My sister gave me the great idea of using a dutch/english dictionary so I don't have to look the words up all the time. By the time I'm through the dictionary my vocabulary will be HUGE hahahaa.
"A new method of learning languages.... through self forgiveness, ooh yeah"
But first the self forgiveness menu of the day.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to communicate with animals by talking.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I will never be able to communicate interdimensionaly.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to stand in oneness and equality with 'our' bird.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is impossible to communicate with a strange and crazy bird like 'ours'.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to listen to what the bird has to say.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from our bird.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to 'see' the bird as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from animals.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take animals for granted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take the bird for granted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that birds are dumb.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare myself with other people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to comapre myself with other people's processes.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be jealous because someone else is seemingly further in their process than me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see this process as a competition
Thursday, 31 January 2008
actual self forgiveness with dictionary
a
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define 'a' as the first letter of the alphabet.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define 'a' as a vowel.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the letter 'a' is a boring one to write with your hand.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dislike the capital 'a' because that's the first capital I learnt to write when I was little and it was fucking ugly.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge a letter on its picture presentation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge letters on the amount of time they are being used in a sentence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link the letter 'a' to my name because my name ends with an a.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define 'a' as a letter.
aai (= stroke or something like that, as in petting )
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link petting to animals.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define petting as a sign of good behaviour.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link 'aai' to the game 'aai poesje'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get nervous when hearing or saying 'aai poesje' because it's a game that gets on my nerves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the "aai poesje" game gets on my nerves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be affected by a game.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I can be affected by a game.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power and control away to a game.
aal (=european eel)
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get the shivers when I hear/read tge word aal/eel.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define an eel to what I've seen on pictures and on tv.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scared of eels because in my mind they're slimy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scary in the sea out of fear I might feel a fish against my leg.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fish out of fear that they might hurt me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being hurt by a fish out of fear that the salty water might make the pain worse.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear pain.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being eaten by a shark.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fish because I see them as little sharks.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear getting a limb ripped off by a mean shark.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define sharks as evil just because they look like fish and have weird eyes.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge sharks by their picture presentation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear shark because of their teeth.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear teeth getting through my skin into my flesh.
aanbranden (= to burn (food))
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear letting food burn.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being a terrible cook.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear making bad food out of fear that other people might not like it and then not like me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to care about what other people think of the food I make.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be a great cook so that everyone would like me for my food.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be liked by everyone.
aandacht (=attention)
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think while seeing the word "attention" : oh my thats going to be a long list.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge the word attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to get attention from the people around me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to have attention so I can get some sort of validation that i'm accepted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think in my mind "Aaaandacht!Aaandacht" like a schoolteacher.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link attention to school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that you need to pay attention while being in class becasue thats what teachers told you all along.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think "attention" is something negative.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define people that seek attention as pathetic.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as pathetic.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to allow and accept the reaction of not wanting to do self forgiveness on the word "attention".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think of A. when hearing/seeing/reading the word attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define A. as the personification of attention.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to look beyond A's search for attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that everything A does is for getting attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dress up in a certain way to get attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dress up in a certain way to get attention of guys.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dress up in a certain way to make people jealouse.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define "getting attention" as "being accepted".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek attention because I want o be accepted.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to give myself attention because I haven't accepted myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself not to want to do self forgiveness on certain words because I know it's going to take some more time then on other words.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that it doesn't matter how long I do forgiveness on whatever words because I will still be applying self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define 'a' as the first letter of the alphabet.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define 'a' as a vowel.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the letter 'a' is a boring one to write with your hand.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dislike the capital 'a' because that's the first capital I learnt to write when I was little and it was fucking ugly.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge a letter on its picture presentation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge letters on the amount of time they are being used in a sentence.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link the letter 'a' to my name because my name ends with an a.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define 'a' as a letter.
aai (= stroke or something like that, as in petting )
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link petting to animals.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define petting as a sign of good behaviour.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link 'aai' to the game 'aai poesje'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get nervous when hearing or saying 'aai poesje' because it's a game that gets on my nerves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the "aai poesje" game gets on my nerves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be affected by a game.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I can be affected by a game.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my power and control away to a game.
