Self Forgiveness using dictionary

HAha, so at one point I was using the dictionary for self forgiveness. I would read the words and if any reactions popped up : self forgiveness.
I told myself i would do one word atleast everyday but hehehe, as you can see : nope didn't do that
That was at end of january, I think at the time that we were at seaside and Ann came haha.

Ok, I first go pee and then do SF with dictionary - brb

Ok back

Now I realised I have to do self forgiveness on something else first.... That Benny LAva song LOL.

Yes, it has been playing in my head almost non stop since that bitchy Ann gave me the link hehe (you know I love you Ann hehe).

So.
I decided it has to go cause it's driving me crazy!!!! hear "lalalalanananan Benny Lava! Have you been hight tooodaaaayaaayayayayay" shit the whole fukcing time. So , yes, sorry Benny Lava, you got to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let this Benny Lava song play in my head non stop for the past few hours that I've been awake and those hours before I went to sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall asleep with the Benny Lava song.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to clear myself effectivly from the day that is gone - so I can fall asleep clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wander off in my mind and start repeating past events conversations and start picking my skin to then suddenly "wake up" and come back HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wander off in the mind and start picking my skin again right after I've just done Self forgiveness on it!

Leila you are incredible lol

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to put my self forgiveness in immediate application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the Benny Lava song as catchy and that I can't do anything about it - so i just let it run into my head.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realise that if I can stop a thought I can stop a song from playing non stop in my head.

STOP

I do not accept and allow this Benny Lava song to be stuck in my head!

:)


ok dictionarry, last word I did waaaaas aandacht = attention hehe

reading words ... an YES : reaction on the word (drum sounds) ........... : aandenken = souvenirs

SOUVENIRS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy or take souvenirs from places where I enjoyed myself so I can later look at it, take it in my hans and have happy thoughts about it - to live some more in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allwoed myself to want to buy souvenirs when on holidays, so I wouldn't forget the holidya and have something from there, here at home

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be here as the breath of every moment while doing self forgiveness.

ok - Im going to eat, byebye

ok back mm paella and chocomousse hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

right

SOUVENIRS

I forive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy souvenirs and define them as e 3D memory, a presentation of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy stuff so I can give it "emotional value" and so I can fear losing it HA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my souvenirs.

souvenirs in french means memories so yea

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy or take things from places where an event took place so I can link the object with the past even so I would not forget it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear I am not able to remember all events (at least the nice ones) in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing all of my memory.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value and importance to souvenirs/memories and past events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to take and actually take photographs to "capture the moment" while all I get is this piece of shiny paper with colors and lines on it that present anything BUT the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to capture the moment by taking a photograph while it is all actually in vain as the moment cannot be captured.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to hold on and not let go of happy thoughts and happy memories while the only result I get from this is that I actually DO forge them and that I only remember all the BAD stuff - surprise surprise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to forget bad stuff and actually tell myself : in a few years you will have forgotten about this - and then what happens - I remember as it was yesterday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to push away all the bad memories and thoughts and pull the happy pretty thoughts to me - but all in vain.
Beecaaaause in case you did not know yet Leila, what you RESIST WILL PERSIST.

aah yes, you FORGOT hahaahahahahah hihi

giggly wobble

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the song Souvenirs by Patrick Wolf in my head whenever I see this world.

strange words souvenirs sou venirs sous venir

i look up in etymologic dictionairy ...

Provenç. sovenir ; ital. sovvenire ; du latin subvenire, subvenir, de sub, sous, et venire, venir. Ce sont les langues romanes qui ont donné à ce verbe le sens de venir en mémoire, en le détournant légèrement : subvenit mihi, il me subvient, il subvient en ma mémoire.


yea thats what I thought lol


ok

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy things or take things with me from places so I can attach lots of memories and thoughts to is , so that everytime I see it and take it in my hands - these thoughts memories and all related emotions are generated inside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the energetic charge that some thoughts and memories bring up inside of me - so I buy souvenirs so I can use this souvenir to generate the charge inside me - over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past - believing that if I lose all memory of past - I am no one - I am lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am according to my past and the ability to recall past events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I loose and cannot recall some past events - I lost a piece of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a life and that I am someone because I have the ability to recall past events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I lose all of my memories I would be lost and I would be no one.

