Day 185: When Food is no longer just Food – Part 2

When and as I see myself participating within thoughts deliberately aimed at undermining my body for the sake of achieving a particular picture presentation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these thoughts are not supportive and not sustainable and have to stop,, I also see and realise that I have integrated these thoughts pattern through repetitions through time and will take time and continuous dedication to stop and correct myself and so I commit myself to breathe, let go of the thought(s) and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself participate within disordered thought patterns which I know do not make sense and only serve to manipulate myself into actions of self-sabotage which I will then later regret – I stop and I breathe – I have seen the beginning and end of this pattern and takes me no-where and so I commit myself to and let go and save myself the unnecessary regret of not sticking with common sense

When and as I see myself participating within non-supportive thoughts to my physical well-being in relation to food and my body where I take/look at a piece of food and start going through all the information and knowledge I have about that particular food and will weigh out the ‘good’ against the ‘bad’ within the framework of ‘will this make me fat’ – and then base my decision to eat or not eat the food on that – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that the information I gathered while I was having an eating disorder was selective and in line with my obsession and thus this information is not reliable as I will only ever use it to justify disordered eating patterns and so I commit myself to let go of all the knowledge and information and to simply check within myself as my human physical body what it feels like eating and work with that

When and as I see myself looking at foods in terms of only the information and knowledge I have about them – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that this is a very limited way of interacting with food as all I know is a bunch of numbers like calories and have ideas of morality of what properties of the food are ‘good’ and ‘bad’ but do not actually in any way whatsoever know the food for real but only know of the idea that I have about the food which keeps me from actually dealing with the food and basically making completely random food choices which are not substantiated in fact as I have no idea how my human physical body actually operates and processes foods and so I commit myself to let go of all that I thought I knew about food while participating within an ED and to trust my body to tell me what foods are required to be eaten

When and as I see myself meticulously scanning my body and start noting down all the things that are apparently ‘wrong’ with it – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that these ideas/judgments/ideals were not always a part of me and do not have to be there – as these judgments in terms of what the body ‘looks like’ in no way serve in catering for my body’s well being and so I commit myself to stop and embrace myself as my human body unconditionally and be grateful for the unconditionality of my body being here and still being here after all I have put it through

When and as I see myself repeating thoughts I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am literally brainwashing myself as I have seen and realised how this would play out in the past and so I commit myself to stop right then and there as there is no point to allow such a point to accumulate to complete integration and automation but to rather nip it in the bud and prevent any unnecessary consequences from taking place

When and as I see myself doing / thinking / saying /writing something which I, inside myself know I shouldn’t be doing within experiencing it as essentially ‘stabbing myself in the back’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I can’t lie to myself and that if I continue lying and cheating on myself I will eventually get tired of myself so I commit myself to stop and correct myself right then and then and to not let this pattern play out any longer unnecessarily

When and as I see myself justify my actions over and over again and coming up with new ways of justifying what I am doing – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I only use justification to cover something up which I inherently know I should not be doing and so I commit myself to stop and flagpoint these justifications to remind me that I am not being honest with myself and require to review my self-application

When and as I see myself going into that same vibe/train of thoughts that marked my eating disorder phase – I stop and I breathe – I see and realise that I am entering dangerous territory and do not want to go there because if I go there I have to anyway get out of it again so I might as well stop right now and here and get over it as that is inevitable – and that is what I commit myself to

Related articles

• Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
• Day 165: Eating Disorders and Real Self-Perfection
• Day 183: Anorexia - Lifestyle or Disease?
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni
• Day 177: Ana - I Failed You
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 164: Eating Disorders as Perfection of Mind Dominance

Day 184: When Food is no longer just Food

This blog is a continuation to Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder – The Power of Thought - Part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately generate and participate within thoughts which are non-supportive to my physical well-being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have forced myself through my mind to turn on myself within composing, generating and participating in thoughts which I knew did not match reality – but did it anyway because I wanted to deliberately make myself disordered

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have practiced having non-supportive thoughts to my physical well-being in relation to food and my body, where I would deliberately over analyse foods from a knowledge perspective and create a relationship with everything single piece of food in my environment as to ‘twist’ its nature – where for instance a banana was no longer a banana but had x amount of calories and was not good for this and that and has so much sugar and it’s a BAD FOOD