aal (=european eel)
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get the shivers when I hear/read tge word aal/eel.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define an eel to what I've seen on pictures and on tv.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scared of eels because in my mind they're slimy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be scary in the sea out of fear I might feel a fish against my leg.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fish out of fear that they might hurt me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being hurt by a fish out of fear that the salty water might make the pain worse.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear pain.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being eaten by a shark.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fish because I see them as little sharks.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear getting a limb ripped off by a mean shark.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define sharks as evil just because they look like fish and have weird eyes.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge sharks by their picture presentation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear shark because of their teeth.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear teeth getting through my skin into my flesh.
aanbranden (= to burn (food))
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear letting food burn.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being a terrible cook.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear making bad food out of fear that other people might not like it and then not like me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to care about what other people think of the food I make.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be a great cook so that everyone would like me for my food.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be liked by everyone.
aandacht (=attention)
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think while seeing the word "attention" : oh my thats going to be a long list.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge the word attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to get attention from the people around me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to have attention so I can get some sort of validation that i'm accepted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think in my mind "Aaaandacht!Aaandacht" like a schoolteacher.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to link attention to school.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that you need to pay attention while being in class becasue thats what teachers told you all along.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think "attention" is something negative.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define people that seek attention as pathetic.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as pathetic.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to allow and accept the reaction of not wanting to do self forgiveness on the word "attention".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think of A. when hearing/seeing/reading the word attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to define A. as the personification of attention.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to look beyond A's search for attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that everything A does is for getting attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dress up in a certain way to get attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dress up in a certain way to get attention of guys.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dress up in a certain way to make people jealouse.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define "getting attention" as "being accepted".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek attention because I want o be accepted.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to give myself attention because I haven't accepted myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself not to want to do self forgiveness on certain words because I know it's going to take some more time then on other words.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realise that it doesn't matter how long I do forgiveness on whatever words because I will still be applying self forgiveness.
self forgiveness with dictionary (at first) but then turned out to something else :)
I decided I wanted to "try" (as in: actually do and then see how it goes ) applying self forgiveness while flipping through the dictionary and do self forgiveness on every word I have some reaction/feeling/thougth/memory. I decided to do this after reading someone's post about it ( http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2120 ) but never really got to it (posponement aaaaargh!) so I will do a part everyday. Why do this? Well, it's kind of a 'systematic' way to release yourself from your past, to stop judging words, stop abusing words...
Self forgiveness is about releasing. So when doing self forgiveness on words you release yourself from your past (I worte post instead of past first woops :p). It's like a statement you're making. You're not going to let your past control or influence you. You're not giving you power away to your past anymore. Nope. You're going to stay here, now. Not worrying about past or future. Cause really. Whenever you're day dreaming or thinking about stuff it's always about a past event or a future event, but you're never ever actually in the NOW. Be aware of your thoughts people. You'll see them either go back of forward but never here. You're thinking about some party you're going and wondering if there are going to be any hot chicks/guys. You're thinking about how everything was better a year back. You're thinking about what you're going to eat for dinner... What purpose have these thougths? Are they helping you? No. In no way whatsoever. Follow your thoughts, look where they go. They're just distraction, entertainment that keeps you away from living. Living in the here and now. Enjoying yourself in every breath you take. Being fully aware of the moment. I mean wouldn't that be cool? To experience yourself when you're just sitting. Being aware of everything that your body is touching. Being aware of how your body moves while breathing. Being aware of the taste in your mouth. Being aware of YOU. How can you ever be bored or wanting to be entertained when fully living and experiencing yourself? You can't, you just can't.
How wonderful would it be, if your past cannot affect you. Not control you.
And this is not some wishful thinking you know. You can actually achieve this. Of course it will take some time. There are tools to do this. Self forgiveness is one of them. And applying the self forgiveness you've done, else it don't really matter. I'm guessing everyone wants to be released from their past. And you can only do this for yourself. So do it I tell you. Just do it. What do you have to lose except for your precious past that is still holding its tentacles onto you?