I am not my past.

I am not defined by my past.

ok, I go study some more for math. and maybe change this blog lay out, beginning isnt really easy to read when there are flowers all over the place LOL

some more

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous at all the people that are going to SA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I won’t be able to go to SA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I won’t have enough money to go so SA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need, and desire to go to SA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear if I still got my summer vacation job as I haven’t heard from them anymore…

Lolol, ok I’ve just sent them e-mail to check if I’m still in hehe..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that mom won’t let me go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I’m not allowed to go to SA, and I do not want to study, I will have to do a crappy job in order to keep my parents off my back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be stuck in this house with my parents for ever

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that one day eventually me or my parents will die so I won’t be stuck with them here forever.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself that I will get my ass over to SA eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will have more fun in SA then I will have here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me having fun and enjoying me is dependant on places, and thus based on separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a plane though I have no real reason too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking a plane cause it’s something I’ve never done before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear things I have never done before because I fear that I won’t be able to do it as it is my first time lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no room for mis takes in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that mis takes are unacceptable

random

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when doing someone else’s self forgiveness list out loud because I think I should write my own instead of USING theirs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I shouldn’t just do someone else’s SF out loud without returning something to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I’m abusing someone and taking advantage of someone by using their SF lines for myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to feel grateful for the self forgiveness’s of other people that are assisting and supporting them and me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally receive the self forgiveness lines from other people as a gift.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally receive the self forgiveness lines from other people as a gift.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be to lazy to write down my own self forgiveness so I take someone else’s self forgiveness lines and apply them out loud.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing self forgiveness requires “energy” and thus if I am lazy I cannot do this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed, controlled and influenced by laziness instead of pushing through the laziness and apply myself the way I should.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand up to laziness.

Dutch oral exam

I just came back from school. I was first one to go and was surprised about me not stressing LOL.
The exam went great. At one point after a few minutes my teacher says : "Leila, don't you see that what we are doing here is ridiculous?? It's a joke!" I said "Yup" and he then says " I know you got all the insights and you got the feeling and you're great in it! We know you're gonna have a "very good" (we dont get points but a quotation : very weak - weak - unsifficient - sufficient - good - very good). So just let's get this done quickly cause it's bullshit". LOL

so yea

thats what we did hehe

I also said at beginning of exam I did not learn it, only read it. But I that I thought that I would make it work out anyway.

So yea, that was cool.

dutch exam and other things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about my dutch oral exam tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress, fear, be nervous and anxious because I have to go as first one and can’t ask someone else how it went and what he asks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is a valid reason to stress, fear, feel nervous and anxious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to learn Dutch as it is all pointless shit and even if I do not learn it I know I will pass my exam.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that Segers will turn the exam into a “deep” and “sentimental” conversation as he thinks I’m going on the wrong way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the part of the exam where we will do the job interview.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to say to Segers that he can put my resume up to his ass.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect he will have that grin on his face that he always has when he thinks that he just figured me out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that he will try to catch me on saying paradoxes cause he likes paradoxes and always tries to use them against me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I wont be able to act the entire job interview and will go “fuck it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to play the role of someone that wants to apply to job application of cleaning lady.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to pick something else to apply to – pfft, what crappy job is there else to apply to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disgusted by the thought of sitting with segers alone in a room and him trying to be clever all the time – not even listening to what I say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself trying to be clever all the time and not listening to what another has to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I’m going to fuck up the exam as I haven’t learned much.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself that I will be able to pass the exam just by using common sense – because common sense can’t be denied!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will just go blank with every question he asks me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not really wanting to work for atelier after my dutch exam.

How do I know that, is it tomorrow already? Did I finish my exam?? Didn’t think so silly Leila.

