Day 12: Anxiety and Me - Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a relationship of comfort with anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being in a state of anxiety something provides me with greater control over myself and my situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between "anxiety" and "preparedness"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am in a state of anxiety, that I am somehow better prepared for whatever which may be coming

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anxiety places me in a 'better position' -- instead of seeing and realising that it is actually in reverse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I already place myself mentally within the unwanted situation which I anticipate -- that this somehow is going to affect the outcome in a way that benefits me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find the experience of anxiety "normal"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the experience of anxiety is in fact not normal at all and is rather uncomfortable and unpleasant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given my power away to an experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given my power away to emotions and feelings and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by giving my power away to emotions and feelings such as anxiety, I am in fact validating and enforcing their existence while at the same time invalidating and weakening myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed emotions and feelings in a position of Author-ity where I have accepted and allowed myself to let emotions and feelings dictate who I am and how I experience myself instead of seeing and realising myself as my own Author-ity and scripting my own path within alignment with that which is Best for All

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a victim of my feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is nothing that I can do about the emotions and feelings I experience and that all I can do is "wait it out" until I can feel 'better'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand up within myself to no longer accept and allow emotions and feelings to dictate who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a slave to my feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regard emotions and feelings as some 'external force' to which I can only submit -- instead of seeing and realising that emotions and feelings are not some external force, but are in fact me as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and that it is a matter of me abdicating my responsibility towards a part of myself from which I am have separated myself from

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the emotions and feelings I experience are me in fact as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and that it is thus a matter of me directing myself towards an outcome that is Best for All and thus also best for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from my emotions and feelings

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question the experiences inside me as feelings and emotions even though they clearly make my life more difficult and less pleasant

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is okay to act upon emotions and feelings as that is what everyone else seems to have been doing

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question manifestations within this world which clearly do not bring about an outcome which is Best for All -- simply because I see others not question it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the principle of what is Best for All overrules the conditioning of the masses


When and as I see myself going into a state of anxiety and going "oh no, here it goes again" -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the very statement as the thought "here IT goes again" implies separation and is me indicating to myself where I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from a part of myself and thus abdicate my self-responsibility. As I breathe in I allow myself to acknowledge the fact that this anxiety is in fact me and not some separate entity here to dominate me and since I am the creator of the anxiety as myself I am perfectly capable of directing this anxiety and stop myself as anxiety

When and as I see myself going into a state of anxiety -- I stop and I breathe -- I ask myself "What am I afraid of facing" and investigate the origin of anxiety within myself. I allow myself to sit down and have a look at the points which opened up and apply Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements so that these points no longer remain as obstacles within my life

When and as I see myself going into a state of anxiety -- I stop and I take a deep breath in and a deep breath out -- I assist and support myself within breathing to ground myself and re-direct the energy instead of the energy directing me as this has shown me to lead me nowhere

When and as I find myself in a state of anxiety and find myself feeling small and powerless in the face of this emotional experience -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am in fact the one feeding this manifestation inside myself where I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to emotions and feelings and within that impose inferiority upon myself -- I see and realise that this is not self-supportive and thus I get myself back together and STOP within the realisation that I am the creator and origin of the experienced fear and anxiety


I commit myself to the establishment of an Equal Money System where feelings and emotions are part of a child's education so that a child may learn and know how to deal with feelings and emotions from an early age

I commit myself to the re-education of Parents so that parents may be the living examples to the children and so assist and support them in terms of how to deal with their internal realities so that these may be aligned within the interest of what is Best for All

I commit myself to expose the uselessness and inherent limitation existent within the allowance of emotions and feelings to rule our very being and to show what is possible when one place themselves as their own Author-ity within one’s life

I commit myself to the end of all fear and anxiety -- in myself and everyone else

Day 11: Anxiety and Me - Part 1

I've had this thing for years now where whenever I experience coldness around me -- I go into an experience of anxiety. And it gets triggered just like that. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or where I'm at, the moment it's cold this anxiety generator inside me just switches on and starts rumbling. And it's really annoying. I've done Self-Forgiveness on this point each time winter comes around, as then it's shoved in my face every day. So here I go again.

