Day 36: Self as Creator

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am unable to direct disease as myself – or that at the least it is something for ‘later in my process’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see / realise / understand that if I am the creator of the tick, the virus and the experience of the disease – that I am equally able to direct the disease as myself since all of these variables / factors were me already in the first place –I just can’t remember creating it thanks to this fantastic thing I / we created where we forget all and everything at the point of ‘death’ and ‘birth’ and cycles of karma which we created deliberately to remove ourselves from ever taking self-responsibility within ‘not remembering’ what we’ve done

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that ‘directing a disease as myself’ is not at all impossible within the realisation that I am in fact the creator of and everything and at the same time am part of creation within the realisation that we are all One as Substance and are all made from the same matter as this Physical Reality we all share

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from the tick that bit me and all ticks in existence within believing that “I was the victim of a tick” – instead of seeing and realising that the tick(s) is just another part of me as substance manifested in a different form but is still me in fact within the context of Physical Oneness an Equality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that anything in this world can only ever exist as a reflection of our nature – and so I cannot blame the tick for becoming sick as the tick is merely an external manifestation of what is already existent here within and as me as my very beingness and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame a tick for my experience within the attempt of not having to face my true parasitic nature which is merely revealed through the externalized manifestation of ticks and other parasites

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe / trust that it is impossible for me to direct disease as myself and that it is impossible for me to change – without seeing and realising that this is just another excuse / justification for not taking self-responsibility -- because if I acknowledge that self-change and self-trust is possible within the realisation that I am here as everything in fact – then this will mean that I will have to take responsibility for everything that is here as me in fact and get my ass in gear – which is something I’ve defined as scary and unwanted within myself and believe that I rather take only limited self-responsibility as the limited reality which is confined within and as my mind

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it is completely possible to redirect my trust – where I am able to simply unconditionally redirect my trust of ‘not being able to change’ to ‘I am able to change’ -- and within that statement – change

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to have taken the realisation of ‘ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE’ and pull it through into practical application within every moment and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to beliefs of self-limitation within the religion of myself in the face of the countless times I have been shown and seen for myself that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

When and as I see myself going into an attitude of disbelief, where I do not trust myself to be able to change / direct myself as disease – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am the creator of the disease as I am the creator of everything and part of creation as everything – and within the realisation that I am Equal and One with this physical reality within the sharing of Substance I commit myself to trust myself and move myself as disease within the understanding that the disease and my human physical body is me in fact

When and as I see myself postponing walking through a point – within the belief that ‘I can’t do this’ and ‘it’s something for later in my process’ and ‘not now / not yet’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that there’s no point ‘postponing’ to walk through a point if the point is right here – the point is RIGHT HERE – and not LATER, so I embrace the point and walk the point unconditionally in self-trust and let go of all beliefs of self-limitation

I commit myself to remind myself and everyone else that we are in fact the creators of everything and are able to direct creation as ourselves in every possible way – and the only reason I / we are not able to do so is because we have not yet embraced self-responsibility within the realisation that we are One within this Physical Reality as Substance and have allowed ourselves to remain stuck in fragmented limited realities of ourselves as we believe that the only thing which is real is the Mind which for some reason we think is this *amazing* thing, while it’s the most limited thing existence

When and as I see myself looking at something as it being ‘out there’ and ‘separate’ from me – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that everything in existence is and has always only been an extension and reflection of ourselves so we can never really ‘observe’ or ‘behold’ anything which is not ME / US – and within that I commit myself to deconstruct and remove all the layers of separation as beliefs of ‘me and them’ and ‘me against the world’ as all I can ever be faced with is myself and so I commit myself to walk the process of the elimination of Self as the Mind as this is the most limited reality / version one can live in and as and I commit myself toembrace/amalgamate/integrate myself into and as the physical and explore what is possible FOR REAL

When and as I see myself blaming another for an experience I have within myself such as disease – I stop and I breathe – I remind myself that I am the creator of my experience and am perfectly able to direct the experience/disease as myself Equal and One

I commit myself to show that we cannot blame and point fingers at one another as everything and everyone are different parts of ourselves manifested in different externalized forms – but all are me / us in fact and so whenever we point fingers we are really just pointing fingers at ourselves, and so there is no point pointing fingers but to take self-responsibility as creators and move ourselves Equal and One towards what is Best for All so All Parts of ourselves in and as this Physical Reality can be taken Care of Equally within Dignity