We’ll see when the moment comes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise Segers because he thinks emotions are great and make this world a beautiful place to live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not being to stand segers his ignorance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not being able to stand my own ignorance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superior and inferior to segers at the same time. Inferior because he is sooo well ingrained into this system world that his arguments sometimes make me doubt myself, and he doesn’t want to let go of the world as he knows it, and for the same reason I feel superior towards him because I deem him as being an ignorant mother fucker.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise how much issues I have with Segers lolol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so hateful towards Segers for the same reason I would be fond of him before I found Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see segers as myself, but the me being stuck into this world and not wanting to let go of all formed ideas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not being able to have realised all this shit before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not finding Desteni before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I had found Desteni before – things would be much better now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for being to ignorant in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not realising myself earlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should have seen all this much earlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in an illusion for such a long time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare the past to who I am here. The past is the past, let it go.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be angry at myself for my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not realising the simplicity and clarity of common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for being a pre-programmed robot in a system world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself because I lived in ignorance and truly believe myself to have lived in bliss.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to make peace with my past and let it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the past and use the past for the creation of my self definition and image/idea I have about myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for being angry at myself because I did not want to see what Segers was mirroring back to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to see and know what Segers was reflecting back to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer to believe that it all had to do with Segers and nothing with me – but it always comes down to self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not writing this all earlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself cause I was going to do SF on my dutch exam and I got away from the subject LOL
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the flow of my self forgiveness lines.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty that Gabs leaves the room as it is his room and I’m doing SF here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about being in gabs room cause I know he always get grumpy about it and starts to sigh the entire time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let gabriels reaction to me being in his room influence me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I shouldn’t be here and that Gabs should come back to watch his movie here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that gabs is angry at me for being in his room and using his laptop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear by the sound of someone shutting the door.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that dad went into my room – saw the mess and is now furious and wanting to scream and beat the crap out of me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to clean up my room to avoid such possible situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself always cleaning up my from the starting point of fear that my dad will freak out when he sees a messy room.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of me while dad is shouting and hitting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect dad to come up any minute now and be angry with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that dad hates me cause everytime I’m around him he says “mumble mumble me fait chier!”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when dad finds out I want to go to SA far a rather long period of time he will beat the crap out of me and do mad things just to prevent me to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what my dad his reaction might be when he finds out I want to go to SA for a rather long period of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents will just say “NO – you can’t go and that’s it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and expect that I will just lose it if they would give me that reply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will do crazy stuff just to get my ass to SA.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable about people might reading my self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to write this self forgiveness with a note at the back of my head that says “people will read this so watch out what you write”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to present my self forgiveness in a sort of way that people won’t think bad of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to write certain things down because I fear or know people might read it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for fearing that people might read this – it is stupid.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to just write my self forgiveness down as it comes – uncensored – not worrying or thinking about what other people might possibly think about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist posting my self forgiveness on my blog and even more on the forum because I fear that my self forgiveness isn’t “good enough” and won’t assist or support anyone – not even myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting, needing, and desiring the confirmation and validation that my SF is “okay”.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust me in my writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continuously doubt whether I’m being self honest or dishonest instead of just being here and type.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge someone’s SF lines I printed out a long time ago so I could speak them outloud in my room but then apparently when I actually read it carefully they seemed pretty useless and there was no common sense in it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my SF lines are useless and that there is no common sense in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do “self forgiveness pour self forgiveness”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to just stop when I’m bullshitting.

French exam

I have french oral exam in a few hours and I’m sort of stressing
Dunno if its related to the exam but I think it is most likely to.