Do something for yourself.
I wrote a bit more than I would do usually. But I wanted to make it clear for people who are not familiar with desteni. So that they too can understand what it is people participating on the desteni forum are doing. That they can recognise themselves instead of just reading "system talk" and talking about how "the mind fucks with you". Cause I understand that when I started this blog I jsut wanted to put my application out there. But I realise that people who have no idea what self forgiveness is, who have no I idea about most of the stuff we talk about will just go to some other website cause they simply arent able to understand what's written. So from now on when I do a specific post about e.g. self dishonesty, systems, polarity, 'of the mind', self forgiveness, etc I'll expand on it in a way that it can be understood by anyone and that not only the people who are actively participating in process know what I'm talking about. This will assist me too in many ways I realise. So I can see how I understand things to be, to see how I work with self forgiveness, how I see systems... But also how I can assist other people practicaly and assist myself in the same way. A lot of specific words that we use on the forum, I never really written them out. It's inside me as an 'idea' like this uhm concept that has a tag like 'system' or 'honesty' and when the words are used I understand what's been said but I never really put the explanation as I experience it into words. It's like uhm... I used to play this game called Guild Wars (still play it from time to time) and you have your character and you've got skills, spells, enchantments that you can do unto other charachters. But then there would be spells named like "Backfire" but I wouldn't know what they mean (my english has its limits :p) but by "experiencing" the spell when someone would cast it on my character I understood what it meant. I knew what backfire meant. And now actually, I think this is a way better way to learn words. You don't really have the word in your mind along with a picture of it (like with the word apple and then imm. there's a picture of and apple with it) but you have the word and the experience of the word. I'm not sure if I'm getting this clear... I hope you get what I mean.
Anyway, lol, this wasn't really what I had "in mind" to write but hey, I'm glad I did.
I'll expand on the self forgiveness with dictionary later.
Also I'd like to ask the people from the forum to comment when I make a post about specific words we use at desteni so I can read your perspective on it. That'd be nice.
Ok, going to clean the stairs now.
Self forgiveness is about releasing. So when doing self forgiveness on words you release yourself from your past (I worte post instead of past first woops :p). It's like a statement you're making. You're not going to let your past control or influence you. You're not giving you power away to your past anymore. Nope. You're going to stay here, now. Not worrying about past or future. Cause really. Whenever you're day dreaming or thinking about stuff it's always about a past event or a future event, but you're never ever actually in the NOW. Be aware of your thoughts people. You'll see them either go back of forward but never here. You're thinking about some party you're going and wondering if there are going to be any hot chicks/guys. You're thinking about how everything was better a year back. You're thinking about what you're going to eat for dinner... What purpose have these thougths? Are they helping you? No. In no way whatsoever. Follow your thoughts, look where they go. They're just distraction, entertainment that keeps you away from living. Living in the here and now. Enjoying yourself in every breath you take. Being fully aware of the moment. I mean wouldn't that be cool? To experience yourself when you're just sitting. Being aware of everything that your body is touching. Being aware of how your body moves while breathing. Being aware of the taste in your mouth. Being aware of YOU. How can you ever be bored or wanting to be entertained when fully living and experiencing yourself? You can't, you just can't.
How wonderful would it be, if your past cannot affect you. Not control you.
And this is not some wishful thinking you know. You can actually achieve this. Of course it will take some time. There are tools to do this. Self forgiveness is one of them. And applying the self forgiveness you've done, else it don't really matter. I'm guessing everyone wants to be released from their past. And you can only do this for yourself. So do it I tell you. Just do it. What do you have to lose except for your precious past that is still holding its tentacles onto you?
Do something for yourself.
