Day 191: Giving up on Myself - My Life is so Rough (Part 2)

This blog is a continuation to:

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome - See more at: http://ylaww.blogspot.com/#sthash.7NZ6qAAj.dpuf

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a 'rough life' and that doing something which would benefit others besides myself was considered to just be 'too much'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a 'rough life'-- not seeing and realising that this 'roughness' was only ever relevant in terms of my mind experience of my life -- and had in no way to do with any form of 'physical roughness'- as I had everything in my life (and more) which I required to support myself physically

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that mental roughness does not count as it is self-created and can at any time be terminated and is thus no valid reason/excuse/justification to not do something physical which actually supports physical living on this planet

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I had no right to say 'no' and 'let someone else do it' -- as I was in a position where I could do things to improve practical living, even if it was just in the home environment -- but where I accepted and allowed ideas about 'my life' which were not real to hold me back from doing something real and tangible which would actually have an actual effect in improving things in my environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I had a rough life while everything was taken care of, where I had a home, food, and support from my parents to ensure that I would be able to stand in the world and were quite generous in the freedom they permitted to me in 'doing my own thing' and what directions I wanted to take in life and then did not want to contribute in the home environment to make things more nice to live in terms of cleanliness and alleviating work from others because I was too busy in my mind thinking of how things weren't going my way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have huffed and puffed whenever my mom would ask me to help out with something, where I believed it was 'my right' to just lay in the couch and watch tv -- not seeing and realising that this luxury was only possible to exist within others actually having a rough life where these products came about from assembly lines with people having horrible jobs with little pay and did not have the privilege of saying 'no' and 'let someone else do it' as this would jeopardize their and their family's security -- just so a few can make a good buck in selling these products cheaply for others who believe they have a rough life and want a 'piece of happiness'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that for certain things to be possible like the ease of taking a clean cup from the cupboard -- certain conditions and steps require to be in place for that cup to be clean and be in its spot -- where someone had to clean the cup and put it there for me to be able to 'just take it' and use it and where I enjoyed this option but did not care/bother to make it happen the same for others and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want everything 'free' in life -- where I want to be able to just take the cup and use it with no consequence, 'free of charge' so to speak, where once there is effort/'charge' involved, I'm no longer interested because now I have to 'do stuff' and now 'just taking the cup out of the cupboard' is not so nice anymore because I have to actually be part of the cleaning and putting away process so then I rather not use the cup at all or come up with some excuse that will allow me to keep getting it 'for free'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken my life and what I had/have and the people in my life for granted -- where I did not take into consideration that someone had to build the couch and the tv, that someone had to work to be able to pay for the couch and the tv, and where I had no respect for the end result or the people involved in the process of making the couch/tv accessible to me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if everyone just wants to do nothing but at the same time wants everything from life -- that these two stand points are simply not compatible, because having things in life like food, a home and luxury products requires of someone to make it, to put effort into it -- and thus if I want those things I must make myself equally available to others so they can have the same -- which I didn't because all I cared about was myself and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have only ever lived within and as self interest

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that i had not yet experienced actual roughness in life but only ever experienced my idea of it -- where I rather indulged in an experience of 'oh no, its too much' while comfortably being zoned out on the couch while others on this planet have no such choice and have to bear harsh physical conditions just to make it another day and would be happy to give up everything to be able to live my life and have barely any responsibilities to take care of in life

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome - See more at: http://ylaww.blogspot.com/#sthash.7NZ6qAAj.dpuf

Day 190: Giving up on Myself - The Spoiled Brat Syndrome - See more at: http://ylaww.blogspot.com/#sthash.7NZ6qAAj.dpuf

Vocabulary is the Key to Self-Expansion

I always thought that Economy was boring and that I just had to stay away from it.

In my first year of High School there wasn’t much choice in terms of what you could study. The main course most of the students would go for had economy – I did Latin. I heard that Economy was stupid, boring and that it had math.