So

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about my French oral exam
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will total block out in the exam and that I wont be able to get words get out of my mouth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will not be able to explain the book to my teacher properly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail on my exam
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I fail on my exam – I must be a failure
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the quotation that my teacher gives me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce myself to a mere number
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting that the exam goes perfect
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the exam because I am not in control of the situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the questions my teacher might ask because I want to be prepared and have the answer ready
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, needing, wanting, desiring control over the situation
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust my self that I will be alright and that nothing can go wrong – as I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I won’t find the right words in French and then suddenly start talking in English cause that’s what I do sometimes lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what my teacher will think of the words I speak
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I won’t be able to say anything usefull about the article I had to pick to talk about
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I won’t be able to talk about “my li(e)fe” and my “art work”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear she will ask questions to which I do not know the answer
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself I will get bad grades if I don’t know the answer on some of her questions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I won’t be able to express myself properly in French – although I’ve been talking in French out loud in bath this morning and it went pretty well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nervous because I have exam
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be anxious and in fear because I have exam
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when it is exams you SHOULD feel nervous, anxious and stress and fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when you got exams – you stress , you fear, you are anxious and nervous, cause that’s the way it is when you got exams
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being nervous and anxious is part of having exams and that there is nothing you can do about it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is normal to feel anxious and nervous, to stress and to fear when having exams
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this stress, fear, anxiety and nervousness forces me to work hard for the exams
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let emotions and feelings such as stress, fear, nervousness and anxiety direct me instead of ME directing ME as the directive principle
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let emotions and feelings such as stress, fear, nervousness and anxiety control and influence me, let them posses me and do with me whatever they want – instead of me standing up for me, realising myself as self control
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate control from me
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise myself as self control
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, see, perceive that I need to be in control of situations in order for things to be alright
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and realise that I do not need to be in control of my situation, but that if I am just here – stable- as who I am, what can possibly happen?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am in control all will be fine
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to let go of the feel, need , want desire of being in control of situations.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise the ridiculousness of fearing an exam
Lol
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be here during in exam, but instead rush into my mind, and run into the walls of my mind – the limitations I put on to myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in order to succeed in an exam you must be in your mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link exams with being in your mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that learning and making, taking exams, requires participation in the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link school with required to participate in the mind
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I actually escape in the mind while being at school – because the experience of me is that or boring and wanting to be anywhere but HERE
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have more chance to fail on my exam because I go as last and thus the teacher MUST be tired and pissed
Lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that teachers are always tired and pissed on the last person that comes for the exam
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need and require the mind and these feelings emotions such as fear, stress, anxiety and nervousness in order to prepare me for the exam
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the mind as feelings and emotions such fear, stress, nervousness and anxiety actually prepare me somehow LOLI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not in control of my mind as feelings and emotions such as fear, stress, nervousness and anxiety.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the mind as feelings and emotions such as fear, stress, nervousness anxiety are something Bigger and Greater and More than me , they rule me – I cannot to anything about it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior to my mind as feelings and emotions such a stress, fear, nervousness, anxiety, that these are superior
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that I am one and equal to my mind as feelings and emotions such as fear, stress, nervousness and anxiety – thus I can direct them as me – because I am one and equal to them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the mind as feelings and emotions such as fear, stress, nervousness and anxiety.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that one I am in school – it is the rule of the mind and I cannot possible be here – as I participate in the school system
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that once I’m at school – these SF lines turn out to be useless and I will be swallowed by my mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect to a certain extent that me doing SF will turn out to be useless
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations about my SF lines and thus not doing it unconditionally
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations about my SF
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to apply myself as self forgiveness – unconditionally
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace the nature of me as what I have become – take responsibility, direct it from here and let go
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise that the mind as feelings and emotions such as fear, stress, anxiety and nervousness – cannot possibly harm me – unless I let them
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace my mind as feelings and emotions such as fear, stress, nervousness and anxiety.
It is what I have accepted and allow – after all


LOL, normally I would drink alcohol and then I wouldn’t stress, but yeah, that’s not an option hehe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to suppress my feelings and emotion such as fear and anxiety so I can be somewhat stable and confident when I do my exam
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate confidence and stability from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can only be “stable” and confident after I drank alcohol or took drugs
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realise myself as self confidence and stability

So, my solar plexus has been calming down which is cool
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be limited by the mind as feelings and emotions such as fear, nervousness, stress and anxiety
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept this exam as a chance and opportunity for me to observe the experience of me and to see how I direct and move me within this experience of me



Damn this was cool to do

Hehe

An unexpected Letter

Today I came home from school after doing my exams (they went pretty well). I sit on train with some girl from school and afterwards in Zaventem I see gabs walking on the platform. I run to him and say hi. LOL

Then we walk home and as we open door Maite is standing there with the mail and she hands me over a letter. I was like "huh, a letter for me, who the hell could that be". So I look at the handwriting and think "Huh!! E. sent me a letter? If she has something to say to me why doesn't she send me a message on my cellphone or call me or say it on msn or ask to meet up?? And why the hell would she send me a letter by mail when she lives only two streets away!?"