I wrote a bit more than I would do usually. But I wanted to make it clear for people who are not familiar with desteni. So that they too can understand what it is people participating on the desteni forum are doing. That they can recognise themselves instead of just reading "system talk" and talking about how "the mind fucks with you". Cause I understand that when I started this blog I jsut wanted to put my application out there. But I realise that people who have no idea what self forgiveness is, who have no I idea about most of the stuff we talk about will just go to some other website cause they simply arent able to understand what's written. So from now on when I do a specific post about e.g. self dishonesty, systems, polarity, 'of the mind', self forgiveness, etc I'll expand on it in a way that it can be understood by anyone and that not only the people who are actively participating in process know what I'm talking about. This will assist me too in many ways I realise. So I can see how I understand things to be, to see how I work with self forgiveness, how I see systems... But also how I can assist other people practicaly and assist myself in the same way. A lot of specific words that we use on the forum, I never really written them out. It's inside me as an 'idea' like this uhm concept that has a tag like 'system' or 'honesty' and when the words are used I understand what's been said but I never really put the explanation as I experience it into words. It's like uhm... I used to play this game called Guild Wars (still play it from time to time) and you have your character and you've got skills, spells, enchantments that you can do unto other charachters. But then there would be spells named like "Backfire" but I wouldn't know what they mean (my english has its limits :p) but by "experiencing" the spell when someone would cast it on my character I understood what it meant. I knew what backfire meant. And now actually, I think this is a way better way to learn words. You don't really have the word in your mind along with a picture of it (like with the word apple and then imm. there's a picture of and apple with it) but you have the word and the experience of the word. I'm not sure if I'm getting this clear... I hope you get what I mean.
Anyway, lol, this wasn't really what I had "in mind" to write but hey, I'm glad I did.
I'll expand on the self forgiveness with dictionary later.
Also I'd like to ask the people from the forum to comment when I make a post about specific words we use at desteni so I can read your perspective on it. That'd be nice.
Ok, going to clean the stairs now.
Wednesday, 30 January 2008
Tuesday, 29 January 2008
Missing the train
OK, so this is what happends to me quite often. I hurry myself from school to the station, having 9 minutes left and I run up the stairs to my queu and see the train and I run to one of the doors and I try to squeeze in but they were already closing and for 1 sec my leg got stuck in it and panicked a little but that went away pretty soon, got myself out and missed my train. My friend was really pissed and someone that worked at the station said "too bad he" but in this uhm "funny" tone and my friend replied "Yeah, my ASS too!" lol.
And then I got mad too because we missed the train humm... So I thought that I should do some forgiveness on that. I also decided to miss my train tomorrow when comoing back from school. I always get him on wednesday so I'll just sit wait for the train and when he comes just let him pass and take the next one. To see what my reactions are and apply forgiveness while "waiting" for the next train. So yea, I'll post tomorrow how that went!
Self forgiveness on missing your train :
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get mad at 'the train' because he left when I just got there.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear missing my train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear missing my train because then I get home later.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be home "on time".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is bad to miss your train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be home "early".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to catch my train cause when I don't I have to wait for the next one.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I do not want to wait for the next train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become mad at myself because I generated reactions within me when i missed the train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become mad at other people because I missed the train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get mad at myself for missing the train.
And then I got mad too because we missed the train humm... So I thought that I should do some forgiveness on that. I also decided to miss my train tomorrow when comoing back from school. I always get him on wednesday so I'll just sit wait for the train and when he comes just let him pass and take the next one. To see what my reactions are and apply forgiveness while "waiting" for the next train. So yea, I'll post tomorrow how that went!
Self forgiveness on missing your train :
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get mad at 'the train' because he left when I just got there.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear missing my train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear missing my train because then I get home later.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be home "on time".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is bad to miss your train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to be home "early".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to catch my train cause when I don't I have to wait for the next one.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I do not want to wait for the next train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become mad at myself because I generated reactions within me when i missed the train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become mad at other people because I missed the train.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get mad at myself for missing the train.
Monday, 28 January 2008
Nose hurts
So I managed to wake up immediatly this morning. My alarm went of WHAM I jumped up turned the alarm off and the lights on. But it was still too early so I just laid in my bed and just breathe.