When and as I see myself accessing and playing out the belief that ‘I can’t do this’, ‘it’s impossible’, ‘I can’t change’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is just another of my ‘tricks’ to not take self-responsibility and see/realise/understand that I am perfectly able to change – and so I move my trust of ‘not being able to change’ to trusting myself as change and I change in fact

When and as I see myself accessing the belief that taking responsibility for everything which is here as myself which is this Physical Reality in its entirety is ‘scary’ and ‘unwanted’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the only way Self-Responsibility can be Real if it is Self-Responsibility IN FACT, and this can only happen when everything in its totality is included within this point of Self-Responsibility and anything less is not real Self-Responsibility as one has not accepted and embraced All Parts of Self as Everything and Everyone in this Physical Reality and so there is really only one type of Self-Responsibility and this Self-Responsibility is All Encompassing

When and as I see myself accessing the belief that I am unable to take Self-Responsibility as All Parts of Myself in and as this Physical Reality – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the scope may change but the Principle remains the same – and as such, nothing much changes and my application will be one and the same as acting within the Principle of what is Best for All within Self-Honesty and transforming this World and thus our Nature to one that is Best for All, so that All Parts of Myself are may be Equal and Equally taken care of

I commit myself to show that since we can trust we can trust whatever it is we want – and whatever we trust will be – and as such why not move our Trust in Separation and Inhumanity to Trust in Equality and Humanity as what is Best for All Life and Manifest / Create a World of Equality At Last

I commit myself to remind myself and others that we are in fact the creators of everything and everyone as we are of the same source as Physical Substance and show that we are able to create anything and move reality into any direction we want – and within that I commit myself to direct this reality as myself to one of Oneness and Equality where All Parts of Reality/Creation are taken care of Equally and Responsibly

Related articles

• Day 35: Reversing Trust
• Day 27: Ticks and Tick Bite Fever - Part 2
• Day 15: Self as Creator - Fear and Me - Part 5
• Day 126: TRUE ACTIVIST Humans Were Always Cruel
• Day 18: Angry at the World - Anger and Me - Part 3
• Day 14 - Trusting Fear - Anxiety and Me - Part 4

Day 35: Reversing Trust

My tick bite fever has subsided now, and now my physical body is just feeling ‘weak’ from the aftermath. I’m however still sitting with some points which opened up during my period of dis-ease.

One of these points is the point of self-trust. Bernard painfully pointed out while pushing a point on my shoulder that I am not trusting myself and seeing myself as weak. This point also got reflected in a sore point where my right occipital bone is, where the point of the ‘religion of self’ resides. And then my forearm running up to my wrist and thumb was painful/stiff as this point of fear and lack of self-trust was making me ‘inflexible’.

So basically while I was sick I understood the point that one has to face disease and sickness from a starting point of self-direction and self-movement, where you direct the disease as yourself out of your body. But while I was sick, the belief persisted that I am being a victim of the disease, and that I am a victim of the tick and the bite – and that all I can do is be an ‘observer’ within this event and just sit back tight in my body and ‘wait it out’ so to speak. I mean, I understood what had to be done – but I just didn’t see myself capable of ‘being here as my body and directing the disease as myself’ because of the intense trust/ faith/ belief I have placed on reality as “I know it”, which is a reality of separation – and so this trust / faith / belief in separation got reflected in my attitude within ‘being sick’ where I allowed myself to separate myself from my body, the disease and even the tick to the vastest extent. Within placing trust in separation, I placed myself as the victim and was in fear most of the time, because I wasn’t taking self-responsibility within the realisation that I am the creator of all of this: I am the creator of the tick, I am the creator of the virus, I am the creator of the experience of sickness. And because I took this point of responsibility/creation for granted, I believed I was ‘powerless’ and couldn’t do anything – but that was only because that was the position I placed myself in within trusting reality “as I know it” – which is a very limited reality.

I’ve been shown countless times during my process, the simplicity of what needs to be done and the simplicity of HOW it is done. It’s so simple it blows your mind away, because your mind just can’t fathom that it’s that simple, and comes up with all different kinds of excuses and justifications why it just can’t be that simple so that we won’t ever change.

For instance, one evening a few years back the power had tripped for the entire evening / night, and then we held a session where everyone was in the lounge sitting by the fire, and all sorts of beings would come through the portal to share their story. One of them was Piet Retief and he explained how even after he was dead he was still chasing Zulus for hundreds of years in the dimensions – where he had re-created the battlefield and just re-lived that one singular event over and over and over. Or Satan came through explaining how he used to be just a system and how scared he was when it was announced that all systems were going to be deleted in the dimensions and how delighted he was when he found out that he was still here after the deletion took place – lol.