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately manipulated and twisted my relationship with food by labelling foods from a starting point of ‘what will make me fat’ – without actually understanding how fat is produced in the body and how my human physical body really works in anyway whatsoever – but just go on ‘hearsay’ information about ‘bad’ and ‘good’ foods and create a whole food religion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself have deliberately manipulated and sabotaged my relationship with my human physical body – where I was previously quite fine with my body as it’s just kind of here and does what it does – to deliberately meticulously starting to observe, analyse and investigate my body and start labelling and marking all the things that are ‘wrong’ with my body – again based only on ‘hearsay’ information while having no clue what and how the body works and why particular points are manifested within a particular way within only caring about how my body ‘looks like’ and being completely oblivious/ignorant as to the actual workings and process of the body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately repeated the same thoughts and thought patterns over and over again until I actually believe them and automatically just ‘pop up’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ignored knowing that what I was doing was fucked up as it was clear that I was sabotaging my well being both mentally and physically for the sake of looking a particular way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within moments where I could see what I was doing have gone and delved deeper into thought manipulation as to ‘cover up’ what I saw and throw a bunch of garbage on top of it – where I threw so many thoughts of judgment and manipulation at myself so that I would “calm down” and continue with depriving myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately re-shape my perception of myself as to make it easier to abuse myself – to justify it and ‘make sense’ out of it so that I would not have to stop for a moment and question my behaviour

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have brainwashed myself into an Eating Disorder

Day 183: Anorexia – Lifestyle or Disease?

When I was browsing through the internet on Eating Disorder related websites, the topic of ‘Lifestyle or Disease’ would always pop up over and over again.

On the one side you have the people who believe they are suffering from a disease and require to be cured – and that this disease is involuntary.

On the other side you have people who believe that they are following a lifestyle which should be respected by others and that you have a choice to participate within Eating Disorders or not.

The first group is considered to be ‘authentic’ within having a mental disorder, while the second group is considered by the first group to be ‘wannabes’.

The thing is that they’re both right and they’re both wrong.

Is anorexia or any other Eating Disorder really a ‘disease’? And is it really ‘involuntary’ like ‘catching the flu’ and having ‘eating disorder genes’? It’s a nice side to take because if you’re ‘sick’ and you’re ‘suffering’ and you didn’t have ‘any choice’ within it – then you are left in a position of zero responsibility because ‘you had nothing to do with it’. I find that to be unacceptable with regards to Eating Disorders or even other mental disorders like ‘Depression’ which are portrayed to be ‘diseases’. These mental disorders don’t just manifest overnight. Things like anorexia, bulimia and depression are manifestations which develop through time. You have to actively think about your body in a particular way, you have to actively take comments personal, you have to actively compare yourself to others, you have to actively, obsessively go through fashion magazines while being hypnotised by the ‘thinness’ you perceive, you have to actively put yourself in front of a mirror and remind yourself why you are not good enough, you have to actively not eat and hide your eating patterns, you have to actively put your finger down your throat and puke. There’s no ‘disease’ making you do those things: it’s all you!

Now, people don’t want to hear this because they immediately take it personal and believe that there is something wrong with them and that it makes them ‘look bad’ – because obviously they and everyone knows that this type of behaviour is quite disturbing. So if the behaviour is ‘out of your control’ you can wash your hands clean and just kind of shrug your shoulders at it. The problem with saying that you have a ‘disease’ and that it’s ‘involuntary’ is that you are placing the Eating Disorder separate from yourself, where it’s some sort of ‘Alien invader’ where you have no say. How are you supposed to cure/recover from that? You can’t, because you only have the ability to bring about change within yourself, you only have the power to change you. So if you see your eating disorder behaviour as ‘not you’, then all you can do is stare at it and be completely powerless – you’re placing yourself in victimization mode. On the other hand, if you realise and acknowledge that you are the one acting out this Eating Disorder and bringing it ‘to life’ – where you are the one driving it = you have the power to change it, because you know it’s you. You might not like it because it means that all these disturbing behaviours are indeed coming from you and your decisions and choices to participate within non-supportive thought patterns and actions – but at least you are then placing yourself in a position of self-responsibility and can actually make a difference within your Life.

