Day 48: Studying and Fear - Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when one of my friends/classmates regurgitated our textbook information of the exam we were about to do - have gone into fear when I realised that I cannot do this - I can't reproduce all the information perfectly/by heart - and within that lost all trust within myself within doing the exam - because I believed that I need to be able to repeat the textbook information perfectly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when one of my friends/classmates regurgitated our textbook information of the exam we were about to do - have observed the behaviour / reactions of my other classmates, where they were all panicking because they couldn't repeat the textbook information the same way she did - and where I looked at myself not panicking and then thinking I should panic because everyone else is panicking, I should also panic because just like them I don't know all this information by heart

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the fear of others within believing that if everyone responds to fear within a certain situation - that this situation requires to be responded to with fear - where it is 'normal' to go into fear - instead of assessing the information within common sense practicality for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real and that since everyone participates in fear, that it is something which is 'good' for us to participate in - without ever questioning the nature of fear as self-limitation where fear can never be good for oneself because even if one is in a danger situation, within accessing fear one's only placing more strain on oneself which leaves one less aware of the environment and more susceptible to the danger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if you are able to repeat information perfectly without looking at the information on paper - that this means that you 'know' the material and that you'll be able to pass the exam

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that if you are able to repeat information perfectly without looking at the information on paper - that this means that you are able to sequence words/information just like they are on the paper without looking - but this does not imply any form of understanding - where one could for instance have learnt all the information of a textbook by heart but then fail the exam because one is not able to place the information with the corresponding questions - because the actual nature/essence of the material has not been understood as what the text is about, where one only focused on the 'picture presentation' of the material as the sequence of words without having any form of comprehension

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally within that moment of seeing everyone panic in the face of the girl being able to repeat everything perfectly - where I knew that my study method worked because I had done it over and over again and always worked out - where I trusted myself in being able to answer the exam questions based on my understanding of the material / underlying dynamics/mechanics of what we had learnt and thus from within that point of comprehension be able to produce a perfectly adequate answer to any question pertaining the material

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that moment of seeing the girl being perfectly able to repeat the information and seeing everyone else panic - have lost complete trust in myself and my studying ability because I hadn't considered learning everything by heart because it just seemed like too much of a fuss - but now that I saw her doing it I felt like I had made the wrong decision and that my 'laziness' had gotten the best of me or something - within the belief that if you don't suffer during studying (which I felt 'learning by heart' was) - that something's wrong and that you're not doing it right / cheating the studying process and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that studying does not have to equal suffering

When and as I see myself reacting within fear to someone being able to regurgitate information from a textbook perfectly -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am entering a point of distrust within myself as self-doubt, even though my experience has shown that I can study and pass exams without memorizing information verbatim. Within that I commit myself to stop my fear and re-establish my self-trust

When and as I see myself observing others' behaviour in relation to an event -- and feeling compelled to adopt the same behaviour within the belief that 'if everyone's doing it, it must be the right/suitable thing to do within this particular situaiton' -- I stop and I Breathe -- I see and realise that the observation that 'if everyone is doing it, it must be right' - is not valid, as I have seen for myself that the world works in reverse -- and thus I commit myself to within moments where I want to 'follow the crowd' stop, check what is going on -- what behaviour I am trying to follow and flag it to work on within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself reacting within fear to a situation when I see everyone else also doing it -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that fear does not assist and support me so I stop myself and trust myself to not participate within fear, even when everyone else is doing this. I commit myself to look at the event and the fear it triggered and release myself from the connection/relationship of the event and the fear connected to it

I commit myself to show that fear is not normal nor 'supportive' in anyway whatsoever and is in fact a behavioural disorder we've all accepted and allowed within ourselves -- and just because everyone is doing it does not mean it's "okay"

When and as I see myself access the belief that 'if one is able to memorize information and spill it out perfectly one knows the material' in relation to studying -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that it is just that = a belief -- and does not have any practical relation to reality. I commit myself to show that our current educational system does not care about the effective integration of information within teaching as it teaches children to memorize information and are satisfied if they can regurgitate this without testing for actual understanding -- where all our current educational system cares about is performance goals, and where thus accordingly children will only care about 'goals' as 'grades' where they will do what it takes to get high grades without where students will memorise information and then spill it out during exams/tests and right after forget all about it -- revealing how ineffective our education system as become