When I walked down the stairs my head was feeling as if I had a hangover so I drank some water. Tummy doing weird, blowing my nose all the time. Bu now my nose is hurting from all the paper hankerchiefs I used today. I almost went home while being at school. But than it came to me that that wouldn't make any difference and I would still feel like "shit". So I jsut stayed at school, kept things calm,drank some water from time to time.
It's strange. Last night I didn't worry about today at all (monday). Normally I'd ruin my own weekend by worrying about going back to school. But it was different this time. Maybe it's because I worked for school during the weekend which I normally never do. I 'always' postpone everything to the last minute with school stuff. That's not good. I only make every situation worse for myself. Like you know you have to write this essay or whatever and you don't want to but you know that at some point you'll have to do it BUT JUST NOT NOW. Then you're fucking up every moment in between the moment you decided to postpone and the moment you actually started and finished it. It's the postponing that makes you not want to make your task. Not the task itself. Or like when you have to talk infront of a bunch of people and you say you'll go last. Then you sit there with all your crazy emotions shit fucking yourself up in your tummy. And you make yourself feel worse for even a longer time. And for what? You'll have to do it anyway. You fuck up your ENTIRE day while the actual action that you 'fear' doing just takes a moment. Damn that's sick. Damn I'm sick. Maybe that's why I'm sick lol.
So now I do everything when it comes up in my mind that I have to do it sooner or later. Soon is best. Like it crossed my mind that I should do forgiveness on this and then my mind went naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, just do it after dinner. So gues what fucking mind? I'll do it right now, right here you motherf*cker!
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is impossible for me to just wake up and get out fo bed when my alarm goes off.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to find my alarm extremely irritating.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get irritated when I hear the same sound as my alarm on tv, radio etc.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that the sound of my alarm isn’t irritating, it’s me that is irritated about “being helpless” because without an alarm I wouldn’t be able to wake up at a specific time.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get mad ‘at’ my alarm clock.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be grateful for my alarm clock because he/she is helping me with getting up in the morning and make sure I don’t sleep too much!
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that my alarm clock is assisting and supporting me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take my alarm clock for granted.
I forgive msyelf that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that my alarm clock is aware.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to say thank you to my alarm clock.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is nuts to talk or say something to “mere objects”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to do self forgiveness so that people can see that I am not dishonest and will stop postponing things.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that by not wanting to be dishonest I am dishonest.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel ‘different’ because I am feeling sick.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to use this ‘I am sick’ feeling as an excuse to not go to school as one of the first thoughts I have when waking up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced and change my behaviour because I feel sick.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to postpone my tasks for school.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I am being dishonest when postponing.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that by postponing I’m making the situation worse for myself from the moment I decided to postpone to the moment I finally finifhed the thing I postponed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I must prove myself to my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to see the mind as something more as me.
When I walked down the stairs my head was feeling as if I had a hangover so I drank some water. Tummy doing weird, blowing my nose all the time. Bu now my nose is hurting from all the paper hankerchiefs I used today. I almost went home while being at school. But than it came to me that that wouldn't make any difference and I would still feel like "shit". So I jsut stayed at school, kept things calm,drank some water from time to time.
It's strange. Last night I didn't worry about today at all (monday). Normally I'd ruin my own weekend by worrying about going back to school. But it was different this time. Maybe it's because I worked for school during the weekend which I normally never do. I 'always' postpone everything to the last minute with school stuff. That's not good. I only make every situation worse for myself. Like you know you have to write this essay or whatever and you don't want to but you know that at some point you'll have to do it BUT JUST NOT NOW. Then you're fucking up every moment in between the moment you decided to postpone and the moment you actually started and finished it. It's the postponing that makes you not want to make your task. Not the task itself. Or like when you have to talk infront of a bunch of people and you say you'll go last. Then you sit there with all your crazy emotions shit fucking yourself up in your tummy. And you make yourself feel worse for even a longer time. And for what? You'll have to do it anyway. You fuck up your ENTIRE day while the actual action that you 'fear' doing just takes a moment. Damn that's sick. Damn I'm sick. Maybe that's why I'm sick lol.
