking at what needs to be done and what can be done with the time/space that I have available

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on energy as positive and negative experiences to tell me / dictate what to do, where I immediately, automatically look inside myself and how I experience myself to tell me what to do next

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this form of decision making constitutes a problem as I am accepting and allowing my actions to be completely random, based on whatever emotion/feeling I happen to be experiencing within that moment – which renders me completely untrustworthy to make decisions which are Best for All, as I will accept and allow energy as positive/negative experiences to get the better of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within moments where I require direction in what to do next, and look inside myself and my inner-experience as a guide/compass to ‘steer’ me in the right direction, act upon this experience as positive/negative where I know that I shouldn’t as I’ve seen and realised that if I make decisions based on energy that I am merely further integrating and permeating this particular energy within and as me and making it harder for myself to snap out of a particular state of mind / mood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions based on energy even though I know that I am compromising myself within doing this, and knowing that I will regret what I am doing – all for the sake of the ‘feel good’ experience of going along with energy within telling me what to do

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be true to myself within seeing and realising that what I am doing as basing my decision/direction upon energy and afterwards being disappointed with myself/ regretting it -- is not serving me in any way whatsoever but only further adding layers self-disappointment unto myself where I then later go and act upon that experience as energy where I will even further go an follow emotions/feelings to tell me what to do within the attempt to ‘get rid’ of my self-disappointment without ever looking at the root cause of my experience of self-disappointment within deliberate self dishonesty

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have made the decision to commit myself to myself within being true to myself and not allowing myself to participate in behavioural patterns which I know do not serve me, but to stick with what I see and realise needs to be done and then act accordingly without allowing myself to be tempted/persuaded by energy to steer me down the rabbit hole

When and as I see myself in moments where I require direction about what to do next and go into an automated movement of wanting to look inside myself to check how I am feeling as energy to see what to do next – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that within basing my decisions upon energy I am not moving myself within the consideration of what needs to be done within the limited time available – where I instead go and follow energy and waste my time and afterwards feel bad / disappointed because I actually wanted to get something else done but didn’t do it simply because in that moment I “didn’t feel like it” And so I commit myself to within those moments catch myself and redirect my focus from going inwards into energy to grounding myself here as my human physical body and to practically look at what needs to be done within the time I have available and direct myself accordingly

When and as I see myself going into a movement of ‘looking inside myself’ within wanting to assess the energy state I am in as either positive or negative experience, to tell me what to do next – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is the first step down the rabbit hole where I go and access energy to tell me what to do and so I commit myself to stop right and bring myself here within and as breath and direct myself within practical common sense

When and as I see myself reaching inside in terms of assessing my mood to tell me / determine what to do next – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise where this pattern takes me and that I do not want to end up in self-disappointment, and so I commit myself to stop right there, breathe, have a look at what needs to be done and then move myself to do it regardless of what I am experiencing and I commit myself to identify the particular state of mind / mood I find myself in and investigate the nature/origin of this experience so that I can assist myself in releasing myself from this pattern which only serves to create an opinionated illusion about reality

When and as I see myself requiring to make a decision about what to do next, and look inside myself to see what my energy wants me to do, where I am about to make a decision about based on energy even though I know I shouldn’t – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is the perfect opportunity to NOT make a decision based upon energy which I am so clearly demonstrating to myself within KNOWING that I shouldn’t and so I commit myself to move from a KNOWING to a DOING within practically moving and disciplining myself to not participate/engage within the particular energy experience and instead look at what needs to be done and do it

I commit myself to myself within being true to myself and not allowing myself to participate in behavioural patterns which I know do not serve me, but to stick with what I see and realise needs to be done and then act accordingly without allowing myself to be tempted/persuaded by energy to steer me down the rabbit hole

Related articles

• Day 61: Self-Disappointment
• Day 64: Holding on to Myself
• Day 72: I Can't do This!
• Day 71: Fear of Others as Myself - Part 2
• Day 63: Keeping the Wheels Turning
• Day 108: Control and Self Control Character Self forgiveness statements continued...
• Day 23: Decisions
• Day 130: Abraham Hicks - Life is supposed to be fun Self Forgiveness statements.