In general I had already created the idea that everything money related ‘out there in the world’ – was very complicated and boring. Mainly because whenever I had gotten into contact with it, I simply did not understand it. So my main reaction was: just stay away from it.

In later years I never went on a pursuit to understand our economic system or how our world operates, I had closed that door with my judgments.

Only later as I got involved with Desteni and the Equal Money Proposal, it got to me that I do not have any clue of how or money system works and how the world operates.
Yes I could see that something was wrong as I could observe poverty on the news, homeless people in the city. But I had no actual idea of how these manifestations came about. I saw them as one of the many ‘facts of life’ which I did not question at all.

So when Desteni came up with the Equal Money point, I got a bit grumpy because now I had to go and investigate money. I saw myself as very ‘money illiterate’ – I had only recently gotten my own bank account and bank card which I only has used like once lol. Throughout my life I was always taken care of by my parents and received some pocket money that was mine to spend.

I thought of myself as being incapable of researching a point like this and whenever I made an attempt I could not understand what was being discussed because the terms they used was not part of my vocabulary. I simply gave up.

We fast forward a bit more.

I am now living at the Desteni Farm and all the girls have decided to study at University.

It was kind of tacitly agreed upon that all of us were going to study psychology. Then when registration came closer I asked myself “Is this really what I want to study?”. I went to the university’s website and checked out what other curriculum they offered. One of them caught my eye. It was a study in Politics, Philosophy and Economy. Politics and Economy were very unknown to me but I could see the importance of Politics and Economy within the context of establishing World Equality and an Equal Money System. I had gotten Philosophy in High School and Gabriel, my elder brother had studied philosophy at University and I was always enjoyed what he had to share about what he had learnt over the weekend.

I had already read quite a bit on Psychology and whenever I had gotten Religion in high school it was more psychology than anything else.

I also figured that just because I had allowed myself to see myself as ‘not an economy person’ - that this should not hold me back. I saw that money was important to research so I willed myself to be interested in it lol.

From that perspective this course seemed quite challenging and it was something ‘new’. The description for the study said that it would equip the student with critical thinking skills within the area of politics and economy and work towards identifying problems and providing solutions. This seemed perfect for me in relation to the establishment of an Equal Money System.

I discussed this with Maite (my sister) and she said she was actually also not much interested in Psychology and seemed happy that I had found this other course. So we ended up both registering for this one instead.
Whereas I had previously always loved philosophy, it was an absolute pain in the*ss. The module was one big mess that made no (common) sense at all and I realized how delusional I had been in the past towards philosophy. Politics and Economy on the other hand are the subjects that I’ve enjoyed the most!

I am very glad that I decided to push through my resistance of getting to know our money system better. In a short period of time I’ve enabled myself to grasp and process such much more within my world.

Even now I can see how when I was small I got scared looking at certain things just because I didn’t understand, I did not have the vocabulary to grasp what was going on.

I remember very clearly for instance, that when I was still a toddler in school (and all we did was play all the long) we had to go into a classroom of the kids that were6-7 years old. I was standing in front and started looking at one of the books that was lying open on one of the kid’s desk. It had some weird figures on it and number and I went “WTF whas that!” inside myself. I looked at the kids whose book it was and he had a very sad face. I went into anxiety as I was thinking about how one day I will be sitting in that kid’s position having that book open in front of me and having to understand it.

Later when the moment came and I was that kid – we got to the particular page in the book that I had seen a few years back and the figure and numbers were completely clear to me! I thought it was very funny that I had been so scared, as it was just a matter of learning new words (and figures) to be able to understand what was going on. Then throughout primary school I was scared of high school because what I had seen my brother and sister study was completely unknown to me. Again when I got there myself it all made sense.

Then throughout high school I feared university and now that I’m at university I see that there’s nothing to be scared about lol (again).

In essence – the difficulty level of primary school, high school and university = are exactly the same. The only thing that changes is vocabulary. Anyone can learn anything as long as you learn all the words, it’s really just that simple.