I commit myself to trust myself within studying and to take the time to take in the information within understanding

When and as I see myself access the belief that 'if you're not suffering while studying, you're doing it wrong' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this is just an idea/belief I created and imposed on myself. And within that I commit myself to show that one does not have to 'suffer' while suffering and that it is possible to simply integrate the information within self-trust and access it when needed

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Day 47: Studying and Fear

When I used to study and prepare for exams I was usually quite chilled and relaxed. I would start studying the day or two days before on the 'bigger' subjects -- where I would read through the material and make sure I understood everything. This method worked very well for me and my grades were always good. I wouldn't be able to sum up all the information by heart, but in the moment of exam and going through each of the questions, I would be able to just by looking at the words and understanding the question -- give the according answers based on my understanding of the subject material.

My last period of exams I experienced as being a 'rough patch' and I experienced a lot of stress/anxiety in relation to the exams not being able to remember all the information. I thought this was really weird considering that throughout highschool I never had any problems like this in terms of really being 'freaked out'. I mean, I would have some anxiety/nervousness but I knew that I could trust that in the moment that I am faced with the exam, I can 'conjure up' the information by reading the question and I also made a habit out of not looking at the information just before the exam but just trust myself that I'd be able to access the information I needed during the exam.

Then I remembered this one memory of something that happened during one of my last exams in highschool. Me and my class were standing infront of the classroom where our exam was going to be, and this one girl which everyone considered to be quite intelligent was busy regurgitating information from the subject -- completely verbatim from our textbook. At first I was just impressed like 'Woaw, she actually learnt all of that by heart?". But then I saw my other classmates panicking because they weren't able to re-produce the information as perfect as she was doing it -- and within that moment I checked whether I could re-produce it like that... and I couldn't! Then I quickly 5 min before the exam (which was against my rules lol) I would try and memorise the information, try and hold on to it real bad and then the moment we got our exam papers quickly write it down before the information would disappear.

What I realised is that since that happened, I changed my studying method where I used to simply read and trust myself -- to reading from a starting point of fear as the fear of not being able to remember/re-produce the information. So as I am reading I am just going 'fear, fear, fear' -- and so not really taking in / allowing myself to understand the information because I am already fearing losing the information that I do not even get to taking it in, in the first place! Lol

Somewhere by the end of our last exam period I had gotten to a point where I simply 'gave up' on trying to memorize all the information, because it was simple 'too much' in terms of the amount of information that I would have to memorise and the amount of time I had available until the exam -- so I decided that it was just not worth it because I found it very strenuous and I wasn't going to be able to cover all the information. So then I simply read the information and was actually calm within 'having given up' and realising that there wasn't anything more that I could do -- and then this time I was actually able to process the information effectively and work with it well during the exam!

So now I have to 'walk back' in time and get back to how I used to trust myself within studying and get this fear out of the way.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow 

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Day 46: Running on Automated Pilot

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider my body within walking / moving / standing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move/walk/posture my body according to how I feel within my mind -- where how I move/walk/stand reflects my state of mind -- without ever stopping for a moment and asking whether how I move/stand/walk is in fact effective in terms of how the human physical body is designed to function

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I have only ever used my body to support my mind / how I experience myself as thoughts/feelings/emotions -- where I use my body to reflect/express my state of mind, where my state of mind is always within the framework of polarity as unbalance and where thus equal and one my body will reflect this unbalance within me moving/walking/standing in an unbalanced manner -- and within that compromising my body within not using it in a balanced, stable manner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my human physical body for granted -- where my attention only lies within my mind as 'what I want to do' and expect my body to just perform from 'point A to B' as 'what I want to do / where I want to be' and 'being there/doing it' -- without being here as my body from point A to B -- and within that move/walk/stand from an 'automated pilote/mind' perspective where I expect my mind to give my body directions as to how to do things -- without seeing and realising that the mind only values the mind and will only work with the body in terms of how it can support the mind, and so will not direct the body in a way that is best for the body, but compromise the body for the sake of supporting the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have abdicated my self-responsibility of handling my body in a way that is supportive within not being here within every moment of breath and expecting my mind to just 'take care of things' during my absence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my mind to 'handle things' -- while I have clearly seen and understood that the mind is not trustworthy and only cares for its own survival -- and so within not moving myself to be here within every moment of breath and handle my body responsibly -- I am deliberately being negligent and deliberately allowing my body to be compromised because I didn't feel like 'being here' and 'doing it myself'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deemed my hypermobility as an 'obstacle' / 'obstruction' that I have to overcome in order to be able to 'get to things' -- instead of seeing and realising that I can use this point of hypermobility to 'get to things' as a point of physical support to show me how I should and shouldn't move according to my physical design