I believe the connection between "coldness" and "anxiety" was created at some point during either my last or second last year of high school. We had a very cold winter I just hated having to walk through the cold to the train station and then sitting their in the cold waiting for the train to come, with only the smoke of a cigarette giving me some comfort of warmth. I think it was my last year of high school as at that stage I had a lot of projects going on and we had a lot of verbal assignments -- and I really hated those lol. So then in the mornings just before school I'd sit in the cold shivering, but also shivering at the same time from anxiety. At that time things weren't running very smoothly at home as well, and then when I would be going back home from school, I would also experience anxiety as I didn't know what to expect when getting home. So it was just cold, cold, cold -- anxiety, anxiety, anxiety.

The cigarette smoking also didn't help, from the perspective that I wasn't smoking and being here -- using the smoking as a form of self-support to ground myself -- but instead used it as a distraction and suppress what I was experiencing which only further integrated the point into my physical even further.

And basically since then, each time it's cold I go into anxiety.
What a fuck up.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the coming moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in anxiety of what may (and thus also may not) be coming next

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to be in control of the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear not being in control of the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to be in control of how I experience myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by wanting to be in control of the future in order to be in control of what and how I experience myself -- I am confirming my position as a slave to my environment, where I am doomed to react to whatever inputs received from my surroundings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed myself in a position where I am a slave to my environment, in terms of events occuring and me being doomed to react to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate reaction within myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by anticipating reaction in the future, I am in fact scripting reaction into my own future as a self-fulfilling prophecy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of reacting within fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that through fearing my own fear, all I am doing in fact is fearing myself, as I am the source of fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I am the source of fear, I can direct the fear as it is implied that I am the creator of the fear which I fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to direct myself as fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my environment to provide me with a specific input to stop my fear -- again confirming my slave status -- instead of moving and directing myself to stop my own fear, to in essence: stop myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have the power to direct myself as how I experience myself within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no way that I can direct my inner-experience, and that I must thus resort to trying to control my environment in order to manage my inner experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and attempt to manage my experience indirectly, through manipulating my environment so that it would send me the right signals telling me it's okay to stop fearing now

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to DIRECTLY change my experience within myself


I commit myself to get to the bottom of this anxiety construct so that I do not longer place myself in a position where I experience myself as a pinball, being thrown around upside down and side to side, where lots of buttons get pushed and lights go on as a result of reactions and conditioning

I commit myself to forgive myself in order to release myself and let go of this anxiety construct as it is in no way necessary to hold on to such a point

I commit myself to stop worrying about the future within the realisation that the only room for direction exists HERE and that worrying about the future only results in me having an unpleasant experience

I commit myself to ground myself whenever I experience anxiety and to no longer just "go with it" as if it has become a normal experience of "Oh yes, it's cold -- here comes the anxiety, let's just hope it gets warm soon so I don't have to be bothered with this"

I commit myself to take responsibility for what I experience inside myself and to no longer expect my environment to sort me out -- only I can sort myself out

I commit myself to not suppress any experiences such as feelings and emotions but to address them as they come up in and to not allow them to accumulate over time, allowing the problem to only get worse and worse -- within the knowledge that this point has to be faced some day so I might as well make that day TODAY

I commit myself to release myself from the chains of fear and anxiety as self-imposed limitation and explore what is possible when one is no longer caged in fear

I commit myself to the 7 Years Process to Life to assist and support myself in deconstructing redundant and self-destructive programming and replace it with a script which serves in support for what is Best for All Life

Day 10: Consumerism and the Pursuit of Happiness

I remember back in high school, I was about 13-14 years old -- my mom and I were planning to go and buy shoes.
We didn't go buy shoes very often so I considered this to be a very special occasion. We would go maybe once, twice a year so I had to be very specific about the shoes I wanted as I would have to wear them for a while before being able to get different ones.

At that time, a specific style of shoes was "the new thing" and I really wanted to have a particular type of shoe in that style.

A week before we would go and buy the shoes I was already being very excited, and thinking how cool it was going to be to have these shoes and how much more awesome my life was going to be.

We went to go and get the shoes, I was very excited, wore them with proud for a few days and the it dawned on to me:

My life hadn't changed

I had gotten the shoes, I was wearing them -- but my life experience hadn't changed!

I didn't understand -- I planned it in my mind, and I did all the things I was supposed to do like getting the shoes and then I was supposed to be a happier person -- but I wasn't.

The same shit was still going on
My life still sucked.