That evening I had a realisation and Bernard went “You! What did you just realise?!” – and I said “Really anything is possible / Nothing’s impossible” – and then Bernard was like “Yep, that’s right”. And it’s true, listening to all the interviews and all the various ways we’ve fucked ourselves into eternity just demonstrates how we can really do and create ANYTHING WE WANT. Yet, when I am faced with a point like directing disease as myself I’m like “uuuugh noooo, can’t do it – me weeeeaaaak – disease is too stroooooong – this ‘anything’s possible’ doesn’t apply to me”. I mean WTF!

So today the simplicity of things was shown to me again. Some hours after Bernard initially pushed my points, he came to check up on me and my shoulder, and the pain was still there. So then he says “What do you know, you know you can trust. Because right now, you are trusting the world, you are trusting the system. So what do you do? You take that trust and place it as trust in a New World – and that’s all there is too it, it’s really simple. You take your trust and place it somewhere else. Where you now trust separation you move your trust to a World of Equality that’s Best for All, it’s simplicity isn’t it” and all that he says while waving his hand around and having this nonchalant look on his face like what he just said is the most common sensical, obvious thing in the world that even a kindergartener can grasp lol.

So now it is up to me to take this point of realization into practical application, and to actually trust myself that I am able to change, and that I am able to move beyond this limited version I’ve accepted myself to be as all that I can ever be.

Living on the farm, your view on ‘what is possible’ really gets challenged, and over and over again you are reminded that we can be so much more. Yet whenever I would hear stories / insights on how particular beings faced/transcended/changed through points, I would always just go “oh woaw, that’s so amazing!... but that’s not something I see myself doing” or “oh woaw, that’s so great… But I doubt I’ll ever be able to do that” – so it’s like, I am seeing in front of my face that we can be anything and anyone we want to be, but I’ll just sit back and go “Nah, not me – I can’t do that” and just go on living life as a little fear robot.

So now I am taking this tick bite fever event as an opportunity to look at the beliefs and fears which played out and move myself into self-trust and into my physical – and prove / show to myself that I can change – just as everyone else can.


To be continued…

Related articles

• Day 94: Did You Know?
• Day 103: Passion for Economics
• Day 123: TRUE ACTIVIST UNIVERSAL GRACE
• Day 97: The Holy Spirit is IN Me
• Day 116: Re-Defining Words to Living Words
• Day 101: Cosmic Being

Day 34: Fear of Speaking - The End

When and as I want to say something to someone and see myself going into fear within accessing memories of the past -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing and recycling memories from the past and thus not being here, where I am attempting to impose past experiences as memories unto the current moment and within that altering/modifying the present moment into something which it is not -- and so I commit myself to within those moments take a deep breath and simply speak, and to break the pattern of the past through me being here

When and as I see myself going into fear when wanting to say something which is against the grain of what another just said / did -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise how I have created this fear and realise that I do not have to be in fear, since I have seen and realised for myself how this construct works and how it does not serve -- thus I stop and I speak

When and as I see myself going into fear of becoming emotional -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within fearing becoming emotional, I am in fact stating that I am not the directive principle and that I am a victim of my emotions -- and so I stop this fear and trust myself as the directive principle and I commit myself to unconditionally be here and walk through the event

When and as I see myself going into the 'Fear of Speaking Character' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within participating in the 'Fear of Speaking Character' I am being untrue to myself and diminishing myself little by little -- revealing to myself how little self-worth and self-respect I have for myself -- and since this is something I do not want for myself, I stop and I speak

When and as I see myself being disappointed with myself for having accessed and played out the 'Fear of Speaking Character' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have built/created this character over time, memory by memory -- and thus it is going to take an equal process of deconstruction - removing the layers of information as memories and practically living the correction over and over again until I have re-aligned the Fear of Speaking Character as myself to what is Best for All Life

When and as I see myself going into the fear of 'what if the person is gonna come back at me' when wanting to speak -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that if I give in to this fear I am only ever going to remain a limited version of myself which will always give into fear and never give herself a break, and since this is something I do not want to live I commit myself to breathe through the fear and speak unconditionally no matter the reaction / outcome / response of the other person -- because no matter what they say, at least I know I have been true to myself within allowing myself to speak