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a Character to deal with my human body and how to move / stand / walk -- instead of being here as my human physical body/moving myself within self-direction / self-movement

When and as I see myself walking / moving / standing around within an automated pilot mode -- where I am not being the directive principle of every single movement -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am accepting and allowing myself to compromise my human physical body for the sake of the comfort of my mind and so I commit myself to breathe, be here, take charge of myself as my human physical body and move/handle myself in a way that is supportive within the consideration of how the human physical body as been designed

When and as I see myself allowing my mind to 'take charge' while I am absent and entertaining myself within my mind -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I cannot leave the responsiblity of handling my human physical body to my mind, as my mind is only interested in supporting itself and will abuse the body through handling it in ways that does not lie within its design/functionality -- which is a promise for physical deterioration -- and so I commit myself to be here within every moment of breath and take on the point of responsibility to move my human physical body as myself

When and as I see myself reacting to pains resulting from hypermobility -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that my body is merely being extra sensitive in terms of how I move/walk/stand -- and thus I can use this as an indicator to show me who I am within moving myself as my body and so I commit myself to utilise this point of hypermobility as a gift to assist and support myself to be aware of my movements as my human physical body and correct my body movements from mind to body movements within consideration of the physical and to no longer accept and allow my human physical body's movements and postures to be an extension/support of the mind -- but use my human physical body to move out of my accepted and allowed programming / characters and move into Life as the Physical within the principle of what is Best for All

Day 45: Who am I as my Body?

Today while I was cooking I noticed I had a pain in my hip. At first I went "Oh no, where does this come from now?" -- where I started going into my mind and 'look out there' for what this pain might mean-- and then I stopped myself and for a moment just assessed how I was "being here" in terms of how I was busy cooking -- and I noticed that I was actually standing in a very uncomfortable position, and suddenly it became very obvious why my hip was in pain -- I was creating it by not being aware of how I moving and how I was positioning myself while cooking. I had shifted all my wait unto one leg while letting my one hip 'stick out' to the side -- accumulating pressure on one leg. The moment I re-shifted and balanced my weight and just stood straight, the pain dissipated.

I have this thing where my joints are overflexible (hypermobility), and throughout my teenage years I've worked a lot on developing muscle around all my joints to support them in keeping in place. While I was sick I lost a lot of muscle tissue and now I've been noticing it more easily when I am not using my body in a way that is structurally supportive, as previously my muscles would just "buffer" for how I was carrying myself, but now that those muscles are gone I can see it more clearly when I am moving myself from the starting point of the mind. I'll go and access my 'automated pilot' where move myself according to memory as how I used to things before I was sick, but then I'll get a quick reminder through pain or exhaustion that this is not how it works anymore -- and so I am forced to re-assess my movements and really consider how I move myself in this physical reality and get out of my head.

I realised I have never really looked at how I move and if I'm even moving the way my human physical body was supposed to move. Sometimes Gian and I, when we're at the mall and taking a little break, we'll just sit and observe how people walk/move/carry themselves -- and it's interesting to see that you can pick up on their Character designs just by looking at how they walk, where you just see walking Characters and no-one walking in a way that actually assists and support themselves, but only to support the mind while diminishing the physical.