So hehe, it wasn't from E. the letter. Lol, only now I recorgnized they both have same handwriting haha. It was from Ine... Pfft, I was like "oh fuck she send me a letter, didn't expect that one! Grrmblz, now I will have to answer it and shit like that". Haha, me coming home all happy, did good exams, get home and get this letter I would rather want to ignore. Going "stupid letter, fucking up my day" lolol

Soooo, basically last time I saw Ine was around time it was my birthday and I discovered Desteni... She payed me a concert for my birthday and it was actually cool concert. I did not know the music but had fun. While being at her place in Ghent (where she studies) I felt all awkward. I had just found Desteni and was a bit confused. Here I was with this friend that I knew that our friendship was probably based on a lot of dishonest crap. I haven't seen her since then. I kinda let her know that I was probably never going to see her again, and that I had plans to go abroad, but all very vague. She kinda took it as a joke I think cause she considered us being "good friends" and that I wouldn't just drop our friendship hehe...

There is this music forum where we both posted a lot (me not anymore) and I went to check there like 3-4 months ago and I read a post she did about she being sick by vaccines, so I asked "oh why did you need those vaccines" then later I go check (I kinda forgot that I posted it) and she replied "well look who's there, it is Leila-I'm-never-going-to-see-you-again blablabla thing"
So I was like ok whatever I'll just drop it. Then a few months later I cleaned up my MSN list and I basically deleted everyone that I did not talk to on MSN and I deleted her as well cause I was like "ok I don't talk to her on msn and when we do we have nothing to say really so I just delete her" and thats what I did. Now that was looooong time ago.

And I did not expect to hear from her again. I thought she was angry at me for not letting her know how I was and stuff like that. But now I got this letter. Well, yes she IS angry for me suddenly dissapearing out of her life. She started the letter with "Leila! Damnit!!!"
lol.
And then she wrote like how she thought she would only stop seeing me after summervacation and stuff like that but that she hadnt heard from me at all. Pfffft.
So she asks for some sign of life lololol.

Then she starts to say how she fell in love and how pretty he is and blablabla and she starts to talk about gossip shit and tries to seduce me, so she doesn't really say the gossip and then says "so if you want to know about it you better call me, talk to me, write me" But I'm like uuhm, I don't care?

Then she says she hasn't really got much to say, asks again to contact her, cus she REALLY misses me.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooo

I'm like fuuuuuuuuuuuck

what will I write
will I meet
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeurk

Hmm I feel like writing how I met her.

Ok here it goes :

wait, I roll cigarette first lol.

ok, rolled and lighted lol

So one day I go with E. to a concert in Brussels at the Botanique, place where we usually go for concerts. We see concert we go home blablabla. Then some days later I join the forum of the band that we saw. And then I see there is a girl fom Belgium that was there at the concert as well. So we started to exchange PM's about that concert and the band and music in general.
She immediatly declares that she wants to be my friend and that she wants to go to London with me (I was like WTF this girl is crazy). Anyway, we keep on exchanging PM's and we exchange mail adresses so we can chat on MSN. At one point she sends me a PM where she says that we should really meet irl and if we didn't we would throw away a great opportunity of becoming great friends. LOL

So I was like, hmm cool ok, I will meet her , sounds like fun. So I gave her my cellphone number and we agreed to meet in Bruges. She lives near Bruges and she isn't allowed by her mommy to come over to Brussels because apparently Brussels is very dangerous and she didn't want her little girl to go to such a dangerous city. I was ok ok, I come to Bruges. So I took train to Brussels (which was about 10 to 15 min) and then took train to Bruges (which was about one hour one hour and a half). I was pretty nervous but I was glad that I got over my fear of meeting new "strange" people. So I arrived, I text messaged her that I was there, and she said I'm at the income hall outside. I knew she was very very small tiny person and she knew I was tall LOL. So I was there and I saw this little girl listening to her iPod on a bench, looking around to all these people, trying to find someone. So I come up to her and say HI, give her a kiss on the cheeck. So thats when the nervousness was at its top lol. I ask her where are we going, and she says I will give you a little tour in Bruges (as it was my first time in that city). We started to talk and we immediatly connected (we must have really similair mind program, connecting like that LOL) and she tells me how she feels like she already knows me like forever.