When and as I see myself accessing ideas about how conversations are supposed to go and what I should be like -- I stop and I breathe, I see and realise that I am limiting myself within wanting to act according to how I think things *should be* -- where if I see myself being unable to attain this particular idea, I hold back -- within that I commit myself to let go of all preconceived ideas of how things should be and should go and commit myself to unconditionally walk through an event without fearing the outcome

When and as I see myself accessing the fear of being embarrassed -- I stop and I breath -- I see and realise that the fear of embarrassment merely indicates that I am facing a point which I have not yet embraced as myself, and so I commit myself to unconditionally walk through the point / event and within doing so embrace the point of embarrassment and see / realise that I am the creator of the embarrassment and there is nothing to be embarrassed about

When and as I see myself pointing fingers to another as if they are the reason / cause of my inner experience -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am deflecting taking self-responsibility and so I stop and direct myself as my inner experience and take responsibility for my own creation

I commit myself to purify my vocabulary to one that is Best for All and within purifying my vocabulary purifying myself to live words that are best for all

When and as I see myself reaching for the past as memories to tell me what to do -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that by relying on the past as memories to tell me what to do I am never going to get anywhere as I am only recycling the past into the present -- Instead I commit myself to breath and trust myself to direct myself within common sense practicality

When and as I see myself judging myself as a child for not being able to respond to a particular situation -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I had not been given / taught practical tools on how to deal with any and all situations where emotional possession is one of them -- and so there is no point in judging myself as within judging myself I am only further limiting myself and keeping myself from expanding and learning from my mistakes

When and as I see myself taking it personal when a person reacts emotionally to something I said or did -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the other person's reaction is created by them and has got nothing to do with me / who I am, and that I merely functioned as a trigger within that moment which brought up to the surface something which was already existent within them before I opened my mouth / did something

I commit myself to establish a Society which understands the role the Mind plays and how the Mind functions -- where the functioning of the Mind is part of basic education so that children may be taught how their own mind and that of others works so they can see for themselves what happens when someone gets emotionally possessed, can see how it happened and see that it is not their fault

I commit myself to expose how children currently are only taught garbage and no practical Life skills whatsoever which they can use and apply every day in their Life to assist and support themselves -- and where any point of emotional stability only gets addressed with medication to be suppressed and so the root / cause never gets investigated / discovered / discussed -- where we end up in a world where no human really knows how they function and find themselves as victims to their own mind unable to take self-responsibility

When and as I see myself holding back on saying something within accessing the fear of 'how is this going to influence their opinion of me?' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this attitude does not serve me or anyone else, as I've seen / realised / understood that not speaking for the sake of maintaining someone's opinion of me is a permission to abuse -- and since I do not want to stand for abuse I will not stand for not speaking for the sake of 'being liked' -- and so I commit myself to walk through the fear and simply speak as I know that if I don't I will regret it anyway and be disappointed with myself -- and within that create that exactly which I feared, which is someone not liking me -- and that person is ME

When and as I see myself wanting to let something potentially harmful go by unnoticed, because I fear that if I will speak that the person involved might not like me anymore -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this thinking pattern is completely unacceptable and that me allowing abuse for the sake of me maintaining my 'image' is completely ludicrous, as I am allowing something REAL to get damaged for the sake of up keeping an ILLUSION which only exists in my head

I commit myself to investigate and expose the consequences of the politics/popularity game – where people and beings get hurt as a result/consequence of someone’s popularity game within ‘wanting to be liked’ – where we will allow abuse for the sake of people liking us while this should be of no value whatsoever because what is the point of being liked by people who abuse / allow abuse anyway?

I commit myself to investigate the nature of ‘wanting to be liked’ within myself unconditionally as I see that this is not only self-destructive but destructive to the environment as a whole and within that I commit myself to restructure my values and priorities to always respect and maintain what is Best for All Life instead of only caring about what’s best for my own created personal illusion

Day 33: Fear of Speaking - Part 5

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within moments where I want to say something to another which is 'against the grain' of what the person just said / did -- go into fear of how what I want to say might influence the other person's view / opinion of me -- where I will accept and allow myself to not speak from the starting point of fear as 'what if the person is not going to like me anymore if I say this'


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a little politician character inside my head, where whenever I want to say something I will first stop and consider how what I am about say might influence the other person's view of me -- where I want the other person to like me and not affect their 'liking score' of me negatively, and so I will rather keep quiet and say nothing even when the other person is acting / speaking in a way which is abusive, just so I can comfort myself that they 'still like me'