This point also opened up while I was listening to the whale interviews, where the whale explained how they can specifically see/read a body's history in for instance one injury/misalignment -- where they can see how the injury was created, how the mind compensated for the injury and all the ways it affected one's life.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to Follow

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Day 44: Taking Things Personal

 This is a continuation to Day 42: Why?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken it personal when I walked with the teacher to our classroom after I fell and the teacher simply kept silent throughout our walk – where I accepted and allowed myself have come to the conclusion that what happened was ‘normal’ and ‘nothing out of the ordinary’ – and where furthermore I concluded that what happened was ‘just’ in the sense that I had deserved what happened, within the belief that it was implied by her silence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have interpreted the teacher’s silence – within believing that it meant that ‘nothing was wrong’ and that ‘what happened, happened for a reason’ where I accepted and allowed myself to believe this reason to be ‘me’ and as such, there was ‘nothing to say about it’ – and within that I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that the silence did not imply anything per se – where the assumptions I made as apparent “implications” were of my own creation, reflecting my own attitude towards myself back to myself – and so within taking the behaviour of the teacher personal, I was in fact only accessing judgments/beliefs/ideas already existent within me and projecting them unto the teacher as if they were in fact emanating from her – while they were not, it was all coming from myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to within that moment of “pondering” what this silence “might mean” – to stop, and realise that I am creating something, making something more out of a situation that what it really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always try and figure out what “the meaning” of things is that happen to me and my reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that within trying to find out what ‘the meaning’ is of something, I am in fact separating myself from what happened / is going on – where I go into a mode of ‘speculating’ what it might mean and then decide to make whatever speculation ‘suits me best’ a reality for myself, within deciding that “this happened for that reason” – and so entertain myself within a separate, ‘customized’ version of reality – where events have particular meanings and implications and where I believe those meanings and implications to be true – without seeing and realising that I made them up in an attempt to never be here as this physical reality and deal with what actually goes on within this World and the atrocity that has become of Life on Earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that taking things personal is normal / the way of Life – where “taking things personal” is just human nature and so we shouldn’t really do anything about it because it is ‘who we are’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever question the nature and existence of “taking things personal” – as “taking things personal” is actually a form of mental disorder as one is creating and holding on to a distorted version of reality within oneself, which self holds to be ‘true’ and ‘evident’ – while it is actually all made up, and where we are okay with everyone doing this

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that “taking things personal” is not normal, and not acceptable behaviour – as one is within “taking things personal” removing themselves from reality, and within doing so, basing their actions and behaviour on a modified version of reality which is not coherent with how things work in fact – leading us humans to act in irrational, destructive ways and justifying it under ‘everyone takes things personal, it’s just who we are’ – without ever questioning the implications of such a statement of acceptance and the door to abuse it opens towards the real, actual, physical reality which is being completely disregarded within us only paying attention to our own ‘version’ of things as our judgments, opinions, beliefs, perspectives, points of view

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken the teacher’s silence personal after the event of me falling after I had been pushed by someone else, where I believed that the ‘push’ and the ‘fall’ were personal – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the boy pushing/shoving me out of the way ‘meant’ something, within the sense of it being ‘personal’ and ‘specifically’ pertaining to me – without seeing and realising that the actions of the boy weren’t personal – but in fact a statement of humanity as a whole – where within the action of the boy pushing me to the ground for the sake of being able to continue playing his game – causing real physical damage and pain -- is the result of education of parents and society as a whole as the result of our values and principles, where the boy within that one singular moment simply revealed that we human beings value our personal energetic mind reality more than the physical reality we all share – where the boy could have only performed this action if we all agreed that this is acceptable, otherwise he would not have been taught that such behaviour is ‘okay’ and ‘acceptable’ and so the action would have never occurred within his mind – but it DID – and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed the boy, and blamed him personally for my experience – instead of seeing and realising that he was merely demonstrating our values as humanity as a whole, and as such I cannot blame him, and I cannot take his actions personal either – as I am both creator and victim of my own creation as I am part of the whole who decides what is acceptable and what not – where my own actions which occurred after the event also clearly indicated that I value personal mind energetic reality more than the physical reality which we all share within assuming and taking things personal and victimizing myself – and so there is no point blaming the boy, as that would just be hypocrisy and an attempt to shift responsibility away from myself


When and as I see myself observing someone’s behaviour and ‘making something out of it’ within having thoughts about it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am assigning a value judgment to the situation and within that altering reality for myself within that moment – where consequently I lose grip with reality and am no longer able to make trustworthy decisions – as I have clearly revealed to myself within my writing that when I go and ‘interpret’ things – I end up diminishing and compromising myself within placing self-limiting beliefs unto myself – and so I commit myself to stop all thoughts when observing someone’s behaviour so I may remain here, as this physical reality and not get lost on some other imaginary plane of existence