This does not mean that I agree that ‘anorexia is a lifestyle’ – because obviously, there is a missing link between ‘Starving Yourself’ on the one side, and ‘Life’ on the other side. It’s more of a ‘abusing myself style’ than anything else and should in no way whatsoever be ‘respected’ or ‘recognized’ as a ‘formal lifestyle’ as ‘one of the many ways one can choose to live their life’. Eating disorders are harmful and damaging and you’re basically squeezing the Life out of yourself for the sake of your appearance matching some picture presentation. There’s nothing ‘Life’ about that, you might as well be a plastic doll or an image in a magazine. Though what people from this side do get, is the point that you are the creator and maintainer of your Eating Disorder and so it will be easier for them to stop – but of course only if they want to. Obviously if you see starving yourself as a lifestyle then there’s some serious mental disorder existent within you and as such you might not want to give this up at all as a result of that.

So No, Anorexia is not a Disease and No Anorexia is not a Lifestyle.

It is what it is = it’s mental disorder. And not in the sense of a ‘disease ’ or ‘condition’ of which you are the victim. It’s a mental disorder because you’re actively disordering yourself, and a long with it your body as well (and your body is really the real victim here). Anorexia or any other eating disorder can only exist as long as you fuel/participate within it. You have to in every moment decide whether you are going to act upon the thought that ‘you’re so fat and shouldn’t eat’.

Sure, there may have been events and circumstances which would make someone participate within an Eating Disorder more likely – but in the end it’s still up to self whether you make that decision to harm yourself this way or not.

The whole Pro-Anna (or ‘wannabes’) movement is merely an extreme form of what Eating Disorders actually stand for. They’re direct and straightforward about what they’re doing and how they’re doing it – and are only able to do this due to the vast level of acceptance and value that has been placed on one’s appearance over one’s physical well-being. I mean, is it a coincidence that with the advent of mass-media where we are bombarded with images from billboards, magazines, tv, internet over the last decade – that there has been an 80% rise in Anorexia cases? And where children are being diagnosed with eating disorders from an earlier and earlier age? I mean, there’s FIVE YEAR OLDS that have eating disorders! This is not normal, this is the direct result of our society’s values falling further and further away from valuing life and actual well-being over appearances and fake happiness. Our world is becoming more and more superficial and our bodies are the one’s suffering just like the Earth is suffering more and more under our unhealthy ideologies which do not promote actual well-being.

Check out the Desteni I Process Lite – a free course – to assist and support yourself in getting to know yourself and your mental disorders and assist yourself to a sound mind.

Check out the Equal Money Website as an alternative economic system that actually values Life and actual well-being over unsustainable economic growth.

Related articles

• Day 169: Turning my Back on Anorexia, Anorexia turning its Back on Me
• Day 172: My Dirty Little Secret
• Day 166: From Anorexia to Bulimia
• Day 171: Hiding behind Anorexia
• Day 170: Starving and Binging - Two Sides of the Same Coin
• The Internal War Of Anorexia - Day 296
• Day 274: Eating Disorders and Desteni
• Day 162: Eating Disorders and Unforetold Consequences
• Day 157: Generating an Eating Disorder - Part 1

Day 182: A New Angle on Anger: Re-Defining Anger

I’ve written on Anger in the following posts:

Day 16: Anger and Me - Introduction
Day 17: Betrayal – Anger and Me – Part 2
Day 18: Angry at the World – Anger and Me – Part 3
Day 19 – Power-less – Anger and Me – Part 4
Day 20: Angry People – Anger and Me – Part 5

Old Definition:

I’ve lived anger / being angry in my life as merely an experience of displeasure within a framework of ‘justice’ – where I perceived some wrongdoing to have been done and get angry.

Dictionary Definition:

 an·ger                  [ang-ger]            
noun

1.            a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.

2.            Chiefly British Dialect . pain or smart, as of a sore.

3.            Obsolete . grief; trouble.

verb (used with object)

4.            to arouse anger or wrath in.

5.            Chiefly British Dialect . to cause to smart; inflame.

Playing with the Sound of the word:

Anger
Angle
Anchor
Angry
Angree
And Grieve
End Grief
And Give

Re-Defining Anger:

Looking at the construct of Anger I see there can be two Angles to see/live the word by, where in the one Angle of Anger one is Anchored by a point of Grievance where there is no space for mobility, no flexibility – just being stuck within a point of Grievance. Herein is also a form of Passivity because one is just Angry but there is no movement done to do anything about the Grievance. This is then an expression of Blame and Disempowering – where the more you participate within this form of Anger the deeper the Hooks of the Anchor dig themselves in keeping one stuck -- this is where Anger becomes dAnger when one is not a chAnger.