I was so disappointed. I felt scammed. All this time I had built up all this excitement towards getting this shoes and now that I had them, it didn't mean anything.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that buying new things will make me happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I want something really bad, and then get it -- that this will make me live a happier and more satisfying life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection within my mind where buying is synonymous with happiness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed the fairytale in my mind that told me my life was going to be so much better if only I get these shoes

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question this fairytale and see that there is no common sense link between getting new shoes (when I already have comfy shoes) -- and increased happiness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that buying things equals buying happiness

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have taken the realisation that the new did not make a difference all the way through -- but instead "forgot" about the disappointing experience and went to look for the next thing I can chase and get in the hope that maybe this next item will give me the happiness I seek

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been brainwashed by advertisement, media and fashion into believing that buying stuff will make me a happier person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined happiness within buying and acquiring additional material goods

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined happiness only according to my own reality bubble -- not considering everyone else in the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider happiness within the context of ME, ME, ME

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been so indulged within chasing the next thing that could make me happy that I did not stop and look around at the overall happiness of everyone else -- because then I would have seen that the happiness I seek is not real and that many are suffering needlessly but get no attention as everyone is so busy chasing their own private, personal happiness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mistaken happiness as an energetic feeling experience for having a good quality life

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider that this cannot be so as one must only look at a drug addict whose physical body is deteriorating as a consequence of "happiness-abuse" -- clearly indicating that happiness has got nothing to do with how well you live your life and how well you're taken care off

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I deserve happiness

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that this happiness is undeserved and needless when many starve and suffer in a world of plenty

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that by saying "I deserve happiness" I am saying, "So what other people aren't happy and suffering, I still deserve happiness so I have a right to not do anything about the condition of the rest of the world because I have the right to spend my time chasing happiness just like everybody else"

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that true happiness does not in fact exist

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that happiness cannot exist when there is even one being suffering while everyone is able to make this suffering STOP

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my happiness is worthless as long as I am not willing to trade lives with any randomly determined person in the world

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that MY happiness has no value at all as long as EVERYONE's basic needs haven't been met

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that chasing personal happiness is in fact a form of greed and by saying that everyone has a right to their pursuit of happiness I am in fact stating that everyone has the right to be greedy misers who don't want to share the fruits of life with others


I commit myself to remind myself when faced with the trap of consumerism that I know where this path will lead me as I have already been there and that I should just stop right there and not participate

I commit myself to remind myself that happiness is not defined by buying things and the accumulation of material goods

I commit myself to remind myself that happiness does not consist out of trying to match reality with a picture in my head -- as the picture will always be better, brighter, and more colorful than is practically achievable in this physical reality

I commit myself to a world where personal happiness comes after the happiness of the whole

I commit myself to expose the brainwashing that goes on within advertisement and the media -- with the promise that buying will make you happy while all it does is make those happy who get your money from you falling for the trap

I commit myself to show that happiness as it is currently known within this world is only an illusion

I commit myself to establish a world system where people are in fact supported from life to death and not placed in a position where they chase a carrot stick in order to "sustain" an unsustainable system of greed

I commit myself to expose that the consumerism trap is a scam and that it is one of the reasons why our world is fucked and is staying fucked

I commit myself to show that their is more to life than consumerism

I commit myself to transform the current world of producers and consumers to a world where all are beings sharing the same home and set on distributing resources in a way that is Best for All Life

I commit myself to show how the desire for happiness will keep one trapped in a limited version of reality and will in fact blind you from what is really going on in life

I commit myself to show that no happiness is of any value as long as a single being is suffering within this world

I commit myself to show that no pursuit for happiness is justified as long as a single being suffers in our world

I commit myself to the establishment of an Equal Money System where one will for the first time be able to explore and experience REAL HAPPINESS

Day 9: Fear of War

In Belgium as a child, you get taught about the first and Second World War from a very early age. The teachers would talk about it, get you to memorize dates and maps, watch documentaries loaded with images of war and read books from people written on war, during the war.

I absolutely hated anything in relation to war because it scared the shit out of me. I could not understand when watching the images on the TV screen and reading the books how things could turn out so bad and wicked among human beings. I didn't want to see it and I didn't want to have anything to do with it.

Later during my life as a teenager I had created an immense resistance to watching war related movies and documentaries.  If I could avoid them, I did.

I did not want to imagine what those people had to live through, living in anxiety every single moment - day in and day out. Being physically deprived of food and sleep, being mentally alert and having a fright with each and every single noise.

