This blog is a continuation to:
Day 109: Stop Crying! Everyone's watching You!
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to believe that crying is weak,
shameful and should not be done in public where other people can see you -- because then they will think badly of you
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my
parents in whatever they say -- within the sheer blind trust that they
know still world better than I do, and so are fit to instruct me in 'the
ways of the world' and that I need to know things like 'crying is weak,
shameful and not done in public'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when my
mother
said to stop crying 'because everyone's watching you', to have stopped
and looked around and saw that at least one of the people on the street
met my eyes, and went "shit, maybe she's right"
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have seen
and realised that it happens often tha tif you walk on the street and
there are other people that your eyes will meet and that this does not
have to mean anything in terms of "people are looking at you crying,
better stop because they are
thinking badly of you, you should be ashamed"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection within my
mind between the act of crying and 'weak', 'shameful' and 'not in public'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated each
time
my mother would pull the "Stop crying because everyone's watching you
card", because I knew it didn't make sense but it made me feel bad and
so I would stop crying / making a scene
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have associated a negativ
energy
charge to the point of crying, where my mother was able to use this
against me to make me stop, as the moment she would point out that I am
crying and should stop because everyone's watching me, I would
immediately be infused with a sense of shame and weakness, and then
follow my mom to our destination in defeat
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been
angry at my mother for using my
emotions against me, without
seeing and realising that this could only be done through my permission within
allowing emotion and
feelings to roam
free within me with no direction
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created
a habit of hiding when crying or suppressing my tears, where I believe
it is weak to cry in front of other people and that they will believe
that I am weak and think bad things about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have
accepted my mother's argument as valid simply because she used to
concept of 'people will think badly of you' and so I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'people might think
badly of you' is a
good reason as to why one should refrain from doing something
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that
doing anything where other people may think badly of you is a 'no no'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as my mother have used negative and
positive reinforcement to get the
child
to behave the way I want it to behave -- where the child was crying /
making a scene / throwing a tantrum and there were people on the street
looking at us and what we were doing, where I wanted this to stop as
soon as possible because I do not want people to think that I am a bad
mother that makes a child cry, and so
in fear I took
refuge
in using negative reinforcement and said "Stop crying! Don't you know
everyone's looking at YOU" -- where I knew this would create an instant
bad feeling within the child and make it stop doing what it is doing,
where I used my own fear as fear of people thinking badly of me and
re-directed it to the child to get it to behave how I want -- without
for a moment considering how such an action and words may affect the
child long term
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created
a world where neither parent nor child have freaking clue of WHAT IS
GOING ON within the world and INSIDE ONESELF -- where the child is just
groping around and trying to make sense of the world, trusting the
parent -- and where the parent has by now realised that the world does
not make sense and kind of sucks but behaves in a way as if it knows how
things work to present an illusion of 'authority' while all the while
both are equally clueless -- with no support structure in place in the
world anywhere, in any way whatsoever about effective parenting