The second Angle of Anger I was looking at was from a starting point of Support –where Anger can be a point that Anchors you, keeps you from ‘floating away’ and Grounds one within Reminding what needs to Give in order to End All Grief. This is then an Active form of Anger and Self-Empowering as one places self as a chAnger. 

Related articles

• Day 163: Birthing ourselves as life, as a partnership Part 21 - Suppression.
• Day 140: Opting for Avoidance over Change
• Day 145: From Reaction to Self-Reflection
• Day 178: Fail-You-Are - Redefining Failure
• Day 263 - Me Myself and Parrots.
• Day 150: How Dare you make me Feel Bad?

Day 181: Crucified between Past and Future: Re-Defining Anxiety

I’m going through the blogs I’ve written so far within my Journey to Life and identifying words to re-define as part of this process.

A bunch of my first blogs were in relation to fear and anxiety:

Day 11: Anxiety and Me - Part 1
Day 12: Anxiety and Me - Part 2
Day 13 - Fear of Failure - Anxiety and Me - Part 3
Day 14 - Trusting Fear - Anxiety and Me - Part 4
Day 15: Self as Creator - Fear and Me - Part 5

In this blog I want to take on the word ‘Anxiety’ as this has been a word that I’ve experienced many times in my life – if not continuously in the past.

So : Anxiety

Dictionary definition:

noun, plural anx·i·e·ties.

1.

distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune: He felt anxiety about the possible loss of his job.

2.

earnest but tense desire; eagerness: He had a keen anxiety to succeed in his work.

3.

Psychiatry. a state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder

In my life I’ve mostly experience anxiety as a fear paired with much pain and tension in my solar plexus – where in the end the very flesh of my tummy actually hurts from all the built up fear. The fear was always related to something in the future where I fear being in a particular situation and imagining worst case scenarios – I never really investigated it. – it was just there and it was annoying – so within that ‘not knowing what to do with this experience’ there was definitely a negative charged attached to this word.


Sounding of the word:
Anxiety
Eng (Dutch for ‘scarcy’) Sight I see (Scary Sight I see)


The ‘An’ / ‘Ang’ part of the word Anxiety reminds me of Angling – and the ‘X’ I see as a cross / crossing/cross point between past and future – where in the moment of anXiety you are angling with a hook, where you first throw your line backwards, hooking into the past and then throw it forward: into the future. Within that you’re never here, but always moving from past to future where X is that crossing point which is also in the middle of the word ‘anXiety’. This ‘back and forth’ sort of movement is also a point of conflict/friction where you’re buzzing while being pulled both into the past and future – which can be seen as being ‘crucified’ between the past and the future.

In terms of the fear component in Anxiety, fear I’ve found has often to do with merely a point of not understanding – where often I find myself fearing something but when it is then explained to me specifically and I understand it (like say an experience), then the fear goes away.

So here I would look at Anxiety as throwing fears from the past where I was not understanding / realising how to cope with something and projecting/throwing these into the future as expectations where I fear/dread being in such situations again

So a new definition for anxiety could be where one is participating within a concern based on the past - where a point was not clearly understood / missed in terms of effectively working with/through which generated a sense of confusion turned into fear - and whereby one is fishing these past concerns up and throwing them into the future - and where one within this experience of conflict is unable to clearly evaluate and assess the situation and give self direction – and thus one would be required to identify/investigate the point which requires clarification in terms of not understanding so self can upgrade one’s understanding and stand effectively within the point which generated anxiety

So now it’s not a matter anymore of ‘shit I am experiencing anxiety – I want to avoid what I fear’ – but to instead see the experience of anxiety as merely a line of information coming up in a particular moment which requires to be read (as the new definition) and to correct/re-align oneself according to this information which presented itself within that moment as a tool/guideline towards Self-Perfection.

Related articles

• Day 181 - Self Doubt Part 6.
• Day 159 - How will the world ever change if I don't become and live as the change I speak of?
• Day 181: Human Nature and the True Dare-Devil
• Day 152: Things are Not Always what they Seem
• Day 126 - Behind the Scenes of "Physics and the Desteni Process" series - A Battle of the Mind- Self Forgiveness
• Day 181: Applied Equality in Equal Money Capitalism