When and as I see myself observing someone’s behaviour, and assign a particular value / meaning to it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this value / meaning is not coming from the other person but comes from me – where this value/meaning is not ‘given’ within the situation, but a decision I make to be what I want it to be – and so I stop and commit myself to look at what I have revealed to myself within interpreting someone’s behaviour, apply Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements as such events indicate to me that there are still Characters at play which I haven’t considered / addressed properly before

When and as I see myself ‘pondering’ within ‘trying to figure out the meaning behind something’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am participating within creating a mental disorder within creating alternate versions of reality – where I am distracting myself from what is actually going on within this physical reality, where I accepted and allowed myself to assign ‘value’ and ‘meaning’ to reality as if it really has that meaning in fact, while it just my own personal made-up meaning, where I end up creating meanings about everything within my world as ‘opinion’ – where each time I am looking at something in the world, I am not really looking at what it is, but only observing my interpretation of what it is as my opinion, and so I have locked myself away from reality where it is just out of reach – literally creating a bubble around myself where everything I see and experience is actually just myself as my mind as the opinions I’ve conjured up and imposed on reality – and within that deny myself access to what is real

I commit myself to show that ‘taking things personal’ is not normal and not okay – as it has disastrous effects within the acceptance and allowance of letting people act upon their own version of reality – where everyone has a different idea about reality which clashes with everyone’s else’s – resulting in an Earth that gets raped right in front of our eyes but we won’t do a thing about it as we’re all caught up in our little mind bubbles as what we think is real – which ends up in the destruction of what is real in fact

When and as I see myself taking someone’s actions personal and blaming them for my experience – I stop and I breathe – I allow myself to take a step back and look at the bigger picture – as within ‘taking things personal’ I am in fact placing myself in the centre of the Universe as if everything revolves around me – while everything that happens does not revolve around me personally but revolves around everything and everyone as the result of our collective acceptances and allowances – and so instead of blaming and taking someone’s actions personal, I take this point as an opportunity to investigate how I accepted and allowed such behaviour to manifest within this world which is an indication that this behaviour lies within me as well – and so I commit myself to forgive myself for the manifestation of such behaviour and so place myself within a position of self-responsibility within investigating how such behaviour came about within our world and deconstructing it within myself – so I can be a living example that we do not have to accept and allow this behaviour and set a new standard of what is acceptable and what is not within this world, so we can start creating a World that is Best for All

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Day 43: Can't Stand the Sight of Blood

This is a continuation to Day 42: Why?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of powerlessness and victimization that would wash over me when getting physically hurt, was simply a 'part of me' and 'who I am' -- without ever questioning this experience or its origin

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this experience wasn't just 'a part of me' or a part of 'who I am' as this experience wasn't always a part of me -- but only emerged at a certain point within my life -- and within that I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that this experience was created and emerged from and as a memory imprint -- where something happened to me within my childhood which I haven't dealt with -- whereby this experience now integrated within and as me, and kept on 'popping up' throughout my life with the right triggers, where each time when the experience emerged during an event and I did not question it / did not do anything about it -- it only integrated and penetrated deeper into my being to a point where I believed  this experience 'to be me' and forgot all about the initial memory from which the experience was created

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child when another kid shoved me to the ground and I hit the hard ground with my knees, have taken the picture presentation of the blood seeping into my pants and the wetness I felt as 'something bad' and 'something which shouldn't happen' -- where I didn't cry when the actual physical pain rushed through my body of hitting the ground, but cried in reaction to the picture I was seeing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'blood' within a negative energy connotation/charge within myself -- whereby each time I see the picture presentation of blood, I see it as bad -- without taking into consideration the context within which the blood is present

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined 'blood stains' within a negative energy charge/connotation within myself -- whereby each time I see a blood stain I go into a negative energy-based experience inside myself  -- connected to all the memories wherein I was brought into contact with 'bood stains' -- which was primarily movies and other types of media on tv -- where blood was always displayed within the context of violence or macabre atmosphere -- whereby I accepted and allowed myself to define blood within the limited context and association of 'violence' and 'death'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I as a child hit the ground and hurt my knee and saw blood seeping into my pants from my wound -- have gone into a panic mode within connecting the picture presentation of the blood and the stain to all the pictures I had seen on tv which were within the context of violence/death -- whereby I created the connection that 'violence had been done unto me' and that 'something was wrong' / 'I may die' within seeing blood run out of me body because of the limited context I had been educated on blood where I had only been familiarized with blood within the context of violence/macabre through television