So now I do everything when it comes up in my mind that I have to do it sooner or later. Soon is best. Like it crossed my mind that I should do forgiveness on this and then my mind went naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, just do it after dinner. So gues what fucking mind? I'll do it right now, right here you motherf*cker!
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is impossible for me to just wake up and get out fo bed when my alarm goes off.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to find my alarm extremely irritating.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get irritated when I hear the same sound as my alarm on tv, radio etc.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that the sound of my alarm isn’t irritating, it’s me that is irritated about “being helpless” because without an alarm I wouldn’t be able to wake up at a specific time.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to get mad ‘at’ my alarm clock.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be grateful for my alarm clock because he/she is helping me with getting up in the morning and make sure I don’t sleep too much!
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that my alarm clock is assisting and supporting me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take my alarm clock for granted.
I forgive msyelf that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that my alarm clock is aware.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to say thank you to my alarm clock.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that it is nuts to talk or say something to “mere objects”.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to do self forgiveness so that people can see that I am not dishonest and will stop postponing things.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that by not wanting to be dishonest I am dishonest.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel ‘different’ because I am feeling sick.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself wanting to use this ‘I am sick’ feeling as an excuse to not go to school as one of the first thoughts I have when waking up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced and change my behaviour because I feel sick.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to postpone my tasks for school.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that I am being dishonest when postponing.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realise that by postponing I’m making the situation worse for myself from the moment I decided to postpone to the moment I finally finifhed the thing I postponed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I must prove myself to my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed msyelf to see the mind as something more as me.
Sunday, 27 January 2008
27/01/2008
Internet was slow the last few days do I haven't really "updated" the blog. I did some self forgiveness while being at school which I will post later.
I feel like all this writing is is literally making you go empty inside. Bot negative. A sort of cleansing, puking everything out through words. I've been feeling more comfortable lately with myself. Calm and "peaceful". It's still hard to stop all those thoughts popping up with everything you see, hear. Thoughts about the past an future. Imagining things. But it's getting better. Stabelizing slowly but surely. I'm beginning to be more honest towards friends and teachers. It's kind of scary lol. I surprise myself sometimes with what I say in the moment. I like that.
Veno suggested that I started singing... So I did that. It's weird bevause my throat is hurting and when i sing it gets better after awhile. I remember three years ago or so I had a throat infection and I hurt like a lot. It hurts to breath, it hurts to drink, it hurts to swallow. But I got better rather fast. I would be at home alone while everyone was at work/school and then I would sing along with music from Bjork. And if you know Bjork you know its not easy lol. Well I jsut sang along, pushed myself and the singing cleared my throat. I don't know if it's jsut coincidence.. But I feel it's helping. Been singing more at school, on the street (very very quiet though lol). I'm embarrased when people notice me singing. I only hear myself singing in my head but I have no idea what I really sound like. And maybe I don't wanna know :p Mayvbe I'll record myself one day hehe.
I think I should work on my sleep. When it's school i "easily" wake up after 6 hours of sleep, but once the weekend starts I sleep like 10-12 hours :-S. And when i wake up I hear my irritating alarm, open my eyes and feel as if the weight of the world is pouring down on me. As if i get locked back into this world. It's like hmmmmm... the feeling reminds me of a thick door or a safe where you have these steel bars locking in like FFviiieeum! and they're locked. You're locked. And then I go "OOOoooh nooooo, I'm still here, oh shit and I'll be here all day long o boy I don't feel like waking up and going to school, fucking school" and then I go"Leila that's no excuse just wake up and get your lazy ass to the kitchen". But the first impression/feeling is sooooo tempting. To just lay in your bed and wander of into this kind of "nothingness". I still see sleep as an escape thing. A place where I have no responsability where I have to do nothing..