A week or so ago I pushed myself to watch War Horse and place myself in the uncomfortable position of seeing images of war. I had to cry several times because the whole war thing is just so absolutely damn stupid.

I then also forced myself to listen to the EQAFE Life Review interview of "A Woman of War" and had a knot of anxiety in my stomach the whole time.

I remembered how the one time in high-school my religion teacher was talking about war and pointed out how everyone sitting in the classroom took war for granted, thinking that Wars were something of the past and that we would not have to deal with a war in our lifetime. He then pointed out that never a hundred years would go by without a war -- and that it was thus more likely than unlikely that we would face a war within our lifetime. This left me feeling sick for the rest of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear war

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death, pain and destruction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing people die around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying of a painful death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to the atrocity of war with avoidance

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if I do not like war, that avoiding the issue is not going to make a change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a world where teachers teach children about war and instil fear of war within the through images and literature -- without explaining WHY war exists within this world and what we can do to stop it.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have responded to the animosity of war to finding practical solutions to stopping war and making sure that no-one would ever have to live through a war ever again

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that fearing my own fear is not going to solve anything

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have investigated why war exists and why humans do crazy ass stupid shit like killing and bombing one another when we're all just earthlings sharing the same home called EARTH

I forgive myself that I have instead accepted and allowed myself to see and accept war as part of human nature and something that I should try to avoid at all cost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child have made up war scenarios within my mind and plan out what I would do in different situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have spent my time being occupied with what to do during wartime instead of spending my time ensuring that no more wars exist


I commit myself to the reformation of education where subjects are taught from a common sense perspective and not just for the sake of teaching history without practically explaining the mental instability that has to be existent within the human for having committed all these crime to life within waging wars -- I also commit myself within that to not just teach history from a starting point of heritage but to also look at and consider practical solution so we may actually LEARN something and so we can correct ourselves instead of learning how to fear the future due to our fuck-ups in the past

I commit myself to expose the atrocities of war which can be in no way justifiable

I commit myself to expose that that which we call "human nature" has in fact become an insult to life

I commit myself to the establishment of a World System where NO MORE WARS are waged

I commit myself to the re-education of the human being so it may sort out its mental instability as inner wars so that we do not have to live through outer wars

I commit myself to changing the current World System of Abuse and Insanity to one that Supports Life and is seated within Common Sense based on the principle of what is Best for All Life

I commit myself to change the Current World Economic System of Inequality to one of Equality for All so that no-one will ever have to go through a war ever again

I commit myself to expose the extensive amount of mental disorder that needs to exist for human beings to make the decision to go and blow one another up

I commit myself to showing that it does not have to be this way and that it is in fact possible to live in World without War

Day 8: Know it All

When I made my first trip to the farm, I thought I had a pretty good idea of how everything worked and that I had a good understanding of the Desteni principles.

 Was I in for a surprise.

 Already on my first day of arrival this turned out to be untrue. Although I had participated quite a lot on the old Desteni forum -- I found out that I didn't know shit. I was faced with an environment where other people were actually applying the principles and this was way beyond what I had conceived through my "knowledge" that I had accumulated. Once more I realised how small my "bubble" really was -- especially when listening to the interdimensional beings telling their stories on cold winter nights by the fire. It's like there's a whole reality right here in front of our eyes -- but we can't see it. All we can see is this world which we call ''reality" which is not even a publicly shared reality but our own private, customization of what we want to see.

 And the only reason why we can't see is because of the accepted and allowed emotions, feelings and thoughts which override the real factual world. And this 'layer' through which we filter everything we see keeps us from seeing what is really going on.

I remember the one night I was sitting in the lounge, and I was going through a particular experience and I couldn't pinpoint what it was (how ridiculous is that anyway, that you as a being can experience things -- and then not know what the hell it is, I mean it’s inside you it IS YOU -- again just showing how limited we are no matter how far gone we are in "history" and no matter how "evolved" we consider ourselves to be). Bernard was in the lounge and the Portal as well -- there might have been some other people around but I can't remember. Then at some point Bernard asked to whoever was in the body to leave and get my liver in.

So there I sat on the couch, facing and talking to my liver (well mostly my liver talking to me). In the meantime Bernard was pushing all sorts of points on my back, triggering all kinds of experiences. My liver would then tell me exactly what I was experiencing and, how come I was experiencing, what past memories were involved -- the whole deal.

I was astonished.