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me deciding not to speak in a moment where I see clearly that another as me is not behaving in a way which is best for All and in fact being harmful, just because I want them to 'like' -- makes me as guilty of being harmful and abusive in the face of Life as within the moment of not speaking I am showing that I will not stand up for Life for the sake of 'being liked'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave myself according to 'wanting to be liked' instead of the principle of 'What is Best for All' -- where I will abusive behaviour go by 'unnoticed' because I fear the other person will not like me anymore if I say something about it, and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value maintaining the popularity of my character and my 'PR' more than Life -- which is the only thing worth valuing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is 'normal' to want other people to 'like you' -- where it is acceptable and totally justified to act in a particular way if it means that it will get people to like you, without ever questioning the implications and consequences of such a principle, where within the moment of 'wanting to be liked' and acting upon it, one is giving permission to the Abuse of Life because one will do anything to maintain one's "popularity" -- even if it means that others get hurt just so one can be assured that they are still liked


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise, that me giving permission to others to act in a way which is not best for all, from the starting point of not wanting to be disliked, where others may get hurt in the process for the sake of me feeling good about myself -- is also me giving permission for others to act in a way which may hurt me for the sake of someone else being able to maintain their 'likes'


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me not speaking within a moment where I see something is not 'right' as something which is not conductive to what is Best for All Life -- is me actually stabbing myself in the back as self-compromise -- because even though I may have achieved the other person to not 'like me less' -- I am now disliking myself for not speaking -- so what's the point?

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of 'wanting to be liked' unconditionally and what it implies, and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to thoroughly investigate the value systems which I have created and incorporated within myself -- and to deconstruct these and re-prioritize my values within valuing what is Best for All Life ALWAYS

Day 32: Fear of Speaking - Part 4

From previous blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between ‘not being able to respond to someone’ and ‘weakness/embarrassment’ within and through memory where as a small child someone got really angry at me for something I did/said where I went into a complete mode of petrification and did not know how to respond to what was being said and where I peed my pants because of the amount of fear I was experiencing and not knowing how to deal with the situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was 'weak' and 'embarrassing' for me as a child, to have not been able to respond when someone was angry and screaming at me, where the fear was so intense that I peed my pants and shut down inside myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see / realise / understand that me as a child not being able to respond, being petrified and peeing my pants has got nothing to do with being 'weak' or being 'an embarrassment' -- as I within that moment I had no clue / practical tools available for myself in terms of how to deal with the situation, as my parents and the education system never taught me how to deal with people who are emotionally possessed and how to deal with one's own inner reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me not having been able to respond, being petrified and peeing in my pants in the face of someone who was emotionally possessed was the result of a lack of education, which only reflected the lack of education within my environment -- where parents and school do not teach children how the mind functions, so one can within an event of emotional possession of another being, see / realise / understand what is going on within the context of the Mind and the Back Chat which caused the other person to go into an emotional possession, and to see / realise / understand that this is nothing to be feared, as the person is merely displaying their mental disorders and their behaviour is not to be taken personal

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me as a child not being able to respond, being petrified and peeing in my pants in the face of someone being emotionally possessed was not because of any 'weakness' on my part -- but merely an indication that we human beings take for granted our inner reality as emotions and feelings and do not care to integrate this as basic components within a child's education and as basic components within parents' parenting as we've accepted our emotions and feelings as part of 'human nature' and so as 'okay' and within that never cared to establish a platform of support in terms of dealing with a person who is emotionally possessed as it is seen as 'normal', and simply expect our kids to "deal with it" without seeing / realising / understanding that the children have never been given the tools to "deal with it" and so they don't actually "deal with it" but suppress it and through time develop the same mental instabilities as emotionally possession which they direct towards others and so continue the cycle of mental disorder

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child not being able to respond, being petrified and peeing my pants in the face of an emotionally possessed person -- have taken the event personal -- where I truly believed that I was the one who created the person's reaction towards me -- instead of seeing and realising that I merely acted as a 'trigger' within that moment which activated an emotional possession within the other which had already long been brewing before I opened my mouth / did anything -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a society and human race which does not encourage self responsibility within not questioning our behaviour and the behaviour of others such as that of emotional possession where we believe it is justified to act out and direct our possession towards another, because we truly believe that we are not responsible for how we experience ourselves within ourselves and that we are but 'victims' of our own nature and instill this dogma unto the children ensuring the continuation of this belief