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'laugh away' the notion that we can be brainwashed by tv, within 'not me, I don't get brainwashed by tv -- other people maybe sure, but not me' -- without seeing and realising that all I have ever known about myself as 'who I' apparently 'am' -- is the direct result/outcome of brainwashing through time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created an idea / belief about blood -- where blood can only ever be 'something bad' without ever questioning this belief and finding out what blood is 'within the bigger picture'

When and as I see myself experiencing a particular feeling/emotion/experience which I did not direct within that moment -- and believe this experience of energy as feelings/emotions to be real as 'who I am' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and  realise that this experience is not just 'who I am' but a programmed response pattern which will emerge when the right triggers are in place, and so I stop and bring myself here as the physical within breath and commit myself to investigate the origin of the emotion/feeling pattern I engaged in and unravel it / disengage it within Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself reacting to the picture presentation or the notion of 'blood' within a negative energy experience of 'this is bad' and/or 'something's wrong' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing what had been put into me within watching/viewing particular scenes on tv where the presence of 'blood' was always a 'bad omen' -- whereby I copied and integrated this connotation/association within and as me so that when was faced with 'blood' within my own reality -- that was the connotation/association I would access within myself and upload throughout my human physical body

I commit myself to the re-evaluation of how television currently is operated and what gets broadcasted -- so that we do not educate/brainwash our children unintentionally with images and ideas about concepts/manifestations such as blood within a context of fear -- and so I commit myself to the re-establishment of television as a source of education as common sense to assist and support all within developing practical common sense skills within oneself

When and as I see myself ridiculing the notion of me being 'brainwashed' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that we are all the result of brainwashing as education from parents, teachers, television and other media -- and within that I move myself to take self-responsibility to identify all the ways that I have been brainwashed into patterns which are not conductive to what is Best for All -- and commit myself to replace those patterns with ones which are in Support of All Life

When and as I see myself accessing the idea that 'blood is bad' / 'blood means something's wrong with me' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have created this idea as an additional layer/dimension which I imposed upon the concept/manifestation of blood through memories/brainwashing -- and so I remove myself from participating within this idea as I see and realise that this does not form part of the actually reality of blood -- and allow myself to take into consideration the 'bigger picture' -- whereby blood is simply a medium our bodies and other bodies have adopted as a means to transport nutrients/resources throughout our human physical body, whereby if we hurt our human physical bodies within force contact, or contact with sharp objects -- we may damage our transport system as the arteries and veins through which the blood is transported within our bodies, whereby a 'leak' forms, just  as when you damage a water-pipe, where for a moment some of these resources as blood may seep/leak out of the body until the hole/damage has been 'patched up'. And as such, within the context of movies, where people are violently killed and blood is sprayed all over the place -- it is simply the manifested consequence of the body having been damaged whereby openings/leaks have been created within one's inner resource transport system, whereby these resources as blood leak/spray all over the place -- and thus the primary point of blood is not 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'death' -- but in fact a medium of supporting Life within facilitating the distribution of resources within and as the body

  

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• Day 39: What if something's Wrong with Me?

Day 42: Why?

I've been looking at how I created a relationship of victimization within and towards my human physical body, where whenever something 'bad' would happen like a cut, a scrape, a fall, a bruise, an injury, disease, pain etc - I would be overwhelmed with a sense of powerlessness and helplessness and asking myself 'Why? Why is this happening to me?'. I'd instantaneously become very emotional and cry (although as I got older I'd start to suppress the crying more and more because I didn't want to be seen as 'weak'). Now it doesn't come up as prominent anymore until someone will for instance ask me 'Are you alright?' and then this whole wave of emotions would 'wash over me' and with it the tears would start welling up in my eyes and I go 'WTF, What is this experience? Why is this here?'. The experience is hard to describe because I never really looked at it before, as I just saw it as one of my weird annoying 'quirks' which would pop up from time to time but I never bothered to question it because I thought it was simply a 'part of who I am'. The experience is something like a lostness, confusing like just not knowing why all these bad things happen to me and my body and why these experience exist (pain, discomfort). Then later, when I looked at it again a memory popped up from when I was in my first year of 'kindergarten' (where I went to school you had three years of kindergarten, starting from 2-3 years old until you're 6 or something and then you start your first year in primary school) and both kindergarten and the primary school grades were situated in the same school. So on the playground you had kids from ages 2 to 12 roaming around. I was one of the youngest.