living the day out is stil hard task. I really have to push myself. One of these days i'll probably just stay home instead of going to school. But that would be self dishonesty. So that being said I'll go to school anyway. In a few weeks we'll be going to Berlin with school. I'll do my best with being self honest etc. Last year we went to Paris. Visiting museums during the day and in the evenings/night everyone would just get stoned and drunk. I really was too drunk. So this year I'll just stay calm. Ask a rooom for myself if there's one left. Last year no one would sleep in their own room. They would forget their keys and knock on the door in the middle of the night/early morning. Even when I said that they had to be sure that they took their key with them cause I wanted to sleep they didn't do it. They would sit by the door and just keep knocking till I would open. They'd be all drunk and stoned laughing at me wanting to make fun. Well I jsut wanted them to FUCK OFF. My class is cool you know. But once they get drunk (myself included) we're a fucked up bunch. Then their real nature would come out. Wasn't a nice sight. I don't care if they get mad at me, tell me I'm boring or whatever. if they want to get drunk and fuck themselves up by letting the systems take over, well then that's their choice. If they forget their key I won't open up the door, I won't clean up their mess and I won't pity them.
Fucking fucks.
I feel like all this writing is is literally making you go empty inside. Bot negative. A sort of cleansing, puking everything out through words. I've been feeling more comfortable lately with myself. Calm and "peaceful". It's still hard to stop all those thoughts popping up with everything you see, hear. Thoughts about the past an future. Imagining things. But it's getting better. Stabelizing slowly but surely. I'm beginning to be more honest towards friends and teachers. It's kind of scary lol. I surprise myself sometimes with what I say in the moment. I like that.
Veno suggested that I started singing... So I did that. It's weird bevause my throat is hurting and when i sing it gets better after awhile. I remember three years ago or so I had a throat infection and I hurt like a lot. It hurts to breath, it hurts to drink, it hurts to swallow. But I got better rather fast. I would be at home alone while everyone was at work/school and then I would sing along with music from Bjork. And if you know Bjork you know its not easy lol. Well I jsut sang along, pushed myself and the singing cleared my throat. I don't know if it's jsut coincidence.. But I feel it's helping. Been singing more at school, on the street (very very quiet though lol). I'm embarrased when people notice me singing. I only hear myself singing in my head but I have no idea what I really sound like. And maybe I don't wanna know :p Mayvbe I'll record myself one day hehe.
I think I should work on my sleep. When it's school i "easily" wake up after 6 hours of sleep, but once the weekend starts I sleep like 10-12 hours :-S. And when i wake up I hear my irritating alarm, open my eyes and feel as if the weight of the world is pouring down on me. As if i get locked back into this world. It's like hmmmmm... the feeling reminds me of a thick door or a safe where you have these steel bars locking in like FFviiieeum! and they're locked. You're locked. And then I go "OOOoooh nooooo, I'm still here, oh shit and I'll be here all day long o boy I don't feel like waking up and going to school, fucking school" and then I go"Leila that's no excuse just wake up and get your lazy ass to the kitchen". But the first impression/feeling is sooooo tempting. To just lay in your bed and wander of into this kind of "nothingness". I still see sleep as an escape thing. A place where I have no responsability where I have to do nothing..
living the day out is stil hard task. I really have to push myself. One of these days i'll probably just stay home instead of going to school. But that would be self dishonesty. So that being said I'll go to school anyway. In a few weeks we'll be going to Berlin with school. I'll do my best with being self honest etc. Last year we went to Paris. Visiting museums during the day and in the evenings/night everyone would just get stoned and drunk. I really was too drunk. So this year I'll just stay calm. Ask a rooom for myself if there's one left. Last year no one would sleep in their own room. They would forget their keys and knock on the door in the middle of the night/early morning. Even when I said that they had to be sure that they took their key with them cause I wanted to sleep they didn't do it. They would sit by the door and just keep knocking till I would open. They'd be all drunk and stoned laughing at me wanting to make fun. Well I jsut wanted them to FUCK OFF. My class is cool you know. But once they get drunk (myself included) we're a fucked up bunch. Then their real nature would come out. Wasn't a nice sight. I don't care if they get mad at me, tell me I'm boring or whatever. if they want to get drunk and fuck themselves up by letting the systems take over, well then that's their choice. If they forget their key I won't open up the door, I won't clean up their mess and I won't pity them.
Fucking fucks.
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