My liver knew freakin more about me than I knew about myself. I mean, do I even know how my liver works or where it even sits inside my body? And here it is explaining to me what I've accepted and allowed myself to become in the nitty grittiest detail. Obviously -- I knew nothing at all.

I highly recommend the available downloads on the EQAFE website and the Heaven's Journey to Life blogs which allow one to have a 'peek' at what actually goes on inside ourselves and the world -- and to assist ourselves in lifting the Veils of our Minds so we may finally SEE and create a World that's Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “I know it all”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to settle for my limited awareness and knowledge as “this is it”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my perception of the world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise – that when different people have different perceptions about the world – that this is extremely odd

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question my own perception and that of others when I realise that different people have different perceptions – there is only one world – how can everyone have a different version of the same reality we share?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dismiss this observation and instead stand by what “I” perceive and act and live according to that

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to question my perception, what I see and even more so – what I don’t see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know how I work and that I know how the world works

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I know shit and that I need other people to help me in understanding how the world works and to cross-reference our different “realities” so we can break down all the different various divisions between each one’s own “reality” so we may come back down to Earth and share the same reality as what is actually here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that I could figure things out on my own

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise the extent of limitation existent within myself as the mind and that I need other people to assist and support me in challenging these limitations

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I need other people to challenge these limitations – as I have become these limitations and thus do not see them, am not aware of them myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be humble in accepting and asking for assistance in understanding and seeing how the inner and outer reality really work

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that my own liver is superior to me in every single way as it knows exactly who it is and on top of that it knows exactly who I am – I don’t know either

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect and dismiss the physical aspect of our reality while this is the very aspect which allows me to live my life and have my illusionary bubble

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely unaware of what goes on inside me and how I as the mind and the physical actually operate

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to admit that I need others to assist me with seeing what I have accepted and allowed myself to become

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that “my awareness” is completely worthless and actually not awareness at all

I commit myself to investigate my beliefs and perceptions and deconstruct them in order to go beyond the layers of deception and see what is really going on

I commit myself to no longer ignore and dismiss the physical within the realisation that it is the only thing which is real

I commit myself to expose how everyone’s mind bubble is merely a customized illusion and is not real in fact

I commit myself to assist and support myself, and others as myself to get back down to Earth and work with what is here – instead of being preoccupied in our illusionary reality bubbles which do not match and created unnecessary friction and conflict within the world

I commit myself to humbleness and allow myself to be assisted by others in breaking down my false awareness

I commit myself to a single awareness and the breaking down of all separate realities so we may all come to common ground and create a world that Best for All

I commit myself to the 7 Year Journey to Life, to release myself from my self-imposed limitations and expand my awareness

I commit myself to question any and all beliefs

I commit myself to make use of the information provided by Desteni through various platforms and media as I understand that I cannot walk this process alone

I commit myself to support Desteni so others may receive the same assistance and support as I have been given

Day 7: Letting Go of Fear

This is a continuation to: "Day 6: Fear of Something Going Wrong & Wanting to be in Control"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the event of TweeTweet's death imprint a fear within me of "fear of things going wrong with pets"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not properly deal with the loss of a pet and within that allow this event to have a major impact on my life in terms of how I want to be in control in relation to pets

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have immediately reacted to my experiences of loss as "I do not ever want to experience this again" and within that set myself up in a way to avoid any and all possible situations and combinations of factors which could lead to the loss of a pet

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this is not a solution in terms of dealing with the loss of a pet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instantaneously suppress the event and focus my energy towards "not ever experiencing this again" instead of pushing myself to deal with the experience so that I do not have to go through it next time it happens (instead of wanting to avoid/hide from such situations)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with pets from a starting point of fear and anxiety

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that participation stemming from fear and anxiety is not real participation -- as I am not experiencing the moment as is -- but a modified reality version created within my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within fear back chat as "I hope they're not dead" and then act upon that backchat through checking up on the parrots randomly to check that they're still alive

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this only further feeds my backchat and will only make the situation worse inside myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear as nauseousness upon seeing blood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the picture of blood with the idea of "nightmare" within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a necessary connection between the sight of blood and "experiencing a nightmare" within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump to conclusions when seeing blood -- where I immediately expect worse-case-scenario

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ruled by emotions and feelings when it comes to injured pets instead of common sense evaluation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not having been there when the Parrots got hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about not having been there when TweeTweet drowned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should have been there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be around my pets as much as possible so that I can be there when things happen or be there to prevent things from happening