One day I was walking around on my own just exploring, not really 'doing' anything or having any 'game' or 'purpose' that I was walking around with, and then at some point I stood still and looked at one of the concrete tiles (the playground consisted mostly of a concrete tiled flat space (and the tiles were like very rough, grainy) with a small part with sand and some trees and jungle gyms), and then out of nowhere I saw this boy from the 6th grade (so one of the eldest) stand behind me and he was looking somewhere very focussed into the distance, and it looked like he wanted to get wherever it was where he was looking and I saw his body moving into action to 'get there' but then he noticed from the corner of his eye that this little toddler - me - was in the way of his body already moving into the opposite direction of the playground and then he quickly shoved me out of the way and sprinted to wherever he was going. When I look at it now it's clear that he was obviously playing a game with his friends that he got really involved in that when he saw I was in the way he just wanted to get this 'obstruction' out of the way so he can keep in the loop of the game with his friends.

For me in that moment I had NO idea what was going on and I was just completely in shock. As I write it out, it all sounds like it was moving quite slow but me seeing him to the point where I hit the ground all happened in less than a second. I landed on the concrete tiles with my knees (I mean, what a stupid idea to have a playground made out of concrete tiles? Kids fall on it all the time) and this intense pain shocked through my body. I moved myself over a bit, still on the ground and saw that my pants had a dark red stain by my one knee and it felt wet. I cried and I cried. The teacher who takes care of us 'little ones' found me and took me inside. I was in pain, crying, confused and I was looking for some answers. Why did this happen? Why did the boy push me? Why am I in this pain? Why is my leg bleeding so bad? Why would someone want to inflict this on me? I don't understand!! As the teacher was walking me while holding my hand I was full of anticipation to get those questions answered. I was very small though and had little vocabulary so I didn't really say anything while walking/crying as I assumed the teacher would talk to me soon enough. When we got to our 'classroom' (can't really call it a classroom, it's a room full of toys and drawing/crafting stuff lol) we rolled up my pants to see what 'the damage' was and my whole knee was open, my leg covered in blood from knee to ankle. She then just pointed at the little toilet room, told me to take off my pants, showed I should sit down and gave me some toilet paper telling me to 'clean myself up'. She then left.
And so I sat there on the toilet in the little toilet room all alone, in my undies, in pain, bleeding with all the questions and no-one was telling me what was going on. As I started cleaning up the blood from my leg I experienced a sense of aloness, weakness, powerlessness, helplessness -- a victim-like state. As I dabbed the toilet paper on my bloody leg I started to 'toughen up' inside as I thought there was nothing I could do and there was no-one here to help me, I wasn't getting any wiser so what's the point? After a bit the teacher came back, and put some red stuff on my wound that was prickly, she gave me a different set of pants. She put my bloody pants in a plastic bag and told me I should take it home with me after school. We then walked back to the playground where she gave me a little push of 'off you go' and there I was, back on the playground like nothing ever happened. I walked back to the spot where I fell and there were blood stains on it. I remember them being there for quite a few days after the incident.

I wasn't told why the boy pushed me and the boy was never approached about it -- so I assumed that he hadn't done anything 'unacceptable' and that it was implied that it was my own fault that I ended up the way I did, that there was nothing wrong with the boy pusing me and my body getting hurt, but that it was 'me' that was wrong in general.

So now whenever I experience pain, a cut, a fall, whatever -- this whole experience gets uploaded into every cell of my body. Depending on the severity/intensity/element of surprise of the incident -- the experience will be more or less intense but it'll always be there. And although my whole tick bite fever incident was quite different from what played out in the memory, the pain and discomfor triggered the same experience.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements to follow 

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