So we walked around in Bruges all day, she shows me all the important historical cultural places and buildings and stuff, just so we have something to do and talk in the meanwhile. She also shows me all the cool spots in Bruges and we eat yummy stuff. We went to some cheap cd store where they got lots of music (stuff that isn't easy to find) and we buy music. Now, I thought I was obsessed by music (having massive loads of music on computer and mp3) but she had all her music on CD's like LEGAL stuff you know, like she pays for it haha, and also what she had on cd , she also had on vinyl. So she was definitaly like hardcore music freak for me and I was like "wooaaah, this girl is cool, look at all the music she has!!" She even gave me some cd's and vinyl that she had double (she bought stuff also from ebay, but like in packages so sometimes she had doubles). I was like wooooaaah, nice girl she just gives me music just like that wooooooooooah awesome lolol.

She really liked me as a friend because I listened to same music like her (and she didnt knew anyone before who did lol) I was a bit weird, I went to art school, and I went to concerts in Brussels, so now apparently I was defined as "COOL" to her. And I was happy also cause now I had a friend from outside of school (besides of E. lolol) and she was cool and she listened to same music, likes movies and also read alot of books. So it was funny to see us together me being that tall and she being tiny tiny girl. Haha she would often ask if we couldn't sit down for awhile cus her neck hurt from looking up all the time when talking to me LOL.

So she had lots of music. And I was like "how the fuck can she paaaay that all??" but then we went over to her place with the last train cause I was going to sleep over. Turns out she hasn't got one villa but two villas connected to eachother with this bridgelike hallway kinda thing. So her house(s) was like MASSIVE. She told me her dad sold his business when it was at its climax so that they were pretty rich now. And I was like woohoo, another rich friend hehe.
Cause ok, now I'm not poor, definitly not, but from mom I don't get alot of money. I used the money to by tobacco and the rest I would save up for my concert tickets (at least one concert a month, mostly 2). So I never had money to buy like cd's or whatever. So she was very nice to me and bought my food, and cd's and stuff , and I was like "woohoo". LOL

But then I soon figured out she really has money issues. Cause she buys music the entire time, and she has many guitars but she doesn't play guitar properly and she want to have a band but she has no talent for guitar and she doesn't know the right people to start a band. So basically what she does to compensate was buying music the entire time, and she bought A LOT. She also went to lots of concerts, even abroad, even when she had just seen the band the day before in Belgium...

She thought it was quite cool me looking up at all the stuf she had (as in material possesion) and she enjoyed giving me stuff that I couldn't buy myself. But I was like 'cool, free music, so cool friend I have'. But in the end I saw that all the things she had was really just "stuff" and she tried to fill her life with music related stuff, compensating her dream of having her own band, she being famous and stuff lol.

At her house I met her parents. Now in belgium we talk Dutch, well flemish actually and there are lots of different dialects (even for such a small country!) so basically I didn't understand A THING her parents were talking to me. So I just nodded, say , yes, no, not knowing what the fuck they were talking about. And they couldn't understand me apparently cause I talk to fast (I get this remark a lot lolol).

Haha once even in the morning I went downstairs and her moms ask something like "Was that you that did bsmqofijsdomfjs,sdo gosgdsoghcd,qgsdqg sdo gmsq last night" and ws like "wtf is she talking about" so I said "uhm, no" and then her mom says a bit louder "NO???" and then I said "uhm,... yes?" and she said almost shouting tone "Yes??????????!!!!!!!"

So I was like shit shit shit what is this person talking about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I kinda looked distracted went to search for ine and told her I couldnt understand shit her parents were talking to me. She thought it was pretty funny.

I like hanging around with friends, but I mean, not for too long , please, I want to be alone after a while. So after I slept over at her house for the first time I take train at about noon and her mom is complaining how I only stayed so short and I was like "WTF I stayed here already longer than I had planned and I just want to sit on train, be alone and enjoy my music on my mp3".