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this is no way of living life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the expression of my pets through my fears of something happening to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within myself  -- whenever I am faced with an injured bird -- that the bird will probably be dead by the morning so that I am "prepared" in case it happens, where I told myself that this was going to happen anyway, where I do not want to think of the bird being ok/making it because if he then doesn't then I will feel worse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at pets only in terms of how I feel and how I experience myself and not how whatever is happening might be affecting the pet in question


I commit myself to investigate my reactions and experiences of past events when being faced with the loss of a pet

I commit myself to investigate all suppressions in relation to fears to do with pets

I commit myself to release myself from all anxieties and fears related to taking care of animals

I commit myself to be here in the moment when participating with pets

I commit myself to lay out for myself my alternate created reality of the world inside myself and to remove this alternate version of reality layer by layer until I am able to see what is really here

I commit myself to the stopping of backchat inside myself and within that commit myself to act upon common sense rather than nonsensical emotional experiences

I commit myself to remind myself that backchat and emotions have no real value in terms of the physical reality and only make things unnecessarily complicated for myself and those around me

I commit myself to removing all triggers and connection in relation to seeing blood

I commit myself to adopt a common sensical approach towards working with pets instead of a mind reality bubble of fear and anxiety as an added layer upon actual reality which only clouds and blurs my view

I commit myself to do what I can do provide the optimal environment for the pets in my care from the starting point of what is Best for All

I commit myself to let go of fear and wanting to be in control as this does not actually make a difference in terms of what is possible

I commit myself to remind myself that there are those which I can do to prevent harm from happening and that there will be circumstances where factors lie beyond my control -- and since they are beyond my control, there is nothing I can do and it is completely useless to worry about it

I commit myself to remind myself to live every moment to the fullest with the animals in my environment until I no longer can

I commit myself to redefining the word "death" as no longer containing a negative loaded emotion and conception but where death is simply another phase one goes through within one's life experience -- moving from one dimension to another

I commit myself to the ceasing of manipulating myself with thoughts as anticipation, expectation and hope in order to control my emotional experience

I commit myself to face my emotions when faced with them

I commit myself to not hide from my experiences

Day 6: Fear of Something Going Wrong & Wanting to be in Control

Ever since TweeTweet died -- a little flycatcher bird we took care of until (s)he (we never found out whether it was a boy or a girl) drowned in an aquarium in our room, I've had this BIG fear of things going wrong with pets.

When TweeTweet died, I was very upset with myself -- as TweeTweet drowning in the aquarium was something we could have prevented if we had only scanned our room sufficiently for any possible "danger" points which could have been removed to prevent things like harm and death to happen.

When we were getting close to getting our first African Grey Parrot I was getting very panicky as I felt underprepared and thought the poor thing would probably die soon in our care. I did some research on the internet and got myself a book on African Greys the weekend before we were going to get him. I read the book from cover to cover whenever I had time -- and always in a state of anxiety. I wanted to absorb as much information and knowledge possible in order to be able to prevent things from happening the same way they did with TweeTweet.

I wanted to be in control and be able to determine the outcome in any and all situations.

Even long time after we had the Parrots I would go into the room and check up on them just to see whether they were all still alive -- I had this underlying fear/expectation that something bad would/must happen and that I would then be heartbroken again as how I experienced myself with the death of TweeTweet.

A week or so ago, we went to do our monthly shopping. When we came back I weird dark coloured red splatters at the bottom of Wings' cage (one of our five parrots). I thought it was weird and that maybe it was blood but it looked too dark and Wings was acting normal. I figured that it was probably just the food colouring that came off a toy when she played with in the water and gave it no further attention. Then later when I was walking around the parrot cages talking to them and seeing how they were doing I noticed that the spatters in Wings' cage didn't just stop in her cage and that there was a whole bunch on the floor around her cage as well. I started feeling dizzy and told Gian "Gian, it's not the toy colouring, it really is blood" and I started feeling nauseous inside myself. I then turned around to look at Papi's cage (which is opposite of that of Wings) which I saw also had the same red splatters. I then looked at the wall behind and saw that the wall was covered with blood splatters.  I had seen it before but because it was so dark in our room I simply thought "woaw, these parrots sure make how to make a mess with their food" and I felt stupid for not having it checked out.  I felt dizzy, I felt like crying and fainting at the same time. It was like some scene of a nightmare. I had been away all day and they hurt themselves and I hadn't been there for them. (When TweeTweet died we also weren't there in the room). I felt especially bad because they were just acting in their normal birdie way (although Papi was shaking/vibrating a bit). I felt so sad inside looking at these innocent birds, looking at me like they do when they just want attention and play -- and then thinking of what I perceived as something horrific having happened to them -- I felt so guilty, like I had betrayed them, let them down - and didn't deserve them.