Day 31: Fear of Speaking - Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying something which I perceive is 'against the grain' of what another is saying or doing -- within the fear that they will 'come back at me' and that I will not know how to respond -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the moment of not being able to respond -- that I will be seen as small, weak and an 'embarrassment' as I am unable to 'back up' my statement and within that be seen as 'invalid' -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of being reduced to 'nothing'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to respond to a person's reply -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I find myself unable to formulate or come up with a response that this means that what I had to say is invalid and that this somehow means that my entire beingness/existence is invalidated

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be seen as an embarrassment within the moment that I find myself unable to formulate a reply -- and within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am the one deciding to be an embarrassment for myself because I am the one who decided and put in place the conditions which make something/someone an 'embarrassment' in my eyes -- and so I've made myself an embarrassment to myself by my own accord

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that it has never been ‘about the other’ and ‘how the other might see me’ as I have only ever projected my own beliefs/ideas/fears/perceptions/opinions upon myself within any given circumstance and so it is all about me and how I have to deconstruct my own thought / belief patterns and purify my vocabulary to be able to free myself from my own prison as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined ‘not being able to respond’ / ‘substantiate your claim’ as ‘being weak’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a chain between ‘not being able to respond’ / ‘substantiating one’s claim’, the point of ‘weakness’ and ‘embarrassment’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust and rely on the past as memories to direct me and tell me what to do and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have submitted myself to believe that the past is bound to be repeated and that I am unable to change myself and my patterns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-create the same memories over and over again through relying on the past as memories for my direction instead of me being here as breath directing myself within every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a connection between ‘not being able to respond to someone’ and ‘weakness/embarrassment’ within and through memory where as a small child someone got really angry at me for something I did/said where I went into a complete mode of petrification and did not know how to respond to what was being said and where I peed my pants because of the amount of fear I was experiencing and not knowing how to deal with the situation

Will walk the specific memory which opened up within my next blog

Day 30: Fear of Speaking - Part 2

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to participate within conversation fully and unconditionally, but instead go into the 'Fear of Speaking Character' -- where when I want to say something which is not in line with what the other person just said, I access all my past memories of when I said something and the event did not play out the way I hoped -- where the person came back at me within an emotional charge, I took it personal and 'shut down' inside myself -- and so whenever I am faced with a situation where I want to say something which is 'against the grain' of what the other person just said -- I filter through all the memories which I use to manipulate myself into fear of speaking -- where I access the fear of 'oh no, what if that happens again' and within that decide not to speak out of fear of going through a similar experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access the 'Fear of Speaking Character' whenever I want to say something which is not in line with what another just said and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that me deciding not to speak in the moment because of the fear of some event happening -- is me diminishing myself and my self trust to direct myself appropriately in any given circumstance -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself to be able to direct myself 'appropriately' -- where this 'appropriately' is me being here in the moment as breath, hearing the words which are spoken and assessing them within practical common sense (instead of going into an emotional reaction of taking the words personal, having no clarity at all and shutting down inside myself) -- and formulating a reply within self-honest self-reflection within having evaluated the words which were spoken

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the other being becoming emotional/defensive -- because fear myself becoming emotional -- and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must play the 'energy game' where if one person goes into a particular energetic charge that this means that I also have to go into an energetic charge and accept ourselves as slaves to emotions/energy

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that one does not have to play the energy game -- as playing the energy game simply means that one is not yet accepting self responsibility within embracing self as the directive principle and so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take self responsibility for myself within being the directive principle in my life but instead chose to hide behind emotions and feelings so I apparently do not have to be accountable for my actions and decisions 'as I am but a mere victim of my fierce emotions'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I cannot continue participating within the 'Not Speaking Character' as each time I participate within this character I am being untrue to myself and diminishing myself little by little -- which only shows how little self worth and self respect I have for myself within placing illusionary fears over my own self-respect

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this energetic pattern I enter as the 'Fear of Speaking Character' is going to take time to remove -- as it took time to build where every moment I decided to not speak in my life out of fear became a building block of this character and thus I have to deconstruct the 'Fear of Speaking Character' block by block, layer by layer, memory by memory and correct myself through practical application and practicing speaking even when I fear it so I may integrate a new pattern within myself which is me being here as the physical and simply speaking when speaking here and not let the mind override that which is real

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to prove myself wrong within unconditionally speaking and unconditionally walking through the experience no matter what the outcome/result may be and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have gift myself the opportunity to change and expand myself beyond my self imposed limitations within giving my life away to characters which I've accumulated over my lifetime, allowing characters to dictate every moment of my life instead of me taking responsibility for myself and cleaning up the mess I've accepted and allowed myself to be and become