So the next times I came (I always slept over cus it was "long" train ride) her mom said same thing always how I would only stay so short but I would stay longer everytime and I was like fucking wierd parents she got. Really, they were like aliens, and her brother as well, he was some kind of motorcycle freak, and when he saw me he pretented like I wasn't there, never said a word to me.

So after a while I didnt like to go at her place cus her parents seemed like aliens to me, they really lived in some other alternate reality.

Ok, I write some more later

Ok back, shaved off my hair some more it already grew 1 Cm!!!! crazy shit that hair lol
ok next cigarette

That summervacation I decided I wanted to go to Pukkelpop, a festival in Belgium, a lot of bands that I loved were going to perform and I mean RADIOHEAD was coming so I was like ok I go see this shit lol. Thing was I did not have any money , it was about 130 euros, four days, and my parents would never let me go there.

BUT hehe

I managed to save like 50 euros and my parents would be in Spain when the festival was going to take place sooooooooooooo heheehehe. I decided I would go and so I did , I went with my train buddy from school. He is also rich so he payed the other 80 euros for me, and I said I would pay him back some day. ( I did eventually). Ine was also going to go and I told her that I would probably hang around with friends from school but that I would probably grow tired of them. So she said she was going to take a tent for 9 persons, and that I could always sleep in her tent with her friends. So one hour before I was going to leave to the station I chat with W-J (train buddy) and ask if he is ready. He says yea I'm ready, I just need to buy a tent for us and then all is settled. I was like OMG we only have one hour before we go and he hasnt got tent yet...
(His parents weren't home as well lol).
So I am on the platform at the station, waiting for W-J. I see the train coming but I don't see him anywhere. Then I hear a car coming and see W-J step out of a friends car along with the tent. He starts to run and we got on the train. Lol, he just came back from the store.

So we went to the festival place, took a lot of trains, didnt take many trains as they were overloaded with festival people. Once we got there is was already dark when we had to set up tent, but we managed to do it! We met up with some friends, smoked, talk, smoked some weed and stuff. (We went day before the festival actually started). it was my first festival and I was pretty excited. I was proud of myself daring to go to this festival without my parents knowing and doing something I had never done before (I didnt trust myself that I would actually make it to the festival and get inside lol).

After a while I meet up with Ine. Now the opposite happened, she grew tired of her friends and her friends grew tired of her, while I was having much much fun with my friends. So she hung out with me all the time.

Hahaha, also funny thing, W-J, he knows SHIT about music, he did not know ONE band that was coming (well, yea, he had heard of readiohead, but before he did not even know it was a band). So he just wanted to go to the festival for "fun" as if he went camping god I dont know where lolol. He didnt see much bands either those four days, he mostly ate, smoked, drank, smoked weed and bought me food, drinks and cigs. LOL
He spent more time on the camping terrain then at the festival terrain!!

Ok, so then I spent my entire time with Ine as we both liked same music, but sometimes we would disagree and we would split up. I loved being alone and just go check the music I liked. Cause I had heard lots of stories of my friends going to festivals and fighting about which band they were going to see.

I would always go up front and have lots of fun, along with the other people up front that I did not even know hehe.
So there was like a "group" feeling.

Ine would sometimes be annoyed with me going to check out bands without her or hanging out with my own friends.


Hmm, I continue later



OK, it is later now


Last few times I saw her I did not enjoy myself much in her presence. She would talk about music all the time and about people I dont even know, talk about how she whorships Carl Barat (from Libertines & Dirty Pretty Thing), gossip and whine about her friends how stupid they were and how she did not like them.
So I would just sit and listen thinking "if you hate them so much why dont you just leave them and let them be".
But nope, everytime I would come around the whining thing would happen all over again.

Scanning memories right now... what else can I say hmmmmmmmmmmm

Nope not really. Well not about her.

You see, this is how it always goes with me.
I go to new school I make friends, I have best friends, I go to other school, I don't mind leaving them and they never hear from me again an visa versa, and I couldn't care less about them.

Hmmm, so I'll probably meet up with her.

Bummer
lol

SF required. hehe