I then remembered David saying that Baru had been in the house, which never happened before -- except the one time when he was groggy from medication a week before and I remembered the Parrots freaking out when he was in our room because they had never met him before (they are fine with the other dogs in the house visiting them, Bumi actually likes to sleep on the bed next to them to keep them company while we work outside in the mornings). So what I think happened while we were gone is that Baru visited our room, that the Parrots freaked out in their cages and hurt themselves. I felt terrible inside as I thought that I this time really had "taken care" of all danger points in our room and now they got hurt by something stupid as us leaving our door open/unlocked when we're not around. I was also scared that maybe Baru bit them through the cage  (because I know he bit a chicken the one time) and I know how susceptible birds are to bacteria of dogs and cats their mouths (leading to death).

Gian obviously saw that I was panicking and overreacting and told me to calm down. When I was a bit calmer we took each one of the parrots out and inspected the damage. Wings had lost a bloodfeather and most of the blood had come out from the actually feather which was out -- rather than from her body. So I felt some relief there that it was nothing too serious. The sight of all the blood just got to my head.

Papi's wing was a bit more serious as she had actually hurt the flesh of her wing and not just a feather. Luckily at the farm with all the horses, dogs and chickens we have lots of sprays and other disinfectants which can be used on all animals so we cleaned them both up and then they looked a lot better.

The next few days I was still a bit on edge as I was still kind of expecting to wake up, lift the blanket off of Papi's cage and see her dead on the bottom of the cage as I had seen with so many birds before who got hurt and didn't make it. Because of stress towards my exams I put off writing about this event although I knew I should as the emotions I experienced that night were very intense. As I progressed within my exam period my right shoulder started to hurt a lot until I almost started crying from the pain. LJ suggested to look at it to see if he could assist with the pain. I went to lay down on the bed and he started pushing points, reading them and taking out systems and energy. He explained how he works with points. He showed me his arm and a spot to push with my finger to see if I could read my own point through him, and the only thing that came up was sadness. He explained that I suppressed a lot of my point and stored them into my back and shoulders. He also picked up the word 'guilt'. I them immediately had a picture of TweeTweet flash infront of my eyes and a picture of the Parrots. I then saw that I really needed to address this point.

I realised that I had made a decision after TweeTweet died to try and always be on top of things from the starting point of fear. I had been so busy worrying about the Parrots all the time and interact with them with underlying anxiety that I had completely forgotten to just enjoy my time with them without wanting to be in control all the time. I realised that even though in the event that happened, it was something that could have been prevented -- that I cannot preoccupy myself with "what ifs" the whole time as sometimes things will happen which are beyond my control (and of this, I was even more scared).

I still feared the death of pets as what happened to me with my guinea pig when I was small and how I experienced myself when TweeTweet died and never ever wanting to experience that again. I also see that I am still trying to 'make up' for TweeTweet's death through trying to give the Parrots the best environment and experience possible -- even though this is not always possible because of Money and the fucked up system we've allowed ourselves to end up in. So whenever I feel like the Parrots should have something but I can't give it to them -- I feel sad and unworthy of being their caretaker. But all I am really trying to do is make up for the guilt I experienced when TweeTweet died and trying to make it up with him through other birds. And instead of simply being unconditionally there for the Parrots I've turned into this control freak which can't enjoy a moment with the Parrots and other birds out of fear of something going wrong -- which is the opposite of having a nice time with them and them having a nice time with me.

I see and realise that I have to allow myself and the Parrots to live and that if something happens that is beyond my control then it happens and there is nothing that I can do to make a difference. But this doesn't mean that I must now live in fear of this one moment. I must allow myself to enjoy the time I spend with them to the fullest until I cannot do it anymore. And there's nothing bad or fearful about it -- it's simply how it is, and to treat it otherwise is only to punish myself and the birds around me unnecessarily.

Forgiveness to follow...